Tag Archives: church

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Can the Black Church Cheat Black Women Out of Marriage & Kids…

Hello World,  blacklove

If the election results in your state didn’t go quite the way you voted, shake it off today…God’s mercies are new every morning…Stay engaged, but more importantly stay prayed up…Okay, off of my political soapbox and on to the issue of the day on this here blog…

This week I have happened upon three articles about black relationships that have caused me once again to lament the messages that are being disseminated about the state of black on black love…

On Sunday, I read this article “No Scrubs? The Dilemma of Modern African-American Women” by New York Post reporter David Kaufman….According to this misguided writer, the choice of Rachel Noerdlinger, chief of staff for City of New York First Lady Chirlane McCray, to be with ex-con boyfriend Hassaun McFarlan is proof that black women have nobody to date and must date ex-cons if they hope to be with black men at all…and that the only choice for black women at this point is to boo up with white wen…I know Rachel Noerdlinger assists the wife of an elected official, but who elected her Black Women’s Dating President…I am reasonably sure this is not a title she even wants…Obviously this woman likes a “bad boy” for whatever reason…She is not the first one and she won’t be the last one to like a rough neck…and that goes for women of all races…

A day later, I see this – “Well-Traveled, Intelligent Black Man, 34, Seeks ‘Sista’ OK With Him Making Less Money” on theroot.com…Jermaine Terrell Star says the sistas ain’t checkin’ for him because although he “spent all of [his] 20s traveling around Eastern Europe—mainly through Peace Corps, Fulbright and language study-abroad programs—and earning degrees,” he wasn’t making moves on the career front, relegating him to a lower salary when he finally did enter the working world…making him not the optimum choice for black women who entered the working world when they were in their ’20s and have the salaries to prove it…

So which is it? Are black women forced to choose from ex-cons or not willing to date black men who don’t quite measure up financially? I just don’t think both can be true…

rainaNow on to the article that made me have to gone head and whip up this blog post…“How the ‘Black Church’ Cheated this Woman Out of the Possibility of Marriage With Kids…” Raina T. Shaw on beyondblackwhite.com said that while she was yet holdin’ on for a black man in the church since she was 19 years old (praying, tithing, believing and serving/volunteering in the church), — the saved and sanctified men eventually passed her up for “someone that wasn’t even in church. Usually, it was somebody that they fornicated with and got sexually turned out. After that they didn’t care if the woman was “saved” or not. He was going to make a convert out of this freak of the week with three kids! The men talked holiness, chastity and celibacy but wanted the same thing that other non-Christian men wanted after all. The church girls got tricked and are tricked on a continuous basis to this day.”

Then she went on to say that the black church encourages black women “to settle for under achievers, ex-cons, drug addicts, men on the downlow that are fighting the feeling, men with many divorces and children, under and unemployed but they get a pass from the saints because they know all of the scriptures.”

Finally, she broke it all the way down and said she does not regret “passing on marrying and having children with dysfunctional, unmarriageable men but, I am absolutely sure that had I not limited my dating pool to so called ‘saved,’ “Christian” men in the black church and black men in general, I would now be a wife and mother.” Oh yeah, she is also looking forward to “tak[eing] up with a non-black gentleman that recognizes and appreciates a black queen like myself when he encounters one.”

You may also want to check out similar commentary on “Honest Question: What Do Folks Expect Quality Black Women to Do? Shrivel Up and Die?” which is about Jacque Reid’s quest to find a quality man…

Now, let me be clear…I’m not against interracial relationships…wherever you find love or love finds you is beautiful… but I am against black women being cast as desperate and without options and black men being cast an ex-cons or not marriage material altogether…What say you?

Any thoughts?

 

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#WhyIStayed…Don’t Judge Domestic Violence Survivors…

Hello World, rayjanay

As we all know, domestic violence, unfortunately, is not a new issue and has often sparked national conversation…Remember the Farah Fawcett movie “The Burning Bed?”…But with the Monday TMZ release of the video in which former Ravens running back Ray Rice punched his wife Janay (then fiancee), knocking her unconscious and to the floor of an elevator, domestic violence is once again the topic of a national conversation…as it should be…

For women like myself who, fortunately, have no experience with domestic abuse, it is hard to understand why women will marry an abusive man as Janay did AFTER the incident in the elevator and stay with an abusive husband…However, unlike in 1984, when that groundbreaking movie “The Burning Bed” was released, new platforms such as Twitter and Instagram give the opportunity for women across the nation and the world to speak about their experiences with domestic violence…

Janay spoke out yesterday about she is choosing to stay with Ray Rice on Instagram…

janay instagramAnd many women, in an effort to help people understand rather than judge, tweeted about whey they stayed using the hashtag #WhyIStayed….

