Posted on Sunday, July 27, 2014

Couples’ Night – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married’…

“In my heart, I will always be a single girl.”

Check the uncomfortable heels, the short skirt and the sassy pose – a single lady pic fo sho…I was on a cruise with other single ladies too..

This on point observation was offered by a married friend in my book club after she read one of my many, many, many single girl/lady blog posts a few years ago. I didn’t know quite what she meant at the time because I was not married, but now that I’m married, I do get it and I so agree…

Two weeks from today, I will have been married for a total of one year!!! Wow, my head is still spinning because I’m such a single lady in temperament, training and time lived on this earth. So in honor of my wedding anniversary, I have decided to devote three Sunday blog posts to going from a single lady to being a smug married. First of all, if you are unaware of the pop culture references I’m making when I say “single lady” and “smug married,” let me illuminate that for you. In many ways, Beyonce’s 2008 supa dupa hit song “Single Ladies: (Put a Ring on It)” captures one of the goals of many single women: getting a man to put a ring on it. “Smug Married” is a term from the wonderful 2001 movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary” in which Bridget, a true single lady, talks about her dislike of married people who see singlehood as a subservient state.

Now that I have defined those terms for you, let me get to the subject of today’s post: Couples’ Night. To date, I’ve been to three Couples’ Night/Excursions and each one makes me feel like I’m in elementary school. And I guess I am in elementary school of sorts. If being single was college, I would be Dr. Jackie and on a speaking tour. And if being married was college, I would be a kindergartener learning my colors and maybe my letters.

1. On my first Couples’ Night last September, three couples went to a club/restaurant type of establishment. I had been at a convention all day so I didn’t really feel like going out and if had been single, it would have been one of those nights that I would have stayed in. But since I’m now part of a team, I took one for the team literally and figuratively. I must confess, my look for the night was lackluster. I threw on some jeans, a cute but not slay-worthy top, some flats and headed out with the hubby. We ended up in Atlantic Station on the same weekend as the BET Hip Hop Awards. You already know. I felt like Mrs. Frump or President Obama in his mom jeans. And as I looked at the collective of us, we all looked pretty comfortable if you know what I mean or least suburban.

The club/restaurant was filled with young hotties whose skirts were short and heels were high. Lustrous hair flowing all the way to the floor it seemed was atop everyone’s head. And their makeup was shoot ready. In fact, I felt like I was an extra extra extra in a rap music video shoot except I didn’t make the cut. The next day on the way to church, I told my husband how I felt. He made some comment about how a 40-year-old woman shouldn’t look like they could star in a rap video and who wants that kind of woman anyway. I smiled with gratitude, but this is what I was thinking:

At this age, no, I don’t want to star in a rap music video, but I at least want to look like I could be asked…

Maybe it’s a stereotype, but coupled people tend to look comfortable. When a dude used to hit the gym a few times a week and be on the go, that same dude, once he gets married, starts finding excuses to not workout or stay at home because it’s less expensive. When a lady used to get hair done done on the regular and wear the latest, hottest outfits, that same lady, once she gets married, tries to hold out a little longer between hairdos to save some money and wears flat because heels hurt. My mom told me that my grandmother told her a few years after she got married that she needed to keep herself up so my father’s eyes wouldn’t stray. (TMI yes! But my mom heeded her advice.) The truth is: we all tend to get more comfortable, the older we get (single or married), but for some reason, being married seems to accelerate the process…

2. On our second Couples’ Night/Excursion, four couples traveled to Chateau Elan to celebrate Valentine’s Day or as some people say Single Awareness Day since Valentine’s Day is more of an event when you’re single. Even though it was meant to be a relaxing weekend, I must confess I was so nervous. Instead of spending just a few hours with couples, it was an overnight trip. As I said before, I have a doctorate degree in being single. When you’re single and traveling with your girls, there are various behaviors and or conversation topics that are acceptable. For example, if you want to go off by yourself and explore, that is perfectly acceptable on a single girl trip after all you are single. Or if you want to stay in one night and watch television, while not optimal, that’s cool too. And while we can talk about anything, inevitably, the conversation will shift to men and we compare notes, get updated, laugh about them, cry, swear them off, etc. But on a married couple trip, it seems like you must be grouped in two at all times. And no one really gets into the nitty gritty of their relationship because for the most part, what happens in a marriage stays in a marriage…It’s real pc and settled like….But I’ve only been on one couples trip so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about yet…

