Category Archives: Relationships

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We Are Single Because We Want To Be…

Hello World!!!

Aside from reading Charlayne Hunter-Gault’s memoir, I also carved some time out of my vacation to finally read Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. While I devoured the hit show when it was on HBO, and I now savor the reruns, I had never read the actual book that inspired the groundbreaking show before a few weeks ago.

In the Introduction, Bushnell said the book’s central theme is the answer to this question – Why Are We Still Single?  This is her answer – “Now, with a few years’ perspective on this issue, I can safely conclude that we are single because we want to be.”

Wow! Since reading that statement, I have been digesting what that means to me and my other still single girlfriends. Just before I read the book, maybe a few days before even, the church pianist came up to me after church one Sunday and said something like, “When are you getting married? I’m trying to hold on so I can play at your wedding.” A guy who was nearby said, “I’ve asked her out, but she won’t go out with me.” The church pianist then said, “Oh, she’d be married by now if she wanted to be.” And my dear old Dad has pointed out to me recently that I have made ambivalent statements about being shackled..er…hitched.

So what am I saying? Gather any group of 30ish women for more than 20 minutes and the conversation will eventually shift toward a discussion about relationships. My girlfriends and I are no different. Since we crossed the 30-year-old threshold, we have discussed relationships with a urgency that wasn’t present a decade earlier. It’s not that we define ourselves singularly by our romantic relationships, but having a rich and rewarding partnership with a significant other is important. A 40ish, single friend of mine said a lot of it is biological; she has assured me that if I reach my 40s without being married, that desire will not be as strong. To that I say maybe so, but I’m not there yet.

But even as we desire to floss that rock, bag a husband and retire to the burbs, I wonder if some of us are really ambivalent about the whole thing. To that end, I have compiled a list of 10 actions that may prove that you are secretly ambivalent about the husband hunt.  As they say, “actions do speak louder than words.” These are in no particular order. Also, I will not disclose the actions I have taken…hey you gotta keep something to yourself.

1. You live in the A. Some of my friends are seriously considering moving to another city because they believe that the wealth of women in the city prevent the menfolk from having class in dating in general or from having to make any real commitments. Asking a girl over to your home for a 1 a.m. drink is not anyone’s idea of a romantic first date. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there…

2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. If you met a dude in the club, it’s possible that you can get him to go to church with you. (Hey, I’ve been known to stumble in at daylight Sunday morning, nod off for a hours, and head back out to the mid-morning church service.) But if you make this a habit, this action says more about you than it does about the guy. Marinate on this for a minute…

3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. Hmm, I’ve come to believe that if someone tells who he is, you’d be smart to believe him.

4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. What’s up with that? Is it because there are no good guys around or are you somehow unavailable at a deeper level?

5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. The “thrill of the chase” really sucks…

6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to. “Something New” is a good movie about throwing your so-called requirements out the window and actually accepting what you need rather than what you think you want in a man.

7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Get a grip. Sometimes, YOU are the problem.

8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. I mean, chill.

9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. In my humble opinion, if you manage to be loving to all people whether it be the guy that keeps offering to wash your windshield at a downtown intersection to your backbiting co-worker, then I believe that you will attract love – romantic and otherwise.

10. You forget to pray. If you’re a Christian, this means that you have to have a dialogue with God about what His will is for your life. It may or may not include a husband. Them’s the breaks.

Hey, I’m no counselor or therapist, but I think I could be right here. What do you think?

Any thoughts?

P.S.  This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. You rationalize that he will eventually get a house, a car and a clue…Hey at 25, this is fun…at 35, not so much…:)

P.P.S. Guys please comment!!!

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I’s Married Now!!!

Hello World!!!

I’s married now…Just Kidding! But I got your attention, didn’t I? Since Shug Avery shouted those words in one of my all-time favorite movies, “The Color Purple,” I have been waiting to say them. Maybe I will have the opportunity one day to shout those words about me and my huzzband! But for today, that hasn’t happened…

But nevertheless, it gives me great pleasure to say that on Saturday, Oct. 18, I will have the pleasure, God willing, to watch one of my dear sorors and friend, Renee, and one of the luckiest men alive, Lincoln, be joined in holy matrimony. Marriage is, indeed, a gift from God, and I’m glad that my girl is finally ready to receive her gift!

