Category Archives: beauty/body image

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Of Drugs and Light-Skinned Boys…

Hello World,

Picture it…The year was circa 1983 (Shout out to Sophia Petrillo of “The Golden Girls!” You know you watched it!) I was in the fourth grade and a proud member of The MJ Club. Of course, I am referring to Michael Jackson. I had the poster with MJ wearing the yellow sweater with the oh-so-sexy single Jheri curl cascading down his forehead…It was taped to the back of my bedroom door. MJ, wearing a white suit and black shirt, was lying on his side looking all innocent and fresh faced  on another poster on one of my walls…you know the “Thriller” album cover. I wanted to hang the infamous Prince poster on another wall…you know the one with him in some black underwear…I think he was in the shower. Sexy, sexy! I would have settled with the poster with Prince on his motorcycle…you know the “Purple Rain” poster. But my parents were still plugged into popular music back then and weren’t having Prince on my wall. I sported a plastic bag with Michael Jackson’s name inscribed on it. My shirts were covered with Michael Jackson buttons. That Christmas I unsuccessfully begged my parents for an MJ leather jacket with the zippers all over it.  I was definitely one of his top fans under 13 years old.

But somehow during that year, a light-skinned guy with a ridiculously high-pitched voice managed to test my allegiance to MJ. That guy was none other than El “I Like It” DeBarge. In my mind, I was like Michael is cute and all with his Jheri curl and butter voice, but El had that naturally good hair plus he was light-skindeded too…Ha,ha…And his whole family was soo pretty…Around that time, the movie, “The Last Dragon,” came out and quickly became of one my favorite movies at the time. DeBarge’s song, “Rhythm of the Night” was on the soundtrack for that movie and so I became a huge fan of DeBarge.

DeBarge had so many hits…”All This Love,” “Time Will Reveal,” “Love Me in a Special Way,” “Who’s Holding Donna Now,” “You Wear It Well”  They were almost a modern day “The Jackson 5” only there were four brothers and their sister, Bunny…And dudes loved them some Bunny too…And almost as quickly as they appeared on the scene, they exited stage left into near obscurity. I heard rumors that many of the brothers were on drugs, somebody had gone to jail, etc. But I never knew what conclusively happened to them until I watched TV One show “Unsung.”  DeBarge was featured on its first episode. First of all, I had no idea that their father was white and their mother was dark skinned. The children suffered relentless abuse from their father and their mother was unable to protect them from the abuse.  The two elder DeBarge brothers were a part of the group Switch and were responsible for the hit, “There’ll Never Be.” (Love that song!) Drug abuse and infighting ultimately led to the demise of Switch and DeBarge. But one quote from Bunny haunted me after the show ended. She said she hoped the next generation of the DeBarge family would escape the generational curse of drug abuse in their family.

And so this is a looong intro to the topic of generational curses. My favorite author Catherine Marshall has a chapter on the topic in her book, “Something More.” In the chapter, she quotes Deuteronomy 30:19, “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants.” Marshall also said, “It soon became apparent that just as we can inherit either a fortune or debts, so in the spiritual realm we can inherit either spiritual blessings or those liabilities (unabashedly called ‘sins’ in Scripture) that hinder our development into mature persons. These blessings or liabilities do not come to us solely by heredity. Obviously, they are passed on by example and by teaching – conscious and unconscious.”

For instance, my grandfather was a pastor. My father is a pastor. I have uncles who are pastors. I aspire to be a Christian author. Faith is definitely something that was passed down in my family. According to my dad, so is obsessive thinking…Goodness gracious, sometimes I am terrorized by how fast my mind spins with obsessive, anxious sometimes crazy thoughts. I revealed this unsettling behavior to my dad once and he told me it happens to him too…I wonder who passed it down to him…

If you think of behaviors – good and bad – that were passed down in your family from generation to generation, it seems almost impossible to escape them. However, Marshall describes her method for breaking these generational behaviors. Of course, it starts with praying and meditating on God’s Word. Marshall said, “‘The generations can start to assume their creative function at any point. Even if most of one’s life is in the past and certain children and grandchildren are acute problem cases, yes, even then God can turn this curse that goes down through the generations into a blessing…For each of us-no matter what our situation or how we feel we have failed -there is hope.”

So what do you think about generational blessings and curses? Do they exist? What has been your experience with them? chris brown

Any thoughts?

