Category Archives: dating

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A Love Supreme…

Hello World!!!

Although it’s Friday the 13th, I’m claiming that this day will be a beautiful prelude to the best Valentine’s Day ever…Can’t nobody love me like Jesus, but the love of a good man is what I am focusing on today… 🙂

I know this verse has been used on countless wedding programs, but I still love it so I will include it here…

His mouth is sweetness itself; 
he is altogether lovely. 
This is my lover, this my friend, 
O daughters of Jerusalem.

Song of Solomon 5:16

Here’s hoping all of us will indulge in a little sweetness tomorrow!!! Also, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I have decided to list my top 14 love songs…keep in mind that I’m pretty fickle, and this list changes pretty frequently…but this is what I’m feeling today in no particular order…

1. “Look What I’ve Got” by Betty Carter – I fell in love with this song when I first heard Carter sing it on an episode of “The Cosby Show.” Remember that episode when Vanessa and her girls wanted to form a singing group…Classic!

2. “I Like The Way (Kissing Game)” by Hi-Five – This song makes me think of 1991 when I was still in high school. Young love, young love…R.I.P. Tony Thompson! We love you!

3. “A Love Supreme” by John Coltrane – In the liner notes, Coltrane discusses his love for God, which is the true LOVE SUPREME, but I think the song is still a really cool romantic song…

4. “The Sweetest Thing” by Lauryn Hill – My girl may or may not be crazy, but she is still the dopest singer of my generation – hands down! I probably need to start praying for her again…

5. “I Like” by Guy- Nikki D. and I LOVE this song…It reminds of us of the day that we skipped high school and rode all through the A in a jeep with the top down…simple pleasures….good times, good times…

6. “Let It Flow” by Toni Braxton – Yeah, it’s a song about love gone bad, but we all know what Frankie Beverly has said is true…Joy and Pain are one in the same …

7. “Adore” by Prince – I know that Prince is out there, but he is still a sexy little man…Can’t nobody even compare…

8. “Scandalous” by Prince – This song is like butta baby…

9. “When 2 Are In Love” by Prince – Pure genius…

10.  “By Your Side” by Sade – When Samantha dances with that devil Richard on the roof of his penthouse as this song plays, I just melt…Oh yeah, I’m talking about one of my favorite shows ever, “Sex and the City.”

11. “At Last” by Etta James – Ms. Etta knows she was wrong for going off on Beyonce like that, but in a strange way, I understand…that’s her signature song…at least someone could have asked her first if she wanted to sing the song…

12. “A Sunday Kind of Love” by Etta James – People sleep on this song…This is what I want truly…someone I can go to church with and go home with and make it “do what it do…”

13. “A Song For You” by Donny Hathway – Although I love this song, somehow it always makes me a little sad for some reason…maybe because of Hathaway’s tragic and mysterious death…

14. “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley…Ain’t nothin’ like an island romance, and this song was on the soundtrack of my Island Romance ’97….

I have decided to include the video for “I Like The Way (Kissing Game)” by Hi-Five…It reminds me of when life was uncomplicated, and I need to remind myself of that today…Happy Valentine’s Day!

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He Just Was Not That Into Me…aka Nikki Giovanni likes me…so there…

Hello World!!!

Since Valentine’s Day is just a week away, I have decided the next two posts will be about dating, love, marriage – basically all things gushy and romantic…I love the idea of Valentine’s Day, but I’ve had very few that actually involved a significant other…oh well…

So since a movie version of one of my new favorite relationship books came out last night, I decided to also pay homage to the book – “He’s Just Not That Into You – The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. This book is a must have in decoding guy speak and behavior when it comes to dating!  A lot of it is common sense, but sometimes, when you’re dating, common sense seems to be the first thing that goes out the window…Here’s my favorite chapter from the book, He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You. So the book is written like a series of letters written by women asking for dating advice from Greg Behrendt.  One woman wrote,

Dear Greg,

You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with who (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally import and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any sh&*,  because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are telling these women to be so needy?

So here is Greg’s response:

Dear Nikki,

Good to hear from you again.  Well, not really. Listen Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.”  Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone  that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you- what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating.

