Posted on Wednesday, July 14, 2010

So is the black church keeping black women single and lonely?

Hello World!!!

Happy Hump Day! Now that I have offered that nicety, let me get into the not-so-nice business at hand of the day…

I have been trying to ignore this topic for weeks (Black women and our dating and mating woes seem to be the topic du jour of 2010, huh?) , but Facebook friends and other friends have e-mailed this article to me one time too many, and now, I feel compelled to respond…

Dating expert, Deborrah Cooper, through her Web Site, Surviving Dating, has written an article that has the blogosphere buzzing…

The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely…

Tadow…she’s really trying to hit us in the kisser huh?! If you criticize the black church, you may just be taking on an army of Christian soldiers anyone would be hard pressed to beat…

But she does make some interesting points…I won’t rehash it all here but below are a few excerpts from her controversial article…

An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion”by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”

The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”

Single Black women trying to live a sanctified lifestyle won’t be caught dead in the places where men are likely to be found. These church women refuse to go to parties, sports bars or sporting events, or clubs where there is drinking, card playing, domino throwing, s*$t talking and cussing – you know, the things that most men who enjoy life like to do. Instead these single Black women sit at home alone, or get together with their friends and read the Bible, then pray that God will bring them a husband.

Some women will argue that there are lots of “nice” single men in church and that I am being harsh. Okay, I’ve been to dozens of churches around the country and looked hard at those guys. Without a doubt I can tell you flatly that the vast majority (I’m saying 98%) of them fit into one of four categories:

A loser working a 12-step program. These guys are in church looking for structure and something to believe in besides themselves, because they are weak and confused. They need help getting their lives back on track and are seeking solace and comfort in church. If they can hook up with a woman looking desperately for a church-going man of any ilk, they’ve got it made.

Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying. Some gay men are wrestling with severe guilt and confusion about their desires, which they hope to pray away. Others are openly gay and attend church seeking acceptance from a community which turns its nose up at homosexuality; they are also seeking forgiveness for their sins. Whatever may be this guy’s issue, he is emotionally and psychologically unavailable.

Opportunistic players on the prowl. Every player I know goes to a couple of different churches… some of them go quite regularly. They have easy pickings amongst the hundreds of horny, lonely single women that will cook and give them free meals and satisfy his sexual urges (though these players have no intention of marrying and committing to anyone). Since sex amongst unmarried singles is a sin, it is easy for him to gain the assurance of the women that they keep things secret and not speak of their “transgression” lest they feel the wrath of the Pastor. This secrecy makes it easy for him to hide the fact that he is bed hopping with four or five single ladies, right under their respective noses.

Elderly reformed players. These guys have played themselves so hard and so long, they’re worn out. Their old butts finally realized that the end may be near and playtime is over. Worried about dying alone, they bring their behinds back to church to find a “good Christian woman” for marriage. Essentially they are looking for a free nursemaid and bed warmer… someone to provide comfort and take care of their old broken down a$$@s before they die.

In spite of these facts, Black women go to church week after week, hearing over and over again the message that they should be seeking “a God-fearing man.” Sistahs in church are instructed by their Pastor that there should be no room in their lives for a man without faith in The Lord.

But with so few Black men attending church, and those that are in church being largely unsuitable as marital partners, what is it that single Black women are looking for in church?

Why do Black women run to church in droves and willingly put themselves in the position to be dictated to, harshly judged and instructed like a child on how to live their lives by some man that is not their father and to whom they are not married?

Cooper also includes a YouTube video from a pastor that she believes is contributing to this issue…

Hmmm….I get what this pastor says, but I cannot agree with his premise of being hidden…The very notion of hiding suggests that one does not want to be found…This pastor seems to be saying that unless you are at church or at home or doing something obviously religious, you are setting up yourself for failure in the dating game…

But on the other hand, I don’t think a woman should chase men either…I think there is a happy medium that can be achieved…What is wrong with dating Web sites like eHarmony or going out with your girlfriends to dance at a club? God has been known to work in mysterious ways and you may meet that man through the Internet or on Friday night instead of a Sunday morning…

But I submit this whole notion of being hidden is a fallacy being promoted throughout the church in general – not the white church, not the black church, not the Asian church, not the Hispanic church, etc…

In the book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” Dr. Henry Cloud, a white Christian psychologist, describes a similar scenario in which a woman, Lillie, was waiting on God to bring her a man. When he asked her how it was going, Lillie confessed to him she had not been on a date in TWO years. He felt compelled to help her at that point…

“Her lack of dates had to be a combination of her sitting back and waiting for the man of her dreams to come and find her and some personal dynamics interfering with her desire to be married. I could think of no other reason someone who actually wanted to have a man in her life would be that stuck.”