It is with her permission that I dedicate today’s post to my friend and her upcoming wedding and marriage. I met Renee about 10 years ago….I cannot really remember exactly when I met her, but from the moment I saw her effervescent smile and heard her high-pitched, raucous laugh, I knew she would be my friend.  She is one of the few people that I know that “to know her is to love her,” and I know why Lincoln was immediately smitten with her when he met her at a speed dating event some years ago. (Yes ladies, it can happen anywhere…)        

I almost have never seen her without a smile on her face, and she is an attorney of all things! In fact, my father, who has noticed her natural agreeableness, said her joy is a gift from God, and I believe that is true. A friend once mentioned to me that she had seen Renee cry once. My eyes widened and my mouth fell open in amazement. Apparently it took a few minutes for my friend to actually notice she was crying though because even as she cried, she was smiling. Ain’t that somethin’?

I know Renee is getting married not dying, but I will miss her on the single girl jaunts to Old School Second Saturday, Agave, Omega (Gotta Love the Bruhs!) cookouts and anywhere we darn well pleased…Oh well…I wonder if she will still be available to ride out on our vacations. At one point, we had a crew of five that vacationed together. Now that number has dwindled down to two (at least as of Saturday)…the rest are married…I wonder if she will still send out frantic e-mails at the end of her workday asking folk to meet her for an after work drink or will she have to head immediately home to her huzzband….I wonder if I will be able to call her late at night or will that now be couple time…    

Okay, you’ve probably guessed it…I’m elated for Renee and Lincoln, but I’m a little sad for me…But thankfully, I’m mostly elated for them. In fact, I want to share a poem I once read in a wedding program that I think applies here.

Love One Another

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Khalil Gibran

 

Also, I wanted to insert a video of a love song I hope we get to dance to at their wedding reception – probably not, but that’s okay.  I know this is a song I hope to lip synch with my huzzband on our wedding night.  Of course, I will be Margie and he (where are you?) will be Ray Charles. I hope y’all enjoy it….

One time for Renee, Two times for Lincoln, Three Times for Renee & Lincoln. If you know the happy couple, feel free to wish them well here. If don’t know the couple but are a fan of black love, drop a line.

Any thoughts?

P.S. For the rors that will be in the house on Saturday, you may want to brush up on this song…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Like a pimp…

Hello World!!!

Bishop Thomas Weeks. Man, I can’t believe it. Just over a year ago, this man of the Lord beat down his ex-wife (Prophetess Juanita Bynum) in the parking lot of an Atlanta hotel but last week the bishop told the AJC newspaper that he is looking for love! Ain’t that just precious? But not only is the good bishop searching for love, he is chronicling his search for love on a reality show, “Who Will Be the Next Mrs. Weeks,” which will air on his Web site bishopweeks.com. The 10 streaming video “Web episodes” will air on Tuesdays at noon.

Apparently, he developed the idea after receiving numerous e-mails from his customers- ahem, excuse me – I mean followers, offering advice on the search for a THIRD wife. (I’ve been following this story since the whole debacle started last summer, and I never realized that he had been married before. But hey, that is what the AJC is reporting.) Through his show, the bishop wants to offer a Christian perspective on dating, and he plans to release a book on the subject “Finding Yourself While in Transition.” Yeahhh, that’s the ticket! Any woman that wants to audition to be his third wife may find herself in a head lock if she’s not careful.

Seriously though, domestic violence is no joke, and I just cannot imagine he is trivializing what occurred in his life just over a year ago and the subsequent divorce by putting himself on the reality TV circuit. I mean, has enough time passed for him to have properly dealt with his violent behavior against women? I have a friend who works with women who have experienced domestic violence, and after talking about the incident last summer, she pointed out that this probably wasn’t the first time that he got violent with her. And how could he already be over his ex-wife? I hate to say it. Actually I don’t. It seems to me that he is pimpin’ his pain! I’m not going to question his salvation, but has the Lord really led him to conduct his search this way or even be searching for a wife so soon! Wow, it’s just crazy!

And I was kind of disturbed when I heard that his ex-wife was going to be on “Divorce Court” discussing domestic violence earlier this year. I won’t get into that right now, but something about it screams self promotion, but hey, I don’t know for sure. However, you can check out the video below.

Any thoughts?