Category Archives: dating

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Blame It On Me aka Anatomy of a Breakup…

Hello World!!!

It’s still my birthday month! Yeah, my b-day was Labor Day this year, Sept. 7, and I’m still accepting gifts LOL 🙂 . 

But that is not the reason for this post….If you’ve read my blog over this past year (yes, it was ago Sept. 2 that I created this blog with the help of my friend Tess Gadwa), you know that one of my favorite topics to wax creatively on is relationships. But as I’ve known since the ninth grade, sometimes you just want out or sometimes someone else makes that decision for you. Yes, that’s right I’m talking about breaking up…It’s hard to do sometimes, but it’s a fact of life without question. I remember the first time I broke up or rather was forced to break up with someone. (As I write this, I wonder if I have shared this story before as I’ve been blogging for a year now.)

As a ninth grader, Imani, who was a grade ahead of me, was my first official boyfriend. He was great. He was smart and cute – a chocolate drop with wavy hair. And his wardrobe was the business. He used to wear the fresh jogging suits with the matching sneaks. And wonder of wonders, he liked me. He walked me to my classes. He bought me stuffed animals. He wrote love letters to me. He called me almost every night. (Now that I’m well into my ’30s – 36 no less 🙁 , I realize how unique he truly was…) I couldn’t date yet, but he was diggin’ me anyway for nearly three months until almost suddenly he wasn’t…And I was crushed…I couldn’t figure out how someone who was obviously into me just wasn’t anymore…aaah, such is life, such is life.

We had a fairly civil breakup in that we talked about it and then went on our way. That was very mature of us at the time…but sometimes the breakup is anything but mature…I admit I’ve been guilty of the immature breakup. In college, I, to my friends’ delight, coined the term the “slow diss.” Sometimes, I just didn’t have the courage to tell a guy I wasn’t into him anymore. So I slowly disengaged myself – getting off of the phone very quickly, not calling back, not accepting invitations for dates and on and on – until the relationship died by slow starvation…sad but true….Sounds mean, huh? But trust and believe, what goes around comes around and it has certainly been done to me…On one of my favorite shows (as you know by now) “Sex and the City,” Jack Berger broke up with Carrie by a Post-it!  on which he wrote, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” After such a stunt, of course he would be hated.

So what is the best way to breakup? Is it best to meet and discuss things face to face or does a simple or not so simple phone conversation suffice? Didn’t some athlete in New York recently break up with his fiancee by text…now, that’s bout it…and mean…And once the relationship is kaput, what’s the best way to get over somebody? I remember my best friend in the eighth grade told me the best way to get over a guy is to think of all the things you don’t like about him any ole way. Wise for her young age at the time for sure! That principle still works! A friend in college told me the best way to get over one guy is to get another aka the rebound dude. That can work too — although in my ’30s, I became fond of taking six-month breaks after dating a guy.

A friend of mine a few years ago gave me an invaluable article that I have often used to navigate my way through a breakup. “The Four Stages of Grief aka How Much Longer Until I Feel Good Again” is the best the article I’ve read on breaking up and getting over it! But another one of my favorite ways to get over a dude is listen to breakup songs. If it hasn’t been done before, somebody needs to make an album of the best breakup songs. Well, below is my soundtrack for breakups.

  1. “Blame It On Me” by Chrisette Michele – this has got to be the most popular breakup song this year…This young girl has obviously known heartbreak…it oozes out in this song…
  2. “Let It Flow” by Toni Braxton – once I started playing this song in college, I knew it was a wrap…I was done with you and you’d better be on your way…
  3. “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt – as much as I love to talk, sometimes there are no words we need to say except that “it is over…”
  4. “Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles – “Margie” in the movie Ray sang that song with all of the venom that a breakup sometimes involves…
  5. “Not Gon’ Cry” by Mary J. Blige – I’m glad that Mary is doing “Just Fine” nowadays, but she know she can tear up a breakup song…I was your lover and your secretary, and you still did me wrong…
  6. “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce – Trust, you ain’t the only one where that came from…
  7. “It Ain’t Me Babe” by Joaquin Phoenix & Reese Witherspoon – I know these actors recorded this song for the movie “Walk the Line” about Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, but they put their foot in this song. It is a classic “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup song…And it ain’t nothin’ like a country song to get you through…
  8. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor – I’ma be alright…I WILL SURVIVE!
  9. “Show Me Love” by Robin S. – Who is this chick? I don’t know, but whenever I hear this song, my arms immediately move over my head…I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhwere…sang it girl!
  10. “Call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu – This song really works when you’ve been dealing with a dude that is straight trife…Man, get outta my face…you ain never bought me nothin’ no way…

So what songs are on your breakup soundtrack?  How do you get over someone? What’s the worst way you’ve ever broken up with someone? Has it come back to haunt you?