3. My third Couples’ Night was last Saturday. It was a game night. Every couple had to bring a game. I, in true single lady form, brought my “Sex and the City” trivia game. Hey, what can I say? It was a nice night. There was a personal chef who cooked Asian food that rivals if not beats the best Asian food I’ve ever had. It was in a home so there was pressure to BET rap music video worthy. It wasn’t an overnight trip so there was no pressure to figure out what to do or talk about for hours and hours. But then we played a marriage game in which couple had to guess the favorite video, food, etc. of their mate to get points. (We did something like this in premarital counseling.) It was the last game of the night, and I thought everything was going pretty smoothly until then. When you’re single, you’re expected to be an expert on nobody but yourself. But as a married person, not only do you have to know yourself, you have to be an expert on someone else. I don’t know about you but I’m still figuring out myself. It was only 10 years ago that figured out that I’m a commitment-phobe in most areas of my life and that was only because of counseling. So hubby and I got three out of six questions right. That would be 50 on a test. An “F” in other words…Hey, we’ve only been married for months…

Since I pray I will be married for many more years and or until death ( 🙂 ), I hope to experience many more Couples’ Nights and learn all the rules of this new fraternity of sorts that I have joined…

But as today, I still feel more like a “single lady” than a “smug married.”

Any thoughts?

Posted on Friday, February 14, 2014

Lovapalooza….The Good, The Bad and & The Ugly of Love on Valentine’s Day…

Hello World,

Happy Valentine’s Day to you! And hopefully, you ARE expecting a HAPPY Valentine’s Day…This is my first Valentine’s Day as a married lady so I am feeling grateful for the love that God sent to me…In fact, Valentine’s Day will forever be special to me for a few reasons…Yesterday marked the 4th anniversary of my first date with my hubby! (Monday was our six-month anniversary!) One the ways that I knew he was the one God had for me is how he pushed me to write my first book…Above is a pic of us at my book release party, and my first book After the Altar Call: The Sisters’ Guide to Developing a Personal Relationship With God came out on Feb. 14, 2012! So we have a lots of good to celebrate tonight!

But not everyone is expecting good today…Unfortunately, some are actually expecting bad…and if it’s very bad, it can get ugly…so to make this post interesting I’ve decided to share some of the good, bad and ugly stories I’ve heard about love this week…And I’m offering my prediction on whether the people in these stories can expect the good, the bad or the ugly today…

1. My current favorite talk show host Wendy Williams (my all-time favorite is Oprah) is hosting “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” tonight at 10/9c on the Investigation Discovery channel…I am obsessed with this channel…Maybe it’s the storyteller in me, but the juiciest stories are those that involve crime…LOL…I know…My husband doesn’t get it either…I predict these stories will be good although the people featured in the stories are likely expecting ugly today….Below is a preview video…

2. “Why I Don’t Love My Fiancee'” This is a blog post that I came across earlier this week. From the title, you would expect not-so-good, but it is very good actually. This is a sweet story of young (he’s only 21 years old) Michael J. Pittman and his 20-year-old fiance’ Amanda…They are getting married in approximately 130 days 🙂 I predict a good Valentine’s Day for him….

3. “Georgia sheriff cancels Valentine’s Day due to weather” If you live in Georgia or have access to the news stations, you know that this is the second time in just a couple of weeks that we have been snowed and iced in…..and this particular snowstorm/ice storm happened to fall on Valentine’s Day week so the Oconee County County Sheriff’s Office announced that Valentines Day has been CANCELLED from a line North of I-16 to the Georgia/Tennessee border. Sheriff Scott Berry posted on the department’s Facebook page. “Men who live in the designated ‘NO VALENTINE’S DAY ZONE’ are exempt from having to run out and buy lottery scratchers and Hershey bars from the corner stores until February 18, 2014, due to ice, snow, freezing rain.” LOL…This can good or bad depending on how you look at it…If the women in this area wanted Hershey bars, then that’s bad for them, but if they are looking to spend some quality time with their hubbies, that can be very good 🙂

4. “Black History Month: Black Love on ESSENCE Covers Through the Years” ESSENCE has compiled its most stunning black love covers they have featured since 1970…It was heartwarming to see some of the covers from right around the time I was born! Also, it was encouraging to see some of the couples who made the cover of the magazine and are still together today! And sadly, while some of these couples were beautiful together, they are no longer actually together today…It’s mixed bag of what these couples are expecting today, but hopefully the ones that are still together as of today are expecting good…Check out the pic of Oprah and Stedman in their early years together…black history indeed!