Within several months of counseling, the woman in Dr. Cloud’s book was in a significant relationship and eventually, some months later, she got married….And Lillie met her Christian husband through a dating website.

Below is another excerpt from Dr. Cloud’s book.

“Many people have been taught to view dating similarly to the way Lillie did: ‘God will bring the person to you. Just wait.’ And they think this approach is spiritual. But in reality, it negates the dual track of the Bible that teaches God will guide the way, but we have to actively walk in that way and fight the battles.”

Now on to Cooper’s belief that if one does meet a black man in church, he falls into one of the categories above…

Again, it’s not just black women that seem to be frustrated with men in church, white Christian author and actress Susan E. Isaacs, describes her hilarious dating life in her book, “Angry Conversations With God: A Snarky But Authentic Spiritual Memoir.”

“I also spent time with loads of Christian men who were funny, emotionally present, and not threatened by my intelligence. Men like Mark who were gay or trying not to be. The rest of the single men at my church were perpetually on the healing conference tour. And who has time to date when you’re at the healing conferences, getting healed? (Or taking notes about getting healed?)”

Hilarious huh? Yes, a good man is hard to find in church —and sometimes the church promotes ideologies that keep men of all races outstide of the church….

— but the real truth of the matter is a good man is hard to find anywhere…just ask your girl that is not a Christian…

Any thoughts?

Posted on Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sex and the City 2: The Review…

Hello World!!!

Okay, okay, okay…now that the girls’ movie of the year has been out for just over two weeks, I thought it would appropriate to discuss the movie at length…First of all, did you like it? Was it better than the first movie? Did it leave you wanting more?

My answers are: Yes, Yes and Maybe…

I’m afraid when it comes to Carrie and the girls, I will always be a HUGE fan…the writers of the “Sex and City” institution would have to do a lot to lose me…As I read or heard somewhere, “Sex and the City” is a love letter to singlehood…And anyone who has been out in the dating game for a while knows that single girls like myself need a good love letter every now and then…soo I LOVED the movie…

And I enjoyed it more than the first movie…Why? Well, first of all, let me state this: some of the quirkiness, irony and overall rhythm of the HBO television series simply can not be duplicated on the big screen…I did not realize this when I saw the first movie and so I kept pondering what was missing…Once I realized that I could not expect exactly what I saw in the television series, I could relax and let the story unfold…And so for that reason first of all, I enjoyed the second installment of the movie more than the first…

Now aside from that, I enjoyed the overall plot more anyway…let’s face it…many of my friends (like Carrie and the girls) and I have been single for a looong while and once we finally tie the knot, I’m sure we will ponder just what being married really means for us…This notion was the theme of the second movie. I was never one of those women who wanted to get married in my ’20s…for better or worse, I wanted and had to explore this world solo a little bit before committing to the institution of marriage…And I also affirm that part of the reason that I have been single for so long is because I have wanted to be…And for anyone that has treasured singlehood, I would guess that it would be difficult to surrender that individuality, freedom and let’s face it: excitement that you feel when you always have the chance of meeting your next great love…

Carrie finally landed Big after years of practically chasing down this classically emotionally unavailable man around the NYC…And now the two have been Mr. & Mrs. Big for roughly two years…You would think she would be satisfied as she finally has the man and career of her dreams…but as any dyed-in-the-wool single girl has realized years ago, “familiarity breeds contempt…” Carrie has gotten somewhat bored…her husband is no longer the single suitor that shows up outside of her window in his black limo ready to whisk her away on a romantic night on the town…instead, he has become the predicatable husband that would prefer ordering in every night and watching black and white movies on television…(Actually, that sounds great to me, but let’s keep the focus on the heroine of the movie…)