Any thoughts?

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Your Turn: A Closeted Virgin Speaks Out…

Hello World!!!

Guess what y’all?! It’s my second installment of “Your Turn,” through which people with interesting insights and views post THEIR stories on my blog…I’ve had this post for over a month now and because of my busy schedule and good ole-fashioned procrastination, I neglected to get this post up…Sooo here goes…Calling all virgins out there? Can you hear me? Raise your hands if you are a virgin! I can’t see anybody of course as I’m sitting at my computer, but I imagine there are very few virgins out there past the age of 22 or so…And if you are a Christian and have been since you were a teenager, you are supposed to be one according to the Bible’s views on premarital sex…But as someone who grew up in the church and have known others who have grown up in the church, I know there are very few out there…

But I do know One…And on the condition of anonymity, I convinced him to share his views on being a virgin well into his adulthood…and for the record, he’s not an ogre…he’s actually quite handsome, but I will let him tell you all about it in his own words…

 She was a walking rap video, with proportions so ideal that they seemed surreal. A living and breathing fantasy, her slim waist, curvaceous hips and perfect planetary backside made me shake my head each time I looked her way…

“Concentrate on her eyes…,” I reminded myself as she lay beside me, attentively waiting for the announcement that I promised to make. “Uhhh,” I uttered as I cleared my throat.

“When…when I was 13 years old, that’s when I became a Christian…”

“Yes,” she said, interrupting my words.

“And…,” I continued. “Well, that’s when I made certain promises to GOD to not get high or drunk and to not have sex until I was married.”

She laughed. “I made those promises too…”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked her squarely in the eyes. “But I haven’t broken any of them.”

Silence.

“Wait, so you’re saying…Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

I was 30 years old then…I’ve had this conversation with so many women, both churchgoing and otherwise, and the reaction is always some kind of meltdown. It makes me reluctant to share it anymore. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about specifically identifying myself publicly as a virgin, but the older I get, the more it complicates my relationships with people. People who aren’t Christians don’t understand. But I wouldn’t expect them to..

Church folk, on the other hand,..well, they say they believe this is right. But let them find out you’re a virgin in his 30s and they act like something is wrong with you. They either act like you’re the guy from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” movie or you’re just a freak – like you can’t choose to not have sex. In their minds, only two options exist: You either have to be a lame or a misfit.

Virginity is, of course, a complicated issue. I understand that. But I know a few other Christian men who are virgins (older than I am), and they’ve stopped telling church folk altogether…

These days, I often let people think I’m a lothario, as that’s generally what they assume anyway because of my ease with women. The only people who know that I’m a virgin are the women I date –and even they don’t know right away.

And it’s all because of these crazy reactions…For a while, because women in the church were so averse to this news, I tried dating women who didn’t go to church…

I think of the girl who fell to her knees, naked, crying. “What’s wrong with you,” she said as the tears flowed. “Why won’t you $%*@ me?” Or the stripper who found that she was aroused by a “dominant virgin” fantasy when she found that out that she couldn’t punk me.

And then when I did date church women, the response wasn’t that much better…They said they agreed with me on this matter but attempted to tempt me by degrees: “We don’t have to do anything. Just take your pants off…”

I reflect upon these experiences: all the women I’ve loved, all the women I’ve tenderly kissed and all the women I’ve just “made out” with…And somehow, I wonder what it all means…What does it mean that these women have passed through my life? What does it mean that women have learned to equate their worth and sense of power with their ability to grant or deny sex?

At times, I feel very alone in this journey. Occasionally, I feel disappointed in GOD. I wanted to be married by now. I did not expect to be alienated by church folk for obeying what they taught me. And more than that, if GOD wanted me to preserve myself sexually, then why does sexual energy come so easily to me? Why do I love women’s bodies so much? Why do I know how to kiss a women’s neck, touch the small of her back or speak deeply into her ear in just the right way?

These things come naturally to me…All I can think is, because sex is such a driving force in my life, it means something to GOD that I’ve been able to sacrifice it to Him.

I love women’s bodies. I love how they look, how they feel pressed close to me and I really love the idea of sex.

But I love GOD more…

And yes, I’m tired of waiting…so what’s up with your homegirl?

Any thoughts?