P.S. These pics are of a few of my fave light-skinned singers…I struggled whether to include Chris Brown’s photo…but when I thought about it, what is happening with him and Rihanna may be a perfect example of generational dysfunction. From what I’ve read, Brown watched his stepfather abuse his mother and now it seems Brown has become the abuser…let’s pray that Chris Brown deal with his problem and be the person that God created him to be…

Below is a DeBarge video…

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I’m such a hater aka I sometimes break The Ten Commandments…

Hello World!!!

It has been said that confession is good for the soul. And so in deference to that adage, I confess that I frequently covet…

My earliest remembrance of this destructive behavior in my life goes back to when I was about six years old. A single mother who worked nights lived next door to my family and me.  In neighborly kindness, I guess, the single mother’s daughter, who shall go nameless, was allowed to stay over at our apartment each night. In the morning, her mother would come and get her. The girl was about a year younger than me and so we became fast friends.

But I quickly  noticed that this girl had things that I didn’t have. She wore name name brand clothing for instance and had jewelry even. In my six-year-old mind, I deduced that the reason my parents didn’t lavish name brand clothing and jewelry on me was that there was three of us and they couldn’t afford to spend their money on such frivolties. And I also deduced that my friend’s mama only had to cover two people, and that’ s why her mama could spend that way. But I was still jealous…I would try to comfort myself by saying to myself, I bet she wishes she had a daddy and brothers like I do…And that sentiment would work for a while, but then I would find myself thinking of what she had and what I didn’t have again. It got so bad that sometimes I would be up at night worrying about it all…Can you believe it? I was just six years old! That is sooo terrible…My friend slept in my room with me and that made it worse. Sometimes I would get up in the middle of the night and quietly open the door so the hallway light shone in the room and I would peer at a ring on her finger. I don’t even remember what it looked like exactly, but I do remember it was sparkly and reminded me of one of my favorite fairytales – Cinderella.

Fast forward nearly 30 years and I still find myself dealing with this insidious habit. I remember when I was in 20s and I was making $10 a paycheck at my first journalism job. All of my friends were going on trips, getting fabulous apartments and starting investment clubs…With my meager earnings, I had to live at home, and the only trip I could afford was the trip to work and back. As far as investments were concerned, I tried to comfort myself with the knowledge that I was investing in my future by taking a job in my field and getting experience. But I was still seething on the inside…and sometimes the vitriol spilled out…My father gave me countless pep talks during this time…He assured me that “my time” was coming…And he reminded that I chose a field that often doesn’t yield large earnings- at least at the beginning of your career, and I had to accept that or go into a different field. And he also told me that God had a purpose for my life and as long as I was in His will, I was where I needed to be.

Lately I have found myself hating on other people’s blogs or their careers. Here is what I think sometimes – Why her blog got all those comments? I’m a good writer too. Or why did she get a book deal when her topic is hackneyed at best?  I could write that story with one hand tied behind my back…Yes, it’s gets really ugly in my mind sometimes…A friend wisely told me maybe one of the reasons why my blog doesn’t get as many comments as others is because I am talking about religious topics and religion will never be as popular. That may be true, but one of my favorite blogs, a religious blog, gets scads of comments…how come my blog doesn’t? I swear I’m still six years old….

So by this time, I should be wrapping up now and telling you how I’ve overcome my haterism…I haven’t…but sometimes, I have moments of clarity after I have bitched and moaned about it to anyone that will listen…One particularly spiritual friend frequently states that I shouldn’t compare my insides to someone else’s outsides. What that means is that what someone has doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness. Over the years I have learned that is true. Sometimes I’ve been told to pray for the person that I resent. I’ve found that if I pray for the person to get everything I want in my life, I often find that I don’t feel as bad…And I recently discovered that some people want what I have. That makes me feel really good…I swear, I’m terrible, huh? And sometimes hate can be a good thing actually. Sometimes, it has propelled me to do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do…For instance, I can be smart about my money too…And sometimes the answer is to stop thinking about myself and think of how I can help others…Self obsession is a trap for sure…prayer is a good tool too…

Anyway, I don’t have all of the answers for sure, but I am REALLY interested in what you have to say. PLEASE post comments…or else…or else…I will talk about you to my friends, ha, ha (Y’all pray for me.)

Any thoughts?

