Category Archives: love and marriage

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#WhyIStayed…Don’t Judge Domestic Violence Survivors…

Hello World, rayjanay

As we all know, domestic violence, unfortunately, is not a new issue and has often sparked national conversation…Remember the Farah Fawcett movie “The Burning Bed?”…But with the Monday TMZ release of the video in which former Ravens running back Ray Rice punched his wife Janay (then fiancee), knocking her unconscious and to the floor of an elevator, domestic violence is once again the topic of a national conversation…as it should be…

For women like myself who, fortunately, have no experience with domestic abuse, it is hard to understand why women will marry an abusive man as Janay did AFTER the incident in the elevator and stay with an abusive husband…However, unlike in 1984, when that groundbreaking movie “The Burning Bed” was released, new platforms such as Twitter and Instagram give the opportunity for women across the nation and the world to speak about their experiences with domestic violence…

Janay spoke out yesterday about she is choosing to stay with Ray Rice on Instagram…

janay instagramAnd many women, in an effort to help people understand rather than judge, tweeted about whey they stayed using the hashtag #WhyIStayed….

Below are a few of the tweets that I read with this important hash tag…

Beverly Gooden, author of “Confessions of a Church Girl” and creator of the hashtag #WhyIStayed, spoke about why she stayed in an abusive marriage on ABC’s “Good Morning America” this morning…

And below is a video of the interview…


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So as we continue to have this important conversation, let’s support rather judge domestic violence survivors…

Any thoughts?

 

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7 Lessons Learned – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married’…

Hello World,  cross2

A year ago today, Robert and I said “I do” for better or for worse…and we have learned (and are learning y’all) lessons about each other and one another that you best believe is a testament to those vows we took…

Being married is like living with a two-way mirror. You see and learn things about yourself that you that you didn’t know before, and you see and learn things about your mate that you didn’t know before…Below are 7 lessons we have learned and are learning about each other and ourselves…for better or for worse…

1. I am a mass media/stimulation junkie – I have always been in love with mass media, but it wasn’t until I got married that I realized that not only do I love mass media, I also go to bed with it every night…Often I end up getting in bed before hubby does, and one of the things I like to do before bed is read…And not only one book…I’m talking about books and papers…And I have on the television. And I have on a night light. Drives hubby crazy. Every time he is ready for bed, I have to go through the ritual of clearing away all of my stuff from the bed, turning off the television, turning off the lights…I think when you’re single you find ways to not feel so alone when you live by yourself…Apparently, one of my favorite ways was to surround myself with books and papers and have the television and light going as well…

2. I cannot argue when I am sleepy – You must know that unless you are married to a robot, you and your hubby are bound to disagree and or argue from time to time…I know people say never go to bed angry, but I swear if I’m sleepy, I could really care less about arguing. I’m like let’s pick this up after I’ve slept for the night or at least had a nap!

3. My hubby is never really asleep- Funny that I’ve mostly posted about bedtime habits so far, but bedtime habits, I’ve found, are a big deal…Anywho, I can just look at my husband in the dark and he can wake up…I, on the other hand, can sleep through anything…

4. I like to be in charge – Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest of my parents’ three children or lived as single woman for years and years, but it has been so hard to learn that I don’t have to be or nor am I in charge of everything…In fact, right now, I’ve been thinking of how I can be a submissive (gasp) wife…Whenever I think of being submissive, I think of the woman that was supposed to be the wife of Prince Akeem in the movie “Coming to America.” One of the funniest moments in the movie was when he asked her what she liked. She bowed and then replied, “Whatever you like.” She was willing to obey him without question (He asked her to bar like a dog! ) and be more a servant instead of an equal partner…Can.do.it…Y’all pray for me..

5. My husband is very sensitive- I’ve always thought I was sensitive…I cry at movies. Even Publix holiday commercials do it for me sometimes…But I was wrong…My husband is so sensitive that usually doesn’t attend funerals because he doesn’t like to see people upset…It’s also the reason he is in the healthcare industry because likes to help people…My husband is so sensitive that I have to watch what I say or how I say it because he will be upset hours or sometimes days later about something I’ve said…Maybe it’s because I grew up with a feisty Jamaican mother who held nothing back, but to me hollering is as normal as drinking water…Once I’ve hollered something, I’ve gotten my feelings out and can move on…But I am learning (and not too well just yet) to not holler or come out my mouth with crazy stuff…

6. There will be a test. I’ve noticed that when people get married, something happens that first year that tests their commitment to one another. For some people, it’s the loss of a job and or a health challenge. We’ve had a test as well. I cannot share it all here but trust we’ve had one, and we are trying to get our answers right…But life is a series of tests anyway…

7. My husband is my ride or die…For all of the adjustments that we are making to live together happily ever after, it has been all worth it to learn that my hubby has my back…I can be insecure sometimes (okay, a lot) about my looks or my relationships with my girls, my dreams, etc., but my hubby is always on my side…And that’s not to say, he won’t check me when I’m dead wrong about something but ultimately, he demonstrates that he is on MY side…How I went through life before having this kind of support, I don’t know…

Any thoughts?