Ouch! I think Greg (see how I call him Greg like he’s my personal friend or something 🙂 )mentioned in the book that if a guy doesn’t call you or contact you with cell phones and all the other communication tools that are available, he’s just not that into you. I mean unless you’re President Obama, men really can’t make the excuse that they’re too busy to call…And I’m sure that Barack calls Michelle every day when he’s out of town…she look like she ain’t havin’ it any other way…

Here are some of the other chapter titles: He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Asking You Out, He’s Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants To See You When He’s Drunk and He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared on You.

So in this post, I will give my own example of the chapter, He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared on You. This is how I remember it happening. The year was 1996, the year I graduated from college. The summer after graduation as a matter of fact. I was partying on a Friday, I think, with my girls at some club…the name escapes me right now. It used to be where Vision used to be in the A. I think some new condos are in the spot now though…I was looking good. My hair was in the infamous Halle Berry cut. I had on my cherry red lipstick. Why I ever wore red lipstick is beyond me. I was tight in the way that only someone in their early ’20s can be. And while I was trying to act cool and dance at the same time, I saw him. Lawdy, Lawdy, he was fine.  He was tall, bronze and muscled with curly hair. All my girls had to give me dap when we exchanged the digits.

So I think we hung out once before it all went down. I think he lived in the Little Five Points area, one of the most artsy and eclectic neighborhoods in the A. I think he was some sort of artist. Anyway, he had a forest green Eclipse. Do those cars still exist? And we rode around the area in his car. And I was feeling it all…Y’all know I was! Anyway, we had a few phone conversations and decided to meet one night at Yin Yang Cafe, which is now Apache Cafe, I guess. (The turnover of clubs in the A is kinda sad…) Anyway, so I showed up and he didn’t….And he didn’t call again…Hopefully, I didn’t call back again, but I probably called back at least once…hey you live, learn, develop a healthy self-esteem, etc.

So I was so mad that I wrote a poem about it. At the time, I fancied myself a budding poet and read some of my work at different poetry readings around town. It was a very short-lived phase of my life actually. So I wrote this this poem and here it goes.

Anger Is A Great Liberator – written in 1996

Ever wanted a man so much

you felt your breath lessen every time he opened his mouth.

Every single time, you dialed his digits,

no matter, how matter-of-fact he sounded,

you pushed reason in the back of your mind

to make room for thoughts of biceps, triceps, curls and whirls in his forest green Eclipse.

At the monitor, to-do list easily in sight, yet you didn’t

and on the way home from work, you shook yourself to loosen his image from your head.

Walking in the door, no red lights, so you cooked dinner,

itching to do it, how soon is too soon to call?

Budget gourmet thrown to the side, taking strides to the phone,

how did you get here, pick it up, please, don’t let the number of rings reveal

how bad you wanted to only hear his voice.

Smiling, later dancing, he asked you out

to meet him in the center of a dark, jazz-filled cafe that you hoped served gratification for dessert.

So you sat at the table, made beautiful by a fake flame, smiling vacantly at the band…

while tapping your feet and moving with the notes

knowing that soon you would hear real music

as his masculine footsteps made his way to you…

Ummm, still listening to the band, now accompanied by a box-headed man saying

Your lips are smiling, but your eyes are mad…but yeah, can I get that number?

No…turn your head, the sexy dread-headed man with the guitar sustains your smile

But your eyes blaze with the knowledge that one, look down, maybe two or three hours have

passed.

And the eclipse hadn’t happened..he didn’t come.

But Anger came, with her strong, fiery curvy self,

moving against a red dress, she held your hands first,

then began to loosen the chokehold around your neck

while repeating, “If I didn’t come, you wouldn’t be free.”

“Get up,” she said. “And straighten that dress.”

You stood up, looked down to smooth the wrinkles in your own booty tight dress.

When you looked up, she was gone, but you laughed and said, “I’ll remember.”

You twisted out of the club, only looking back to see whose eyes followed you.

Two by two, by two, maybe even enough to fill an ark

“Naw,” you laughed. “Y’all ain’t gonna pimp me like that.”

You said to all the eyes.

