Category Archives: love and marriage

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My soul mate is married and other conundrums of life…

Hello World! 

If you are anything like me, you are pondering and saddened by the news that American Idol winner and The Color Purple star Fantasia Barrino is recovering after an overdose of aspirin and a sleep aid…Apparently, she took the combination after  feeling “overwhelmed by the lawsuit and the media attention”  concerning her alleged relationship with her married boyfriend Antwaun Cook, her rep told TMZ.com.

Cook’s wife Paula recently filed a lawsuit against her estranged husband in North Carolina, and Barrino is mentioned in the lawsuit. According to WCNC.com, Barrino and Cook made a sex tape and now Paula is seeking custody of their young children, child support and alimony…To me, it’s pretty obvious that Barrino and Cook were not trying to hide their alleged relationship…She has a tattoo with his last name on her shoulder and there are  pictures on the Internet of the couple cavorting all over the world it seems…

Now, the Bible thumping part of me wants to say that Barrino is dead wrong and should leave that man alone – at least until he is truly divorced…But there is another part of me that has a different opinion…Anyone that has lived longer than about 25 years knows that life is not cut and dry…Is it possible to meet your soul mate after you are married to someone else? And if it is possible, what should one do?

In the movie Walk the Line, it was clear that Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash were soul mates — but they were married to other people when they met…And although they fell quickly in love, for a time the only time they could really spend together was on stage…And it appears that at least once Johnny cheated on his first wife with June (at least that is what happened in the movie)…and the two were Christians…Roseanne Cash, the eldest daughter of Cash and his first wife, has written a memoir, Composed, which arrived in stores yesterday.

Christian singer Amy Grant has been accused of having an affair with her now husband country music star Vince Gill. The two were married for years to other people and after they divorced their former spouses, the two married. Though they deny having an affair while they were married to other people, the two admit they felt a deep connection to each other when they first met…

So what say you? What would you do? I think part of the reason that I did not want to get married in my ’20s was that I wanted to wait until I really knew myself before I made that commitment…It seems that in both of the examples that I shared, these couples originally married very early in their lives…Would they have made better decisions if they had waited until they were older? I say yes. I’m not saying that every couple that gets married at a young age is doomed and will meet people better suited for them once they get older…but I do think that when you get older you tend to make better decisions…at least it should be that way…ain’t nothin’ worse than an old fool…

As I alluded to in my title of this post, life can present some interesting conundrums if you live long enough…I’m sure we’ve all heard stories of couples remarrying after they have gotten divorced…Is that wrong or right? Is cheating really grounds for divorce?…A minister told me and a group of other people that many people should not be so quick to divorce after cheating has been revealed, and that he has counseled many that wished they would have forgiven rather divorced their spouses for this offense…

At any rate, aside from all of the philosophizing, we should all pray for Barrino as it’s obvious that this immensly talented singer is suffering right now…

Any thoughts?

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Book Notes#2 – The Ring Formula: How to Meet, Date & Marry Mr. Right

Hello World,

Can you believe that 2010 is half over…where did the time go?

Anywho, about a year ago, I started a Facebook conversation with one of my FB friends Dr. Alduan Tartt, an Atlanta-based psychologist,  about how he could counsel people about being in romantic relationships although he was single. That is one of my pet peeves…People who advise other people on situations while they have no practical experience of the situations in question…However, Dr. Tartt was very gracious in fielding my questions and even e-mailed me a free copy of his book, The Ring Formula: How to Meet, Date & Marry Mr. RIGHT (The title has been revised since the first printing of the book) so that I could review his book for my blog…Being the procrastinator that I am, I am reviewing his book a year later…But since he has a seminar this upcoming weekend, I thought it would be nice  to FINALLY review his book , and hopefully some of you will want to go to his seminar…Plus, according to his FB status, he is now in a relationship…

So on to my review….Well ladies, Dr. Tartt starts of his book stating that scores of single women have unwittingly taken themselves out of the marriage market because they simply don’t know how to make themselves marriage material — and to top it off, WHEN they do seek advice, they do so from other single women…Food for thought…so far, so good…I can cosign on that…

What I like about the book early on is that Dr. Tartt apologizes for some of his less-than-perfect behavior in his own dating life…

“I am writing this book to make amends for my past transgressions and to offer my beautifully talented sisters an attitude-altering lesson and insight into the male psyche.”

