Aside from reading Charlayne Hunter-Gault’s memoir, I also carved some time out of my vacation to finally read Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. While I devoured the hit show when it was on HBO, and I now savor the reruns, I had never read the actual book that inspired the groundbreaking show before a few weeks ago.

In the Introduction, Bushnell said the book’s central theme is the answer to this question – Why Are We Still Single?  This is her answer – “Now, with a few years’ perspective on this issue, I can safely conclude that we are single because we want to be.”

Wow! Since reading that statement, I have been digesting what that means to me and my other still single girlfriends. Just before I read the book, maybe a few days before even, the church pianist came up to me after church one Sunday and said something like, “When are you getting married? I’m trying to hold on so I can play at your wedding.” A guy who was nearby said, “I’ve asked her out, but she won’t go out with me.” The church pianist then said, “Oh, she’d be married by now if she wanted to be.” And my dear old Dad has pointed out to me recently that I have made ambivalent statements about being shackled..er…hitched.

So what am I saying? Gather any group of 30ish women for more than 20 minutes and the conversation will eventually shift toward a discussion about relationships. My girlfriends and I are no different. Since we crossed the 30-year-old threshold, we have discussed relationships with a urgency that wasn’t present a decade earlier. It’s not that we define ourselves singularly by our romantic relationships, but having a rich and rewarding partnership with a significant other is important. A 40ish, single friend of mine said a lot of it is biological; she has assured me that if I reach my 40s without being married, that desire will not be as strong. To that I say maybe so, but I’m not there yet.

But even as we desire to floss that rock, bag a husband and retire to the burbs, I wonder if some of us are really ambivalent about the whole thing. To that end, I have compiled a list of 10 actions that may prove that you are secretly ambivalent about the husband hunt.  As they say, “actions do speak louder than words.” These are in no particular order. Also, I will not disclose the actions I have taken…hey you gotta keep something to yourself.

1. You live in the A. Some of my friends are seriously considering moving to another city because they believe that the wealth of women in the city prevent the menfolk from having class in dating in general or from having to make any real commitments. Asking a girl over to your home for a 1 a.m. drink is not anyone’s idea of a romantic first date. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there…

2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. If you met a dude in the club, it’s possible that you can get him to go to church with you. (Hey, I’ve been known to stumble in at daylight Sunday morning, nod off for a hours, and head back out to the mid-morning church service.) But if you make this a habit, this action says more about you than it does about the guy. Marinate on this for a minute…

3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. Hmm, I’ve come to believe that if someone tells who he is, you’d be smart to believe him.

4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. What’s up with that? Is it because there are no good guys around or are you somehow unavailable at a deeper level?

5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. The “thrill of the chase” really sucks…

6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to. “Something New” is a good movie about throwing your so-called requirements out the window and actually accepting what you need rather than what you think you want in a man.

7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Get a grip. Sometimes, YOU are the problem.

8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. I mean, chill.

9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. In my humble opinion, if you manage to be loving to all people whether it be the guy that keeps offering to wash your windshield at a downtown intersection to your backbiting co-worker, then I believe that you will attract love – romantic and otherwise.

10. You forget to pray. If you’re a Christian, this means that you have to have a dialogue with God about what His will is for your life. It may or may not include a husband. Them’s the breaks.

Hey, I’m no counselor or therapist, but I think I could be right here. What do you think?

Any thoughts?

P.S.  This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. You rationalize that he will eventually get a house, a car and a clue…Hey at 25, this is fun…at 35, not so much…:)

P.P.S. Guys please comment!!!

The post We Are Single Because We Want To Be… appeared first on After the Altar Call.

Hello World!!!

After reading a newspaper story yesterday about the sentencing of former Georgia state Rep. Ron Sailor Jr., who was also a pastor, I started thinking about a topic that has often haunted me. Does God punish us when we do wrong, or do we just experience the natural consequences of our actions?

The 33-year-old Sailor was convicted of money laundering and defrauding the church where he once led. He will spend five years and three months in jail for his actions…Um, um, um, I wonder what’s going through his mind this morning. I remember hearing about Sailor when I was in high school. He went to a nearby high school and was talked about as a young man “destined for success.” It probably helped that his father was a prominent TV and radio personality at the time. Ironically, his father is also a pastor as well.

The fact that he was a pastor and his father is a pastor leads me to believe that he was probably raised in the teachings of the Lord.  At some point, however, he obviously decided to put what he learned aside and commit crimes. In this case, Sailor accepted money from who he thought was a drug dealer and promised to launder it. The drug dealer turned out to be an undercover agent. The agent struck a deal with Sailor and asked him to help in a corruption investigation involving other public officials. This deal was supposed to help in reducing Sailor’s prison time at sentencing. However, soon after the deal was made, authorities discovered that Sailor went on to initiate a fraudulent loan and used his church as collateral.  Apparently, he had large personal debts to pay off.

Is this sentencing indicative of God’s punishment as he is a man of God or did he just get what was coming to him. In talking about this subject with my father, he told me to look up two passages in the Bible – Psalm 103: 8-13 and Hebrews 12: 5-6. In the first passage, “the Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” In the second passage, we are told not to “make light of the Lord’s discipline…the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.”

I have many friends who are on this spiritual path with me, and we often discuss our conception of God. Several of my friends don’t think that God is a punishing God; however, they do feel we reap what we sow. I remember a few years back, I was in the midst of applying for a job that I thought I really wanted at the time. I had already made it successfully through two interviews and was waiting to hear if I had gotten the job. While I was waiting to hear the news, I sinned. (I won’t tell you how. I’m into self-disclosure but this is the Internet.) I asked my father if God was going to punish me for my sin by not rewarding me with the job. He told me that God was not capricious and wasn’t going to zap me just because I did something wrong. Well, I didn’t get job, ha,ha. However, in looking back, the job wouldn’t have been the best (as in good, better, best)fit for me anyway, and God had a better job coming my way.

Anywho, I would like to know what you think about God’s punishment. When we do something wrong or outside of God’s will, should we expect to be punished or is what happens to us just a result of our actions? I am so quick to talk about the rewards of God – His Favor, His Protection, His Wisdom. But everyone knows there is a yin and a yang…

Any thoughts?

The post Crime and God’s Punishment… appeared first on After the Altar Call.