Below are a few of the tweets that I read with this important hash tag…

Beverly Gooden, author of “Confessions of a Church Girl” and creator of the hashtag #WhyIStayed, spoke about why she stayed in an abusive marriage on ABC’s “Good Morning America” this morning…

And below is a video of the interview…


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So as we continue to have this important conversation, let’s support rather judge domestic violence survivors…

Any thoughts?

 

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We Are Single Because We Want To Be…

Hello World!!!

Aside from reading Charlayne Hunter-Gault’s memoir, I also carved some time out of my vacation to finally read Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. While I devoured the hit show when it was on HBO, and I now savor the reruns, I had never read the actual book that inspired the groundbreaking show before a few weeks ago.

In the Introduction, Bushnell said the book’s central theme is the answer to this question – Why Are We Still Single?  This is her answer – “Now, with a few years’ perspective on this issue, I can safely conclude that we are single because we want to be.”

Wow! Since reading that statement, I have been digesting what that means to me and my other still single girlfriends. Just before I read the book, maybe a few days before even, the church pianist came up to me after church one Sunday and said something like, “When are you getting married? I’m trying to hold on so I can play at your wedding.” A guy who was nearby said, “I’ve asked her out, but she won’t go out with me.” The church pianist then said, “Oh, she’d be married by now if she wanted to be.” And my dear old Dad has pointed out to me recently that I have made ambivalent statements about being shackled..er…hitched.

So what am I saying? Gather any group of 30ish women for more than 20 minutes and the conversation will eventually shift toward a discussion about relationships. My girlfriends and I are no different. Since we crossed the 30-year-old threshold, we have discussed relationships with a urgency that wasn’t present a decade earlier. It’s not that we define ourselves singularly by our romantic relationships, but having a rich and rewarding partnership with a significant other is important. A 40ish, single friend of mine said a lot of it is biological; she has assured me that if I reach my 40s without being married, that desire will not be as strong. To that I say maybe so, but I’m not there yet.

But even as we desire to floss that rock, bag a husband and retire to the burbs, I wonder if some of us are really ambivalent about the whole thing. To that end, I have compiled a list of 10 actions that may prove that you are secretly ambivalent about the husband hunt.  As they say, “actions do speak louder than words.” These are in no particular order. Also, I will not disclose the actions I have taken…hey you gotta keep something to yourself.

1. You live in the A. Some of my friends are seriously considering moving to another city because they believe that the wealth of women in the city prevent the menfolk from having class in dating in general or from having to make any real commitments. Asking a girl over to your home for a 1 a.m. drink is not anyone’s idea of a romantic first date. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there…

2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. If you met a dude in the club, it’s possible that you can get him to go to church with you. (Hey, I’ve been known to stumble in at daylight Sunday morning, nod off for a hours, and head back out to the mid-morning church service.) But if you make this a habit, this action says more about you than it does about the guy. Marinate on this for a minute…

3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. Hmm, I’ve come to believe that if someone tells who he is, you’d be smart to believe him.

4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. What’s up with that? Is it because there are no good guys around or are you somehow unavailable at a deeper level?

5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. The “thrill of the chase” really sucks…

6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to. “Something New” is a good movie about throwing your so-called requirements out the window and actually accepting what you need rather than what you think you want in a man.

7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Get a grip. Sometimes, YOU are the problem.

8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. I mean, chill.

9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. In my humble opinion, if you manage to be loving to all people whether it be the guy that keeps offering to wash your windshield at a downtown intersection to your backbiting co-worker, then I believe that you will attract love – romantic and otherwise.

10. You forget to pray. If you’re a Christian, this means that you have to have a dialogue with God about what His will is for your life. It may or may not include a husband. Them’s the breaks.

Hey, I’m no counselor or therapist, but I think I could be right here. What do you think?

Any thoughts?

P.S.  This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. You rationalize that he will eventually get a house, a car and a clue…Hey at 25, this is fun…at 35, not so much…:)

P.P.S. Guys please comment!!!