Category Archives: love and marriage

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Your Turn: A Closeted Virgin Speaks Out…

Hello World!!!

Guess what y’all?! It’s my second installment of “Your Turn,” through which people with interesting insights and views post THEIR stories on my blog…I’ve had this post for over a month now and because of my busy schedule and good ole-fashioned procrastination, I neglected to get this post up…Sooo here goes…Calling all virgins out there? Can you hear me? Raise your hands if you are a virgin! I can’t see anybody of course as I’m sitting at my computer, but I imagine there are very few virgins out there past the age of 22 or so…And if you are a Christian and have been since you were a teenager, you are supposed to be one according to the Bible’s views on premarital sex…But as someone who grew up in the church and have known others who have grown up in the church, I know there are very few out there…

But I do know One…And on the condition of anonymity, I convinced him to share his views on being a virgin well into his adulthood…and for the record, he’s not an ogre…he’s actually quite handsome, but I will let him tell you all about it in his own words…

 She was a walking rap video, with proportions so ideal that they seemed surreal. A living and breathing fantasy, her slim waist, curvaceous hips and perfect planetary backside made me shake my head each time I looked her way…

“Concentrate on her eyes…,” I reminded myself as she lay beside me, attentively waiting for the announcement that I promised to make. “Uhhh,” I uttered as I cleared my throat.

“When…when I was 13 years old, that’s when I became a Christian…”

“Yes,” she said, interrupting my words.

“And…,” I continued. “Well, that’s when I made certain promises to GOD to not get high or drunk and to not have sex until I was married.”

She laughed. “I made those promises too…”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked her squarely in the eyes. “But I haven’t broken any of them.”

Silence.

“Wait, so you’re saying…Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

I was 30 years old then…I’ve had this conversation with so many women, both churchgoing and otherwise, and the reaction is always some kind of meltdown. It makes me reluctant to share it anymore. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about specifically identifying myself publicly as a virgin, but the older I get, the more it complicates my relationships with people. People who aren’t Christians don’t understand. But I wouldn’t expect them to..

Church folk, on the other hand,..well, they say they believe this is right. But let them find out you’re a virgin in his 30s and they act like something is wrong with you. They either act like you’re the guy from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” movie or you’re just a freak – like you can’t choose to not have sex. In their minds, only two options exist: You either have to be a lame or a misfit.

Virginity is, of course, a complicated issue. I understand that. But I know a few other Christian men who are virgins (older than I am), and they’ve stopped telling church folk altogether…

These days, I often let people think I’m a lothario, as that’s generally what they assume anyway because of my ease with women. The only people who know that I’m a virgin are the women I date –and even they don’t know right away.

And it’s all because of these crazy reactions…For a while, because women in the church were so averse to this news, I tried dating women who didn’t go to church…

I think of the girl who fell to her knees, naked, crying. “What’s wrong with you,” she said as the tears flowed. “Why won’t you $%*@ me?” Or the stripper who found that she was aroused by a “dominant virgin” fantasy when she found that out that she couldn’t punk me.

And then when I did date church women, the response wasn’t that much better…They said they agreed with me on this matter but attempted to tempt me by degrees: “We don’t have to do anything. Just take your pants off…”

I reflect upon these experiences: all the women I’ve loved, all the women I’ve tenderly kissed and all the women I’ve just “made out” with…And somehow, I wonder what it all means…What does it mean that these women have passed through my life? What does it mean that women have learned to equate their worth and sense of power with their ability to grant or deny sex?

At times, I feel very alone in this journey. Occasionally, I feel disappointed in GOD. I wanted to be married by now. I did not expect to be alienated by church folk for obeying what they taught me. And more than that, if GOD wanted me to preserve myself sexually, then why does sexual energy come so easily to me? Why do I love women’s bodies so much? Why do I know how to kiss a women’s neck, touch the small of her back or speak deeply into her ear in just the right way?

These things come naturally to me…All I can think is, because sex is such a driving force in my life, it means something to GOD that I’ve been able to sacrifice it to Him.

I love women’s bodies. I love how they look, how they feel pressed close to me and I really love the idea of sex.

But I love GOD more…

And yes, I’m tired of waiting…so what’s up with your homegirl?

Any thoughts?