5. Usually, at any wedding, the bride is the focal point(sorry grooms)! And this wedding is no different but for an entirely unique reason altogether…Watch what Arianna Pfledere does as she walks down the aisle to meet her hubby-to-be Ryan…So sweet…I predict a good Valentine’s Day for this couple as this is their first V-Day as husband and wife…

6. “I just got engaged and immediately doubted my decision. Here’s why I still said ‘yes'” Another blog post about young love….Here are a few words from Mo Isom’s post. “But the fact of that matter is that as soon as the boyfriend I cherish became the fiancé I promise to cherish for the REST OF MY LIFE, my human nature began to doubt. And I began to realize how much my mind and heart had been crafted by the world, rather than the Word.” A great post about getting engaged at any age…I predict a good Valentine’s Day for them….

7. Season 3 of “Mary Mary,” the reality show featuring gospel duo of sisters Tina Campbell and Erica Campbell, returns on Thursday, Feb. 27 at 9|8c on WE tv. In this season, we will see Tina Campbell dealing with the fallout after discovering her husband Teddy has been unfaithful to her….”Whenever I’m on the road, I think about what my husband did to me. He was unfaithful to me while I was on the road. So I’ve got to wonder, ‘Since you got caught, are you faithful now? Do you really mean that you want to be a better man to me? Or are you still who you were?” Below is a preview video…Hopefully, as this show was likely filmed a while ago, Teddy and Tina Campbell will have a good Valentine’s Day…

Posted on Sunday, February 13, 2011

Soul Mates…even after Divorce?

Hello World,

It’s Valentine’s Day Eve, and since I don’t post typically post on Mondays (I post on Sunday and Wednesday), I have dedicated today’s blog post to one of my favorite topics (which you know if I you have read more than a month or so of my blog posts) – the pursuit of romantic love…

I first heard about this love story that I will feature in today’s post about a month or so ago at the annual Racial Reconciliation Service we have at our church commemorating the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday. Each year, my father and a worship service planning team invite a white minister to come to our church as a way of bridging white Christian churches to black Christian churches. Even if we work together all week, I still believe that Sunday mornings at churches all over America are still overwhelmingly segregated…

“Unfortunately, most of the major denominations still practice segregation in local churches, hospitals, schools, and other church institutions. It is appalling that the most segregated hour of Christian America is eleven o’clock on Sunday morning, the same hour when many are standing to sing: “In Christ There Is No East Nor West.'” ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story, 1958

And so this year, we had another white person, but instead of the usual white male minister with a booming voice and large stature, a tiny white lady with a sweet voice showed up. Betty T. Smith, a retired legal secretary, spoke with passion about her lay missionary trips that she had taken over the years to Peru, Mexico, Brazil, Zimbabwe, Russia, Siberia, Israel, Estonia, China, Uganda, Wales and New York City. Smith penned a book about her experiences “Around the World in Seventy Years: Finding Healing and Fulfillment in the Pursuit of God,” which was published in 2008. I was enthralled as she told stories of smuggling Bibles and God’s providential care as she risked her life to spread the gospel.

In passing, she mentioned that God taught her to forgive as she had to forgive her husband when he left her after 28 years of marriage all the while hoping that he would return to her. Since I am a journalist, I knew I had to get to the bottom of the story…So after she spoke, I walked up to this woman that I had never met before and asked her if her ex-husband ever returned to her…I figured if she did not want to share, she shouldn’t have said anything in the first place…(Yep, I’m nosy, and I get paid to be that way…) Instead of shrinking from my question which I anticipated, she told me that she could not tell me but the answer was in her book, “Nothing Wasted: When Evil Befalls You, Know That God Keeps You Standing.”

I thought I had her cornered, but as it turns out, she had me cornered. I had to get her book and find out the answer the hopeless romantic that I am…I read the entire book that day since I could not put it down until I got to the end! It starts off like the story of many Georgia girls of that time I imagine…Betty met Bob when she was still a student at the now defunct Hapeville High School, and he was attending the University of Georgia (Go Dawgs). She was a member of Hapeville Presbyterian Church, and he was a member of Hapeville Methodist Church. They spent many evenings at the infamous Fox Theatre downtown and enjoyed the greasy goodness of The Varsity. “In those days, no one gave cholesterol a second thought.” They married three years later on June 29, 1952.

They settled into a normal life attending Forest Park United Methodist Church where her husband was the treasurer. After Bob joined the Army, their lives changed, and they moved to several locations before finally settling again in Georgia – this time in College Park. By this time, Bob and Betty had three children Steve, Scott & Stacey. All was normal until 1978. After returning from a business trip, Bob confessed to Betty that he was having an affair with a mutual friend and that it had been going on for 10 years! And then he left…and this is where the story gets interesting…Now, with my temper and flair for the dramatic, I think I would have flung myself on the floor and cried for a while before hatching a plot to take him out…But that is not what Betty did…Betty prayed and asked God to forgive her husband through her!

