The List…

Hello World,

Happy Hump Day! Yay!

So this weekend, I will be attending the Faith & Fiction Retreat right here in the A. As the name suggests, some of the top authors in Christian fiction will be there. The featured authors are Tiffany L. Warren, who is actually the organizer of the event; Kimberla Lawson Roby, a New York Times best-selling author; Victoria Christopher Murray and Sherri Lewis, an Essence Magazine best-selling author. While these are the featured authors, many other authors will serve as author panelists at the retreat. It will be fun I’m sure! And I don’t think it’s too late to attend! Check the Web site for more info…

So I have been asked to moderate a discussion on Sherri Lewis’ book “The List.” Below is a description of the book from her Web site.

Single and satisfied? Not Michelle, Angela and Lisa. These saved but sexy, successful black women think they’re getting too old to keep waiting on God to send their soulmates. Under the protective eye of their more spiritual sistergirlfriend, Vanessa, and the scrutiny of newly saved manhater, Nicole, the ladies go on a hilarious adventure to “be found” by their husbands.

Armed with their list of essential must-have’s, would-be-nice’s, icing-on-the-cake’s, and total-deal-breakers, they start their search – but soon encounter issues specific to the saved woman on the dating scene. Is online dating okay for Christians? How long do you wait before you tell the hottie you just met that you’re celibate and plan to stay so until married? He’s too fine to pass up – how saved does he really need to be? And of course, how do you keep things holy when he’s oh-so-sexy?

It’s not long before they realize they still have to trust God to know what’s best for them and that He loves them enough to send them everything on The List.

Perhaps it’s synchronicity at work that I was asked to moderate a discussion on this book…At the advice of a spiritual mentor, I came up with my own list back in 2003 (the actual list I wrote back then is included in this list)…With 51 qualities, it is a list to rival Chilli’s!!! I must say my list kept me on track back then when I wanted to date a man just based on how he looked and the chemistry we had although he lacked other redeeming qualities…yes, I have dated some crazy but fine dudes in my day….but since then, I have learned that it is quite unrealistic to expect a man to have everything you want…

front page of my list...yes, the back of this page is completely filled up...

And in my fact, I have pared down my list to “essential must-haves!” And I have allowed God to direct my thinking as well…My father told me that only God truly knows what you need, and you have to allow Him to lead you to that right person list or no list…

So what are the qualities that your ideal man must have? Did you make a list? Are you planning to make one? Did you get what you need and what you want? What are your “essential must-haves?”

Please share…

Any thoughts?

Chilli from TLC discussing her own infamous list on the VH1 reality show, “What Chilli Wants.”

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19 thoughts on “The List…

  1. Great post!
    I did have a list and perhaps as many, my list changed through the years as I matured. I did get my essentials and a few of “just for the heck of it” as well. Of course I didn’t get everything I wanted – but more than enough of what I NEED. One additional thing I did do was look at myself – I think its amazing that we make these long lists of what we want – I ask how many of those “requirements” do we meet? Posted a similar comment on an earlier post by you so I won’t rehash, but I agree with your Dad: God truly knows what we need and has promised to always provide just that: what we NEED.

    • I am the queen of taking a look at myself…as I made my list even back in 2003, I realized that I had to step up my game too..and I am a better person for making the list although I no longer “need” everything on the list…

  2. Jackie, I would LOVE to see your revised list!!!!!! I commend you for “putting it all out there” ~ so since you did, I wil ask: I understand commitment to God and financial stability, but what does him loving to dance or wanting more than one child but no more than 3 really have to do with the quality of your relationship? If a person comes to the table with 100% of what is on your list, where is the room to grow? Learn new things? Learn the essence of compromise?
    I have also been told – and learned – that there is no one person who can give you 100% of what you want/need, that’s why we have friends. Each person brings something new and different. So what is he doesn’t like to dance – grab your girls and hit the floor :-).

    • That was just my wish list at the time…Having a child or two is not a deal breaker any more, but any more than that and he has to be darn near perfect for me…at the last very wealthy :)(child support is not cheap)…as far as the loving to dance…that’s not an essential clearly, but it’s nice to have…the list was just the blue print…and I think we all need to start with one but of course God always has and exercises the option to veto and change 🙂

  3. Hi Jackie, Great post!!!! I am curious, what do the “R’s” on your list mean?

    At this point in the game, my list is pretty short: I want somebody I can trust, whose company I enjoy. Everything else is negotiable.

  4. I didn’t know you were going to the conference. It should be wonderful! Several of my friends are also attending. As far as your list goes, I say stick to your standards but with an open mind …

  5. LOL @ the “R” comments….My list is very similar to yours with the exception of the religious requirement (Spirituality is more important to me) and thanks to changes that I went through (it must have been GOD) I was able to remove the stuff that I really didn’t need (they were really wants) such as a man that makes more than me and other superficial stuff! The main things I needed were 1) man with family values and comes from a good family, 2) honest, 3) spiritual, 4) good heart, 5) non-smoker, 6) NOT LAZY! (an active person), 7) willing to try new things, 8) a man’s man and I got everything that I need in 1! Now I just have to work on getting my ring…any tips?? LOL

    • Yeah, I’m not a fan of lazy either…Great list Katrina! As far as the ring…reply to Bloggess, she got her man to put a ring on it… 🙂

  6. Enjoyed your post, Jackie. I’m not a single woman anymore but I still believe that in many ways I’ll always be a single woman. I like to think that I am complete as an entity and that to be “double” or married is not necessarily the goal. About the list. I had one and I do revisit it from time-to-time. I believe that we’re all here in the quest to become more refined human beings and along the way all sorts of people are there to nudge you in the right direction. A spouse is just one of them and having been with mine for five years, I realize he came into this marriage as imperfect as I did and we’re both getting refined along the way. The hard stuff is simply the chipping away that our Sculptor is doing. It seems like the same hard stuff I experienced before I got married was also the Sculptor at work. As for the list – I am becoming the person on my list, slowly but surely.

    • Thank you for your wisdom…I think in my heart, I will always be a single girl – particularly because I have been one for soo long…but I have enjoyed it with all of its ups and downs..

    • Beautiful reply!!!!! I love the “complete entity” part: I genuinely believe that we cannot be “coupled” happily until we see ourselves as complete beings. Someone gave me a book on viewing relationships from a Godly perspective (maybe written by Bishop Eddie Long) one of the take away points was that God uses one of our most vulnerable experinces – relationships – to refine us, to make us more like Him. That resinated with me – that through my relationships God tries me, refines me, improves me. LOVE “becoming the person on my list …”

  7. The only person that can control is YOU! The best list you can male is about you and whom you need to be for the husband God has for you. 
    The right balance of looks sprituality and fun in a personcan be too much to process and can take the joy out of the dating process. We all know on some level the kind of person we want, but where we often fall short is in our own preparation for our spouce. In the best marriages you will spend more time thnking of being the blessing than recieving a blessing.  Serving them, not receiving from them.

    What’s more valuable then having a list of wants (especially for a woman) is having a list of your best gifts. Seeing these in writing will help you to clearly see where your best gifts should reside. You may ne dating Johnny the accountant and learn that he is great with numbers and needs to grow with people skills. Just to happens that on your list is people person. Johnny may be great in the kitchen but is often late and misses key appointments. On your list of gifts is planning.

    The point is your gifts shall make room for you not your list of things that he should have. Your gifts should be the focus as one of your big responsibilities in marriage is to give to your spouse. Your gifts will make room in his mind, room in his heart, room in his wallet praise God :-). When your allow your gifts to bless a man it hard for him not to reciprocate. 

    I say your list should be about what you give to your husband to be and then that list will help you to know and have peace about whom to choose. It will help you to clearly see the home for your best gifts to reside. 

    Your brother,
    James

    • James, thanks for a male perspective…I had not thought of the list that way before…as always, it is better to give than receive, and it is a good practice to list what you think you can give to a potential husband rather than what he can provide for you…I hope you continue to stop by my blog…

  8. Good luck on the retreat, Jackie! Sounds like a lot of fun and the book sounds worth reading, even to an older, married woman like myself. I also made the ‘list’ and did not settle – I met Dave when I was weeks shy of my 50th birthday. Tuesday was our 9th wedding anniversary. He’s in Florida right now and I’m in Pennsylvania, helping out with my parents while my Dad has a heart procedure for blocked arteries tomorrow.

    So, having married the wrong man previously, based on my wants rather than what God wanted, my advise to you young single women is to wait. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man. God has something wonderful in store for you, if your heart is open to receive it.

    Dave is not someone who’d I’d have stopped dead in my tracks for, had I run into him on the street! But the longer I’m with him, the more handsome he becomes. And while he was not necessarily a ‘hottie’ on day one, he’s on fire now! We have a beautiful, Christian marriage – he’s the head and I’m the heart. I love that analogy, based on a book by Stormie O’Martin – The Power of a Praying Wife – worth reading for any woman. I now give it as a wedding present!