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“Julie & Julia” – my first artist date in a while…

A Valentine Days card from Julia & Paul Child! How erotica and innocent at the same time! Who woulda thunk it?

A Valentine Day's card from Julia & Paul Child! How erotic and innocent at the same time! Who woulda thunk it?

Hello World!!!

So a few posts back, I lamented over the fact that I had writer’s block and couldn’t think of a thing to blog about. I also wrote about the fact that I have neglected one of the two basic tools that I learned about when I took a class on The Artist’s Way some years ago. The basic tool that I am referring to is the artist date. An artist date is a “block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist.” And as a rule, you must be alone with “your artist” on the date – that means no boyfriends, children, etc.  According to the principles of the “The Artist’s Way, ” a book written by Julia Cameron, you can actually “hear” solutions to problems that your inner artist may have considering…

So all of that to say, my artist and I (read Jackie by her lonesome) decided to see the movie “Julie & Julia” Saturday night. We LOVED it!!! This movie is about Julie Powell’s quest to discover herself as she approaches her thirtieth birthday (I cannot believe I will be 36 years old in a few weeks…GULP).  The frustrated writer, at the suggestion of her so supportive husband, decides to start blogging.  (Something sounds sooo familiar…) Unsure of what to blog about, she decides to blog about her quest to cook her way through Julia Child’s book “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.”  She decides she will cook all of the recipes in a year! A gutsy and innovative task to say the least!

There were so many aspects of the film that captured me. First of all, as someone who really enjoys eating, I was enthralled with that aspect of the movie…I think it is entirely possible to experience heaven in your mouth!  I also know what it’s like to feel frustrated as a writer. While I have wanted to be a “writer” since I was six years old, I still don’t feel quite successful…Yes, I have written for magazines, newspapers, Web sites, etc., but I have yet to achieve my ultimate dream of becoming a published book author. (Yes, I know I can self publish…I don’t wanna – read: whine, whine, rant, rant.) I was especially encouraged that Julia’s blogging eventually resulted in a book deal! (Oh God, please let happen to me…) But I was most captivated by the illumination of Julia Child’s marriage in the movie.

While Julie’s blogging provided the framework for the movie, the movie was also a biography of Julia Child’s life and went back and forth between the lives of the two women. The marriages of both women were explored in the movie, but Julia Child’s marriage was most surprising…I don’t think I ever tried to watch Julia Child on television but I do vaguely remember seeing her on television and seeing others imitate her as well. Remember when Cliff Huxtable imitated her on “The Cosby Show?” With her weird voice, box-shaped body, looming height and boring hairstyle, one would have guessed that she wasn’t married…Or at least I did.

But not only was she married, Julia and her husband Paul Child had a hot and sweaty love life…(Sidebar: Have I mentioned Meryl Streep yet? She is my favorite actress at this point! She literally becomes each character that she plays. Her depiction of Julia Child is brilliant.)  Apparently, the two married when she was in her mid ’30s…They lived in Paris for a while as her husband was stationed there as an employee of the U.S. Department of State. While in Paris, Julia attended the famous Le Cordon Bleu cooking school and subsequently decided to write a French cooking book in English. Her maddening struggle to write the book and find a publisher for the book also resonated with me.

By the end of the movie, my artist was very happy. From the movie, I learned that it is possible to get a book deal from a blog(oh pleazz, God!), one does not always have to be a frustrated writer, there is somebody out there for everyone even those that society may deem weird or unattractive and that I have no desire to cook an entree with more than 10 ingredients and or steps.

Finally, I bought yet another relationship book on Saturday night….(ugh!) According to this latest book, I am a latent commitment phobe – go figure…that does it! I have now bought my last relationship book….For some reason, over the past six years or so, I have become obsessed with relationship books…how to catch a man, keep a man, etc…I am so over it at this point.

Maybe if I get married, I will buy another one…but as a single woman, I am done with the relationship books. In fact, I told a friend last night that I may box them up and give them away. She said that she wants to look through them

As alluring as this book sounds, I will not be buying this book or any other relationship books anymore!