The artist is emancipated and so are you

You got in your car, and sped down I-85

Anger is a great liberator

Even reading my poem now is therapeutic…so a few months after writing that poem, I went to a book signing for the great poet, Nikki Giovanni. While she signed my copy of her book, “Love Poems”, I quietly asked if she would take a look at my poem and tell me her opinion of my work. I wrote my address on the poem in case she wanted to send her thoughts to me later. AND SHE DID!!!  On Feb. 12, 1997, she wrote

Dear Jacqueline Holness,

Wow!  Anger is a great liberator. Good work! Keep it up!

Yours In Poetry,

Nikki Giovanni

Can you believe it? I still can’t! How perfectly sweet and generous of her! So there Mr. I-Can’t-Even-Remember-Your-Name!  I’m glad you never showed up because your standing me up inspired me to write a poem that Nikki Giovanni said was good.

Any thoughts?

 

 

 

 

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We Are Single Because We Want To Be…

Hello World!!!

Aside from reading Charlayne Hunter-Gault’s memoir, I also carved some time out of my vacation to finally read Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. While I devoured the hit show when it was on HBO, and I now savor the reruns, I had never read the actual book that inspired the groundbreaking show before a few weeks ago.

In the Introduction, Bushnell said the book’s central theme is the answer to this question – Why Are We Still Single?  This is her answer – “Now, with a few years’ perspective on this issue, I can safely conclude that we are single because we want to be.”

Wow! Since reading that statement, I have been digesting what that means to me and my other still single girlfriends. Just before I read the book, maybe a few days before even, the church pianist came up to me after church one Sunday and said something like, “When are you getting married? I’m trying to hold on so I can play at your wedding.” A guy who was nearby said, “I’ve asked her out, but she won’t go out with me.” The church pianist then said, “Oh, she’d be married by now if she wanted to be.” And my dear old Dad has pointed out to me recently that I have made ambivalent statements about being shackled..er…hitched.

So what am I saying? Gather any group of 30ish women for more than 20 minutes and the conversation will eventually shift toward a discussion about relationships. My girlfriends and I are no different. Since we crossed the 30-year-old threshold, we have discussed relationships with a urgency that wasn’t present a decade earlier. It’s not that we define ourselves singularly by our romantic relationships, but having a rich and rewarding partnership with a significant other is important. A 40ish, single friend of mine said a lot of it is biological; she has assured me that if I reach my 40s without being married, that desire will not be as strong. To that I say maybe so, but I’m not there yet.

But even as we desire to floss that rock, bag a husband and retire to the burbs, I wonder if some of us are really ambivalent about the whole thing. To that end, I have compiled a list of 10 actions that may prove that you are secretly ambivalent about the husband hunt.  As they say, “actions do speak louder than words.” These are in no particular order. Also, I will not disclose the actions I have taken…hey you gotta keep something to yourself.

1. You live in the A. Some of my friends are seriously considering moving to another city because they believe that the wealth of women in the city prevent the menfolk from having class in dating in general or from having to make any real commitments. Asking a girl over to your home for a 1 a.m. drink is not anyone’s idea of a romantic first date. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there…

2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. If you met a dude in the club, it’s possible that you can get him to go to church with you. (Hey, I’ve been known to stumble in at daylight Sunday morning, nod off for a hours, and head back out to the mid-morning church service.) But if you make this a habit, this action says more about you than it does about the guy. Marinate on this for a minute…

3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. Hmm, I’ve come to believe that if someone tells who he is, you’d be smart to believe him.

4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. What’s up with that? Is it because there are no good guys around or are you somehow unavailable at a deeper level?

5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. The “thrill of the chase” really sucks…

6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to. “Something New” is a good movie about throwing your so-called requirements out the window and actually accepting what you need rather than what you think you want in a man.

7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Get a grip. Sometimes, YOU are the problem.

8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. I mean, chill.

9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. In my humble opinion, if you manage to be loving to all people whether it be the guy that keeps offering to wash your windshield at a downtown intersection to your backbiting co-worker, then I believe that you will attract love – romantic and otherwise.

10. You forget to pray. If you’re a Christian, this means that you have to have a dialogue with God about what His will is for your life. It may or may not include a husband. Them’s the breaks.

Hey, I’m no counselor or therapist, but I think I could be right here. What do you think?

Any thoughts?

P.S.  This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. You rationalize that he will eventually get a house, a car and a clue…Hey at 25, this is fun…at 35, not so much…:)

P.P.S. Guys please comment!!!