In fact, Carrie is so shaken up by Big’s predictability, she escapes to her single girl apartment that she still owns to write and ponder her marriage…Question: Should every woman retain ownership of her bachelorette pad for occasions such as these? After a couple of days or so go by, her husband shows up outside her window as he did when they were single to whisk her away for a romantic night on the town…they are pleasantly surprised to discover how much excitement they have for one another after a few days away from each other…And to Carrie’s surprise, Big suggests that they take a two-day vacation away from each other every other week…And since Carrie is all about defining new roles, even in marriage, she considers his proposition while secretly scared their marriage may be deteriorating…

And true to form, Carrie MUST discuss all of this when she and the girls head to Abu Dhabi (actually Morroco) for much needed girl time…Question: Even after marriage, should girls regularly schedule a trip just for the girls? The all- expenses- paid trip is a gift from one of Samantha’s potential new clients…(Read NG – you know who you are, I need for you to hook up a similar trip…’K, thanks 🙂 ) What a better place to ponder gender roles and the institution of marriage than in the Middle East…For the purposes of brevity, I won’t get into much of what happened with Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha…but I will attempt to wrap it up here…Charlotte, who dreamed about about being a mother for years, discovers that motherhood, while incredibly rewarding, is just plain hard… Miranda, who encourages Charlotte to confess and affirm her ambiguous feelings about motherhood, realizes that she can define her career on her own instead of bowing down at the chauvinistic law firm she works for…Samantha, a lovable sex fiend, realizes that her sexuality, while shocking stateside, is downright criminal in the Middle East….

But back to Carrie…Inevitably, while in Abu Dhabi, she draws The Test to her…everyone should know what the Test is by now…I believe that whenever we are considering making a decision that could change the trajectory of our life usually for the better, we attract the very thing that threatens to take us off course…I first read about this in the The Artist’s Way…I could give a dramatic example of this us…but let me offer a more harmless example…Trying to lose weight, you make a huge salad with just the right amount of broccoli and other veggies and just as you sit down to eat it, your girl calls up and invites you out for coffee and desert…oh the temptation…

And so in the middle of Abu Dhabi of all places, Carrie bumps into Aidan – the other man who swept her off of her feet…(And some of us feel that she should have choosen Aidan over Big anyway…) Feeling somewhat unsure of her relationship with Big, she goes out to dinner with Aidan…Question: Is it okay to go out to dinner with a former love under any circumstances once you are married? One woman told me she felt it was okay since they ran into each other across the world from where they met…

True to her drama-creating form, Carrie allows herself to be kissed by Aidan…and truth be told, she sets up the stage for such a kiss when she wears a skirt with a slit that nearly reaches her waist…Once she actually kisses him though, she instantly feels remorse and remembers what it was like when she was single and all she wanted was Big’s commitment…and of course, all’s well that ends well…Carrie and Big have a heart-to-heart discussion about their marriage that ends with Carrie wearing a huge black diamond ring that while it symbolizes her marriage to Big also demonstrates her individuality…

So what did you think about the movie…

Any thoughts?

Posted on Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man? – THE DEBATE

Hello World,

As you know, I attended ABC News’ “Nightline” debate “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” on April 9. Since I am passionate about the topic of relationships, black love in particular, I have a wealth of information to share with you, and quite possibly – the answer to this stirring question…Read on…(Also, “keep in mind that I’m an artist,” and you know the rest…Erykah Badu ain neva lied…)

It all started in a Taco Bell somewhere in L.A. or it all COULD have started in a Taco Bell somewhere in L.A. …A voluptuous black actress and comedian noticed a slim but cute black actor…but with a sudden realization, the actress and comedian decided the pass the struggling actor on by… “Oh he’s good looking, but he didn’t drive up in anything,” said the struggling actress and comedian who had to ride the bus to her destinations. “And I need to be with a man at least who’s driving up in something.”