Now, I won’t give away his entire book here, but I will include some juicy tidbits…So what is the first component of Dr. Tartt’s formula? “Learn How to Cook: Nurture Your Man’s Soul.”…I must admit there is something that rises inside of me when I think about that…There is a feminist part of me that says, “Why do I have to know how to cook to catch a husband?” But when I think about my mother and her food…well let’s just say that I make sure I stop at her table every Sunday for a good home-cooked meal, and my father is always praising my mother for her cooking! So maybe he is on to something…Dr. Tartt also offers an example of two women who vied for the attention of one man…one was beautiful with a “mean shoe game” and great conversation and other woman was a great cook…guess who won out?

 “When a woman learns to cook, not just open a can and heat or microwave, she learns how to love and thus becomes a very powerful woman who is able to control even the strongest of men.”

Another part of Dr. Tartt’s formula is “Stay in Your Lane: Respect Your Man’s Position.”  This chapter is all about men and women staying in their traditional gender roles…i.e. men are designed to lead and women are designed to assist them….My father, who is a pastor, is always preaching that men and women will be happier if they are in the roles that God had in mind when He created us…I must admit though something within me bucks at this too…but Dr. Tartt did a good job of softening the blow….Below is a paragraph about a woman in the chapter that learned the hard way that even her father made occasional bad decisions about money, but her mother supported him anyway. This woman had just scared a man away by not being supportive of him and went to her mother to get some insight.

“Her mom told her about how she stood beside and supported her husband when he made a bad financial move in the real estate market despite his father-in-law’s warning. In fact, they had to downgrade and reside in a rental property on the wrong side of town to make ends meet. She was furious, but she saw standing beside and supporting her husband as her duty. She realized that her commitment was to her husband, not to material things.”

Dr. Tartt also believes that women should withhold sex if they want to get a man to marry them…He describes this belief in his chapter, “Check Under the Hood: Friends Before Lovers.” Interesting concept in today’s world…

“So what are you supposed to do when your man outright demands sex and independence? This is where YOUR self-discipline takes over. Simply refuse to compromise your morals, and opt to develop friendship, support and loyalty instead. Although men certainly will throw some form of temper tantrums after being turned down for sex, ultimately they respect you and work hard to earn your companionship.”

Hmmm…what do y’all think?

And what do y’all think about this chapter, “Soul Train or Soul Mate: Date to MARRY.” In this chapter, Dr. Tartt describes nice men who are content to be in relationships with nice women indefinitely…without being married! He describes Erika who was in a satisfying relationship with a good man who did not want to get married…After one too many Christmases had gone by without a ring, she decides to dump him and not settle for less than what she wants: marriage…Amen sista!

In summary, men don’t like to lose three things: love, power and respect. When Erika left Marshall, he ended up losing all three, which was more than he could bear. Ultimately, he lost her love, her daily attention and the power to have his cake and eat it too. Ironically, he is now fighting to reacquire that love, attention and respect. I’ll have to admit that Erika’s chances for love look pretty good now. In fact, she has another suitor who is madly in love with her, and she is enjoying every moment of it. Look who is having her cake and eating it too now!

There are more components to his formula, but you have to check out the actual book for yourself! So what do you think about Dr. Tartt’s book? Is he on to something? Or do we already know this information?…

Any thoughts?

P.S. Just cuz I feel like that today, I have posted this timeless Etta James classic. Enjoy!

 

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Soul Mates: Jessie & Tangie Henry…

Hello World!

Yay! It’s still summer! 