As alluring as this book sounds, I will not be buying this book or any other relationship books anymore!

first…Aaah, I may not be ready to box them up yet, but I won’t be buying them anymore. This reminds of the time that I gave away my calorie counting books in my ’20s. I finally surrended my weight to God back then, and I haven’t looked back…(And if you are wondering, I didn’t get fat!) Maybe this is what my latest declaration is about…I’ll let you know. 🙂

Any thoughts?

Julia Child making an omelette…I think I can handle it…DKW doesn’t think so… 🙂

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I’m Gonna Make You My Wife…

My Mom & Dad...

My Mom & Dad...

Hello World!!!

As of this Friday, August 14, my parents will have been married for 38 years!!! Congratulations to my dear ole Mom & Dad!!!

As the creator of this blog, I don’t mind sharing some personal details about myself but as a courtesy to my friends and family I don’t share much about them without their permission. However, I will say this: the stability of my parents’ long-term marriage has always been my safe haven. When the world has wronged me and I don’t know what to do, I go to my Mom & Dad’s house. They may not always know how to comfort me, but just their presence alone is like a balm for the weary soul. I thank God that He put my Mom & Dad together…

Sadly, from everything I’ve read and what I have witnessed around me, marriage is becoming a rarity in the black community. I think marriage is becoming more difficult for all races according to what I’ve read, but for today’s post, I will focus on marriage in the black community. In fact, this issue was highlighted on CNN’s “Black in America 2” which aired last month. Soledad O’Brien, the host of the program, interviewed Nisa Muhammad about her organization, the Wedded Bliss Foundation, which was created to save  and encourage black marriage. Some grim statistics were shared on the program. In 1963, married couples headed 60 percent of black families, but that number has dwindled to half.

O’Brien was able to follow one couple, James and Tina Barnes, who were considering divorce after 21 years of marriage. The couple enrolled in the foundation’s eight-week Basic Training for Couples and were able to address their issues and remain married. I was especially touched by the couple’s eldest daughter Jameeca, a college student, who admitted that her grades were being affected by her parents’ marital problems. I don’t know her but I would guess it was the lack of stability that affected her the most. From what I have witnessed, marriage offers stability to children that enables them to explore the world around them but still have a safe haven.

Former Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court Leah Ward Sears wrote a heartfelt column about her plight to end disposable marriage in the wake of her brother’s suicide. She felt her brother commited suicide due to the frustration he experienced in trying to parent his two children after a bitter divorce. Read an excerpt below.

Tommy’s loss has catapulted me even farther down a path I was already on. This may sound like heresy, but I believe the United States and a host of Western democracies are engaged in an unintended campaign to diminish the importance of marriage and fatherhood. By refusing to do everything we can to stem the rising rate of divorce and unwed childbearing, our country often isolates fathers (and sometimes mothers) from their children and their families.

…

Removing no-fault divorce as a legal option may not be the right way to move forward, and the solutions we need may not be entirely legal in nature. But answers must be found. The coupling and uncoupling we’ve become accustomed to undermines our democracy, destroys our families and devastates the lives of our children, who are not as resilient as we may wish to think. The one-parent norm, which is necessary and successful in many cases, nevertheless often creates a host of other problems, from poverty to crime, teen pregnancy and drug abuse.

Actor and writer Hill Harper (isn’t that a great name?) is also tackling the topic of black marriage in his latest book The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships which will be released next month. On his Web site, Harper states that 34 percent of black children are raised in two-parent households when that number was 85 percent in 1966. (Hmm, the stats cited on CNN’s program and in Harper’s book don’t seem to match, but the message is still clear.) Through his book, Harper hopes to address issues that may have contributed to this troubling statistic. I heard Harper talk about his book on a radio program earlier this week. I was tempted to switch the radio station until I heard Harper, who is single, admit that he may be a part of the problem.

Harper plans to host free town hall meetings throughout the country for people to discuss the issues that are presented in the book and is looking for corporate sponsors. As a result, he is asking people to pre-order his book so that he can prove to prospective sponsors that this issue is important to many.

If you are in the Atlanta area and are looking for tips on how to attract and keep a good man or woman, you may want to check out this event…

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Any thoughts?

P.S. I love this song by The Whispers…They don’t make them like this anymore…Maybe a part of the problem is popular music…Somehow songs like “Birthday Sex” don’t make me think about marriage and family…