Note: This is the third in series of three posts I wrote about being married for a year as of TODAY 🙂 To read my first post, go to  “Couples’ Night – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married’”… and my second post was “Cooking & Cleaning Oh My! – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married.’”

 

 

 

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Cooking & Cleaning Oh My! – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married’…

Hello World,

How ironic that the morning I commence to write a post on the fine art of cooking and cleaning in a marriage, the pilot light of our stove goes off! And I was starting to make turkey stroganoff too…Guess we will be eating at my mama’s house or out for Sunday dinner…LOL…(I’m laughing on this post, but on the inside, I’m a bit worried as I’m a frugalista and like to keep money in my pocket…Oh well…things break…such is life…)

If you are reading this post, I’m reasonably sure you didn’t come here to read about me whining and moaning and groaning about a pilot light…but pardon me, if every few sentences or so, I whine a bit…LOL…So with that being said, on to today’s post…

As a single woman, cooking and cleaning weren’t a big deal…I either did or didn’t…Either way, no biggie. No one had to see my house but me, and if I didn’t feel like cooking, eating out was just as easy an option…Not so when a man is around who likes to eat meals that your mama would make…meals with large quantities of meat and side dishes and such…

So what’s a tried and true single girl who finds herself married supposed to do?…Well, nothing very quickly…And some of this may provoke the ire of my more feminist sisters, but even though I have some feminist beliefs, I don’t call myself one…But I decided to consult my recipe books and find recipes for meals that a man would eat…not the vegetarian or lite entrees that I whipped up for myself from time to time…I did try to make some of those dishes for him, but he either didn’t like them or complained that he was still hungry after eating them…LOL…

So slowly but surely, I’m getting more familiar with meat…I still don’t know how to cook a whole chicken, but since I’ve been married, I’ve made curry chicken, barbecue chicken, stroganoff, etc. with side dishes and more…I try to cook Sunday dinner every Sunday which is a big deal considering that although I bought my first home in my ’20s, I was at my mama’s house every Sunday for dinner until a year ago…In fact, for most of the three years that Robert and I dated, I brought a plate of food from my mama’s house to either my home if we were hanging together after church or over to his home.

And cooking during the week has been a challenge for me too…I work pretty hard every day. I have a job, and I have some freelance gigs plus I teach at a gym…plus I’m working on my second novel…So usually during the week when I got home during my single days, I would chill for a while and then get back up and work some more. Since I’ve been married, now I have to consider someone else too. And since men like to eat during the week too( 🙂 ), I had to figure out easy meals that I could put together and still have some chill time when I get home….

I’m still working that out but I have discovered these awesome grilled chicken breasts from Trader Joe’s. They are individually wrapped in plastic. You can just throw those suckers in boiling water and within minutes, they are cooked and juicy too! And Wal-Mart has these convenient bags of assorted frozen vegetables that cook very quickly and go very nicely with the chicken breasts. Within 15 minutes or so, I can feed the big lug 🙂 That is my go-to meal on weeknights…I’m still working on others…And I usually make a pot of soup or something very simple for me at the beginning of the week, and I can eat that for days…

Now on to cleaning…Now that I’m living with someone, I see without a doubt how truly messy I am…I can leave a piece of paper on the floor in the same spot for months…Robert teases me that although my office looks like papers have carpeted it, I know where are all of my papers are located…That’s funny but kind of sad…I’ve been praying to be neat or at least neater for years…I was raised by a very neat Jamaican mother that considers it her personal failure that I have not followed in her footsteps…when I left her home, I think I rebelled…I stopped folding clothes as soon as they came from the dryer, and I didn’t dust every Saturday and all of the things that I had to do when I lived with my mother and father…but now that I’m living with someone again, I see the benefit of having a tidy home…An associate once said to me, “Having a clean home makes you feel rich.” That is true…I love being in a neat person’s home…I cannot explain why…Lately, I have found myself holing up in my hubby’s closet to read because it is so neat in there…(Shhh, don’t tell him.) Hopefully, one day, God will work a miracle in my life, and I will automatically hang up clothes when I take them off and walk around with a sponge like my mom does…

Finally, some of this is what I was scared of years ago when I saw a lot of my friends, sorority sisters, classmates and more get married years ago…God knew what He was doing when He took his time in bringing the right man for me into my life…I wasn’t and didn’t want to be ready for all of this…I was selfish and wanted to keep it that way….But as has been said, God doesn’t called the equipped, He equips the called…He is equipping me to be a wife and all that it entails….

One year down (a week from today) and forever to go…

Any thoughts?

Note: This is the second in series of three posts I’m writing about being married for a year as of next Sunday 🙂 To read my first post, go to  Couples’ Night – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married’…