So who was the black actress and comedian and who was the black actor? Sherri Shepherd and Hill Harper. The two met each other years before they became successful in the entertainment business. And Hill Harper shared the story as part of the debate to illustrate one of the points that he made during the debate – that a black woman may find a “diamond in the rough” if they are willing to date a man with potential. In his book “The Conversation,” Hill wrote about this point when he described how our future president and first lady met. An up-and-coming attorney was willing to date a law school student whose mode of transportation was so raggedy you could see the street through a hole in the bottom of it.

Sherri pointed out she could ride the bus by herself and needed someone who could at least upgrade her situation.

“But I had potential,” Hill said with a wry smile. The audience erupted in laughter and applause. And of course Sherri countered. “Now so maybe some stuff can happen.”

Although this exchange between Hill and Sherri was hilarious, it was a poignant exchange nonetheless that left me wondering if the course of many women’s lives would be changed if they were willing to look past the exterior and see what lies underneath…Obviously, Hill Harper turned out well in spite of his humble beginnings…(And for a skinny, light-skinned dude, he sure is fine…)

Dating a man with “potential,” a man who has not achieved the same professional status or even one that society deems not appropriate for a black woman seemed to be the themes of the night… I talked with a few of the audience members at the debate… I asked them is it true that a successful black woman can’t find a man.

“No,” said Dashon the Dating Diva, a blogger for FlaglerHill.com. “Sometimes we are own worst enemies when it comes to criteria. If a woman has an MBA, she has to marry a man with an MBA. Or a man has to be appealing to my girls.”

Dashon explained that she met and married her former husband when she was a Coca-Cola executive and he was a meter reader. “I looked for someone with character. Formal education is not equivalent to intellect. I know a lot of educated fools.”

Although their 17-year marriage ultimately ended in divorce, it was not because of their inequitable professional status. “I’m better because of the marriage,” Dashon said.

Dex Day, a flight attendant, said that she was willing to open her dating pool to white men as she had some negative experiences dating black men. Day met her husband, a white man, at Johnny’s Hideway, a nightclub in Atlanta, and have been together ever since. They have been married 10 years.

“If I preferred a black man, that would make it easier for me in society,” said Day, “but it was more important to have someone love me. I married a good man with a good heart.”

Again, although much of the debate was punctuated by laughter, some macro societal issues were also discussed. Hill mentioned that as the U.S. moved out of the Industrial Age and into a more office-based working environment and the Civil Rights Era, the “powers that be” at the time and even now have found it much easier to hire black women rather than black men for these jobs. Over time, this practice has created a generation of black women that out-earn black men…

Futhermore, according to Hill, 69 percent of Latino-American children are raised in two-parent households. 79 percent of white American children are raised in two-parent households. 84 percent of Asian-American children are raised in two-parent households.

“We’re at 31 percent,” said Hill. “So that’s huge catastrophic problem…”

Obviously, we’re looking at the destruction of the black family if we don’t figure out a way to get together and stay together…

But the onus of responsiblity of shifting our dating paradigm should not and cannot just fall on black women…Many men seem to be choosing women that they shouldn’t be…(According to Hill again (yes, I do luv him!) 95 percent of women are trying to date 5 percent of the men, and 95 percent of the men are trying to date 5 percent of the women…) Here’s what Sherri had to say about that.

“I don’t know any black woman that could go out here and make a sex tape and get a cupcake line, a clothing line, a perfume line …be touted around on the arm … on the arm of an athlete like, ‘This is my girl.’ ‘Cause, you know, when we do that kind of stuff, we called ‘SuperHead’ or we called, you know…” Wonder who she is talking about? Hmmm…

Steve Harvey also admitted that his generation of men failed to teach younger men how to be men and it shows up in hip hop music and broader culture.

“In this generation that first benefitted from the Civil Rights Movement, a lot of us are the first ones in our family to go to college, the first one to climb the corporate ladder, first one to get a position at the post office, be the supervisor … whatever the case may be…In that climb, in that journey, we forgot to turn around and teach the generation behind us the business of manhood.”

Steve added that this lack of knowledge of how to be a man which includes knowing how to love a woman has found its way into hip hop music.

“We’re the only race of people who degrade our women in our music.” Say that…Straight garbage is on our radio stations…another topic for another day…

Obviously more could be said, but I’ve probably gone on far too long…