About a year ago, I said on this blog I would feature different Christian couples who have been married 10 years or more so that they can share the secrets of their success. I actually don’t think we have enough positive examples of happy and whole marriages out there so I want to showcase them here on my blog…And so I am finally making good on my intention….Presenting the first installment of “Soul Mates…”( Note: This is simply an introduction to this couple not a public display of all their bizness…lol…)

Jessie Henry, 39, musician, social media strategist, blogger, no children

Tangie Henry, 38, registered nurse, certified life coach, no children

Anniversary: June 24, 1995—Married 15 years.

1. Please describe how the two of you met.

Jessie: We were at Ft. Stewart, and we were introduced by a mutual friend.

Tangie: (Shaking my head…LOL!)  Yes, we were at Ft. Stewart. (We both were in the Army stationed there; Ft. Stewart, GA) But we were not initially introduced by the friend he is speaking of.  We had another mutual friend that initially introduced us, but we never really interacted because he told me that he didn’t like “Army girls” and I had “another interest” as well.  Anyway, one night after I had gotten out of the Army, one of my friends(the mutual friend) and I were on post and we ran into Jessie.  She stopped him and asked him about his keyboard-playing skills at church (Jessie is an excellent piano, keyboard and organ player), and he said, “Prayer & practice.”  I was smitten!  I, then, began to see him in a whole new light! LOL!  I was thinking, “This brother has those kinds of skills and he acknowledged the Lord.”

After that night, I couldn’t get him out of my head, so several weeks later I went back on post to talk to him by myself…and the rest is history!  We were 21 and 22 years old at the time…WOW!

2. Were you Christians when you met?

Jessie: Yes.  My parents are pastors.  I grew up in the church, but I had to ultimately make the decision for myself.

Tangie:  Yes.  I’d given my life to the Lord about 2 years prior.  We had a few different beliefs, though, that we had to work through…

3. Share a happy time in your marriage.

Jessie: When we took a vacation to California.  I enjoyed the scenery and the activities.  Oh, and I enjoyed being with my baby, too.  LOL!

Tangie:  I would have to say a “happy time” in our marriage is now.  We have matured as individuals and as couples, and I’m enjoying the groove we’re in now.

4. Please share a difficult time & how you coped.

Jessie:  In the summer of 2001 we had been doing a lot of arguing, and neither one of us wanted to give in.  I was scheduled to go work out of town, and I left with us being on bad terms.  Things started to get better after September 11th.

Tangie: I agree about the time period, but I don’t feel like we really reconciled after September 11th.  As a matter of a fact, I was very hurt, angry and upset well into the following year.  The turning point for me was when Jessie began to show me that he wanted to stay in the marriage and that he was committed.  I also prayed a lot, and I really wanted to do the right thing from a Christian perspective because I know that God hates divorce.  I kept asking myself, “If I get a divorce, then am I saying that God can’t heal my marriage?”

5. What are the secrets of success to your marriage?

Jessie: I would say maturity and communication.  Advice:  People should have some type of pre-marital counseling before getting married.  Whatever little things that may be concerning you now, go ahead and get it out on the table so that it won’t show up again in the marriage.  People don’t get to drive a car without some type of training, and you shouldn’t get married without being trained either.

Tangie: I would say that we are committed to the marriage.  Having realistic expectations of your mate and marriage, in general, cuts down on half of the problems.  Oftentimes, we create a fantasy of what we think marriage is supposed to be like and when it doesn’t play out like it does in the movies, we want out.  But understanding that marriage is a covenant and knowing the significance of that puts things into perspective.  So then you’re more focused on the things that really matter and not worried about who didn’t put their dishes in the dishwasher. LOL!

Jessie and Tangie Henry work diligently in pursuing their purpose both collectively and individually.  He is the founder and president of Tangible Concepts, LLC a multi-media education and entertainment company whose mission is to educate, inspire and empower, featuring products and services of the highest standards.  Visit him online at www.TangibleConceptsLLC.com. Tangie is the founder and president of InspiredSistah, LLC a company dedicated to “inspiring women to live on top of the world” through personal development coaching, inspirational workshops and inspirational literature.  You can visit her online at www.InspiredSistah.com or www.MarriageAintforWimps.com.

Any thoughts? (If you know of any married couples that need to be featured in “Soul Mates,” please comment and let me know.)