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“Julie & Julia” – my first artist date in a while…

A Valentine Days card from Julia & Paul Child! How erotica and innocent at the same time! Who woulda thunk it?

A Valentine Day's card from Julia & Paul Child! How erotic and innocent at the same time! Who woulda thunk it?

Hello World!!!

So a few posts back, I lamented over the fact that I had writer’s block and couldn’t think of a thing to blog about. I also wrote about the fact that I have neglected one of the two basic tools that I learned about when I took a class on The Artist’s Way some years ago. The basic tool that I am referring to is the artist date. An artist date is a “block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist.” And as a rule, you must be alone with “your artist” on the date – that means no boyfriends, children, etc.  According to the principles of the “The Artist’s Way, ” a book written by Julia Cameron, you can actually “hear” solutions to problems that your inner artist may have considering…

So all of that to say, my artist and I (read Jackie by her lonesome) decided to see the movie “Julie & Julia” Saturday night. We LOVED it!!! This movie is about Julie Powell’s quest to discover herself as she approaches her thirtieth birthday (I cannot believe I will be 36 years old in a few weeks…GULP).  The frustrated writer, at the suggestion of her so supportive husband, decides to start blogging.  (Something sounds sooo familiar…) Unsure of what to blog about, she decides to blog about her quest to cook her way through Julia Child’s book “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.”  She decides she will cook all of the recipes in a year! A gutsy and innovative task to say the least!

There were so many aspects of the film that captured me. First of all, as someone who really enjoys eating, I was enthralled with that aspect of the movie…I think it is entirely possible to experience heaven in your mouth!  I also know what it’s like to feel frustrated as a writer. While I have wanted to be a “writer” since I was six years old, I still don’t feel quite successful…Yes, I have written for magazines, newspapers, Web sites, etc., but I have yet to achieve my ultimate dream of becoming a published book author. (Yes, I know I can self publish…I don’t wanna – read: whine, whine, rant, rant.) I was especially encouraged that Julia’s blogging eventually resulted in a book deal! (Oh God, please let happen to me…) But I was most captivated by the illumination of Julia Child’s marriage in the movie.

While Julie’s blogging provided the framework for the movie, the movie was also a biography of Julia Child’s life and went back and forth between the lives of the two women. The marriages of both women were explored in the movie, but Julia Child’s marriage was most surprising…I don’t think I ever tried to watch Julia Child on television but I do vaguely remember seeing her on television and seeing others imitate her as well. Remember when Cliff Huxtable imitated her on “The Cosby Show?” With her weird voice, box-shaped body, looming height and boring hairstyle, one would have guessed that she wasn’t married…Or at least I did.

But not only was she married, Julia and her husband Paul Child had a hot and sweaty love life…(Sidebar: Have I mentioned Meryl Streep yet? She is my favorite actress at this point! She literally becomes each character that she plays. Her depiction of Julia Child is brilliant.)  Apparently, the two married when she was in her mid ’30s…They lived in Paris for a while as her husband was stationed there as an employee of the U.S. Department of State. While in Paris, Julia attended the famous Le Cordon Bleu cooking school and subsequently decided to write a French cooking book in English. Her maddening struggle to write the book and find a publisher for the book also resonated with me.

By the end of the movie, my artist was very happy. From the movie, I learned that it is possible to get a book deal from a blog(oh pleazz, God!), one does not always have to be a frustrated writer, there is somebody out there for everyone even those that society may deem weird or unattractive and that I have no desire to cook an entree with more than 10 ingredients and or steps.

Finally, I bought yet another relationship book on Saturday night….(ugh!) According to this latest book, I am a latent commitment phobe – go figure…that does it! I have now bought my last relationship book….For some reason, over the past six years or so, I have become obsessed with relationship books…how to catch a man, keep a man, etc…I am so over it at this point.

Maybe if I get married, I will buy another one…but as a single woman, I am done with the relationship books. In fact, I told a friend last night that I may box them up and give them away. She said that she wants to look through them

As alluring as this book sounds, I will not be buying this book or any other relationship books anymore!

As alluring as this book sounds, I will not be buying this book or any other relationship books anymore!

first…Aaah, I may not be ready to box them up yet, but I won’t be buying them anymore. This reminds of the time that I gave away my calorie counting books in my ’20s. I finally surrended my weight to God back then, and I haven’t looked back…(And if you are wondering, I didn’t get fat!) Maybe this is what my latest declaration is about…I’ll let you know. 🙂

Any thoughts?

Julia Child making an omelette…I think I can handle it…DKW doesn’t think so… 🙂