P.S. Check out Canton Jones’ “Hater Day.”

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America the Beautiful…

Hello World!!!

Do you think I’m beautiful? Am I sexy? Do you want me? Do you think I’m fat? I guarantee if you’re a female in the United States of America, at least one of these questions has run through your mind…but I don’t like speaking for other people so let me turn the focus back to me…

A few weeks ago, a friend and I watched the documentary, “America the Beautiful”on Spelman’s College campus. Doumentary director Darryl Roberts examined America’s unhealthy obsession with beauty from a variety of angles. The documentary starts with an interview of two pre-teens, one, an average looking black girl, and another black girl, Gerren Taylor, who becomes the focus of the movie. Roberts correctly notes that both girls have the same pre-pubescent look…you remember- long in the neck, scrawny in the arms, etc. but for whatever reason the first girl is considered not-so-attractive and Gerren is beautiful.

One day someone arbitrarily tells Gerren she should be a model. Gerren’s mother, who once dabbled in modeling, takes this stranger’s word and seeks the help of a local modeling agency to make her daughter America’s next top model. Gerren, who was once teased for looking like a giraffe, almost instantaneously (at least it seems that way) becomes a star and finds herself rocking the New York catwalk for some of the country’s hottest designers including Marc Jacobs, DKNY and Tommy Hilfiger.  And she’s only 12 years old! As her middle school principal notes, something is clearly wrong when the body type of a 12 year old is the standard!!! What fully grown woman can achieve the body of a 12 year old? And why the heck would any woman to?

I blogged about my own body images issues in other posts. Unfortunately, my issues began at a very early age, but I remember really beginning to devote some serious mind space to such issues when I was about 12 years old…appropriately, about the time that we enter puberty…Since my parents emphasized education in our household, thankfully I gained some self esteem from my grades, writing and other areas of intellectual pursuit – but alas I became a victim of the images that bombarded me as soon as I left the safe cocoon of my childhood home. I began reading Seventeen magazine when I was about 13 years old. Only a cursory look through its pages and you can deduce a few things: “white is right,” “if you black, you need to stay back” and “thin is in!”

Roberts interviews a few magazine editors during the documentary and the answers they give about why unrealistic images of girls and women are featured in their pages is utterly shocking. Basically, they realize they are contributing to unhealthy body image issues, but they gotta make a living… Perfection, as they see it, sells and reality is clearly not profitable…One of my favorite parts of the movie is when Dove shows how an average woman can look like a superstar model through hair, makeup and photo shop trickery. Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty Rocks!!!

Women have been grappling with beauty/body image issues since Biblical times.  Here is an excerpt from Song of Solomon.

I am black but beautiful, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Cedar, as the curtains of Solomon. Do not consider me that I am brown, because the sun hath altered my colour: the sons of my mother have fought against me, they have made me the keeper in the vineyards: my vineyard I have not kept.

Song of Solomon 1:4-5

The woman in this book makes a point of noting that while she is dark, she is still beautiful. It makes me sad to think that blackness is not automatically associated with beauty…Roberts also gets into the whole dark skinned/light skinned issue that that black people are still grappling with even in 2009.scholarship

By the end of the documentary, Gerren nearly has a breakdown after she is cast out of the modeling world because she is too fat…At 15, she was a size 4…

So I have a few questions for you that I would like for you to consider and answer:

1. How has America’s unhealthy obsession with beauty/body image affected you or someone you love or don’t love?

2. Are you currently on a diet now? If so, why? Is it because you could stand to lose a few pounds or is it because you want to achieve a weight that is seen as more desirable, regardless of your body type?

3. What can we do to encourage young black women to see their beauty in spite of images to support the contrary?

4. How is the light skinned/dark skinned issue rearing its ugly head in 2009?

5. Are men now getting messages that they, too, have to be “beautiful? ” If you don’t have a six-pack and some guns, are you less desirable to women? My friend thinks so…

Any thoughts (on these questions)

P.S. I have included a couple of pictures that reflect my inner struggle with beauty/body image issues. In one pic, I had a won a scholarship to my university’s journalism school, but I was thinking about about my weight. In another pic, two years later, I had lost the weight. I was in a pageant, the Miss Atlanta-Jamaica Pageant, but I was worried about not being pretty enough or Jamaican enough for that matter, but I digress…

pageant2