“Forgiveness is not a one-step operation, it is a process, and I began by prostrating myself on my bedroom floor, crying out to the Lord to forgive Bob through me and to remove any bitterness. I felt His cleansing touch as I lay on that floor with my face in the carpet.”

During her time with the Lord, Betty also discerned God telling that her relationship and marriage with Bob would be restored. Wow, that’s a lot of faith….

In the months and years that allowed, God confirmed His word to her through many signs and wonders which are too many to detail here, but I will mention a few. Just after Bob left Betty, Betty read this book “Hinds Feet on High Places,” in which one of the characters in the book is afraid as she follows the Shepherd (Jesus) to high places. On her path, she discovers a yellow flower, and the name of the flower is “Acceptance-with-Joy.” From reading that book, she felt that God was challenging her to accept her circumstances and find a new life even as she expected her husband’s return…

But as any dyed-in-the-wool Christian knows, even when we know that we have heard God’s confirmation of victory in a difficult situation, we still have to endure until our change comes. And it is hard to believe when faith is the substance of things hoped for and not seen – yet at least…Her faith in God’s promise to her was especially challenged when Bob filed for divorce about two years later…Their divorce was final on Feb. 5, 1980, and he married the other woman on Valentine’s Day of that same year…I cannot imagine her heartbreak…She said that to shield her pain from her children, she often took “hour-showers” so that she could cry without them knowing…

Although Bob was no longer her husband, she claimed God as her husband according to various promises in Isaiah 54.

⁵ For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. ⁶ The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.

But Betty’s life did not end. She took her family on vacations. She hosted an exchange student from Sweden. She watched her children get married. She went on mission trips all over the world…

Twelve years after Bob married the other woman, they too divorced. Now you would think that Betty and Bob reunited then, but that is not case. And if not, you would think that Betty would have given up her hope of reconciliation at that point, but she did not. In 2001, she professed her love to him after a graduation ceremony in which Betty received a bachelor’s degree. That’s right, Betty received a bachelor’s degree when she was 67 years old and received a master’s degree two years later…All the while, she held on to her love for Bob, only going on very few dates in the many years after she and her husband divorced…It’s hard to believe that she continued to be faithful to a husband that was flagrantly unfaithful to her, but as they, God is able…

Aside from praying for her husband’s return, Betty also prayed for his salvation. After her marriage was over, she discovered that Bob’s faith in Jesus Christ was cursory and that he had only gone to church to please her. Years later, after their divorce, they started dating again, and he even invited her on a trip to Acapulco. But Betty refused to go…

“There was no mention of restoring our marriage, or any talk of forgiveness or commitment. It appeared to be an invitation to shack up, and it was offensive to me. I sadly declined his offer, answering that since he did not have Jesus in his heart, I could not go with him.”

And yet she still held on…You have to read the book to discover all of the wonderful ways that God reassured her of His promise to her…

In 2002, after years of praying, fasting and interceding for him, Bob declared that he did believe that Jesus Christ was his Lord and Savior, and Betty expected “Bob to knock on my door any minute, but he didn’t.” At this point, I wanted to yell, “Wake up Betty! This guy ain’t coming back. And if he does, why do you want him anyway?” But this is not my story to tell so I had to read on…

In 2008, Bob got sick…The family decided to place him in assisted living home, and Betty was there to help Bob get adjusted…On April 12, he revealed to her that he had never stopped loving her and asked for her forgiveness, and Betty confessed her love as well. But secretly within, she grappled with other emotions…

“I had waited thirty years to hear those words, but they came from a broken man, and I never wanted that. I wanted my strong, virile Bob to knock on my door, confess his undying love, sweep me off my feet, and then we would have many more years of wedded bliss. But we were running out of time.”

Bob died days later…After the funeral, Betty went to the cemetery to take fresh flowers to his grave. Mysteriously, one faded yellow rose lay on his grave.

“I took it home with me, for I recognized its name: Acceptance with Joy. My Lord retrieved for me one yellow rose as confirmation that He does not waste anything. He kept every promise and gave me a happy ending.”

Betty dedicated her book to Robert Lee Smith, “her soul mate.”

I must confess I don’t know if I would have held on to my love for someone who clearly rejected me over and over again as is detailed in the book, but I am inspired that the Lord led her on her path every step of the way. And He made sure to take care of her, making sure that not one of her experiences was a waste…Although romantic love was the centerpiece of this story, it is also story of God’s unfailing love…Happy Valentine’s Day to Roberts everywhere and to God, most importantly!

For more information about this book, go to BettyTerrySmith.com.

Any thoughts?

I know this song is thick on the melodrama, but I still love it, and it is appropriate for this post…

“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion…