Posted on Wednesday, November 26, 2014

7 Negative Things I’m Thankful For…

Hello World,

At this time of the year, it is appropos to compile the obligatory gratitude list…I’m thankful for my health, family, spouse, etc….Yes, all of those are definitely true, but according to God’s word we are to:

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:1

This means that God expects us to be thankful for even the negative things that He has allowed in our lives, but we have hope in all circumstances, negative and positive, because:

We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

So with those two verses in mind, I decided to turn my gratitude list on its head and praise God for what I originally thought was negative, but God it turned into positive…I’m going all the way back to childhood…Come with me 🙂

1. Not Being a Popular Kid and Bordering on Being Chubby For Most of My Childhood…I guess I’ve always been self-conscious which doesn’t work well on the playground…If someone asks you to play with him or her on the playground, and you rehearse your answer before you reply…You will probably not be the most popular kid…You will be probably be among the weirdo kids…Or if you would rather watch the Brady Bunch [insert whatever show is popular now] with a snack instead of go outside and play kickball, you will probably be among the chubby kids…But not being the most popular, kinda chubby kid made me develop my inner qualities like compassion and kindness because I was sometimes treated without compassion and kindness…AND now that I’m adult, I have no illusion that I can just sit around and preserve my sexy…Good thing to know when you’re over 40…I have to eat right and work out…no excuses…God knows best…

2. Getting Into the Honors Program at Howard University, But Not Receiving Any Scholarship Money…Like many of my friends who spent our high school years watching a “Different World” or attending Atlanta Football Classic games, I just knew I would be attending an HBCU (historically black college or university)! My chosen HBCU was Howard University in our nation’s capital. I had visited Washington D.C. when I was in the seventh grade, and I vowed I would return there as a college student…But it wasn’t meant to be…Although I got into Howard University and the school’s Honors Program, I didn’t receive any scholarship money…It only made sense that at point to go to the school where I had three scholarships…The University of Georgia…a dreaded HWCU…LOL…To my surprise, I had a blast in college, pledged the most wonderful sorority (Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc.) in the world and got a great journalism education without worrying about being hampered by the debt I would have surely incurred had I gone to my “dream school.” God knows best…

3. Becoming a Christian, and Then Losing My Friends…When I decided to give my life to Jesus Christ and no longer depend on the fact that my father, my uncles and grandfather were pastors, I expected my life to get better…After all, if I know God, the creator of the universe, how could anything go wrong? We cool like that…I was wrong…so very wrong..Many of my friends didn’t understand why I spent more time than the obligatory Sunday morning in church or chose not to go to certain places…I cried and I cried I felt so alone…But it was during those moments that God got me alone that I got to know Him…Many of those friendships have been restored as time has passed…but I still know how to depend on God alone because of that time…God knows best…

4. Losing My Job Right After I Bought My First Home…I must admit I was frantic when I lost my job at a newspaper months after buying my first home…Up until that time, I had been living with my parents and while I paid for my own bills like for my car, clothes, etc., my parents didn’t force me to pay rent or anything although I was a college graduate…All of a sudden, I had to pay more bills with less money…During that year or so, I was depressed…I ignored some bills…I took some jobs beneath my education just to get by…But I also had time to explore my creativity like taking a class on “The Artist’s Way” and seeing a career counselor…And when it was all over, I learned that God was my resource not that job…I learned that I didn’t even want a traditional newspaper job anymore…God knows best…

5. Wanting to Get Married at 30 Years Old, Only to Get Married a Month Short of my 40th Birthday…My mom got married when she was 30 years old…Why would my life be any different? Well, chile, what I did I know? As it turns out, nothing at 30 years old…I had to date some good ones, some bad ones, some crazy ones, etc. before I was finally ready for the man God had for me…Those 10 years were heartbreaking, but they were also precious…a gift of human experiences…I wouldn’t want to go through them again, but I learned so many things about myself and other people that only be taught in the classroom of life…Plus, those years fueled my writing life like nothing else…As any writer knows, pain is the best inspiration…God knows best…

6. Taking Seven Years to Get a Book Deal…In 2002, I had an idea to write a memoir about developing a personal relationship with God, and in 2003, I began trying to get a publisher for my book…It wasn’t until 2010 that I got a book deal…Yes, seven years after I started…But it took all of that time to show me the book needed to include other women and not just me…When I became a Christian, I searched bookstores looking for Christian life books written by black women…I found one or two here or there, but I knew there needed to be more…Once I got some Christian living under my belt, I wanted to write one for a black Christian woman who, like me, wanted to know how other black Christian women walked out their faith…What I learned by being rejected over and over again was that I needed more experiences than just mine…My book includes the testimonies of 24 women in ONE book…This is so the book I wanted for myself years ago…God knows best…

7. Taking Seven Years To Get a Book Deal…Yes, I know already wrote that…But I have more to share on this topic…In 2007, my dream publisher (I still walk around with the business card of the acquisitions editor of this company.) at the time was interested in my original memoir, but my book was ultimately rejected because I didn’t have a platform….I.Almost.Died…At least it felt like I was nearing death because I got so close to realizing my dream only to wake up to the cruel reality of life for an unpublished author…But I didn’t let that rejection stop me…I got busy on developing my platform…This blog was birthed as a result of that rejection…This blog has become a way that I connect to others across the nation and the world…a place to dream…a place to vent…an online history…I love it so…And it is one of the reasons that I got a book deal as I met former “The View” co-host Sherri Shepherd, one of the women featured in book, because of this blog…

So what “negative” things are you thankful for today? Happy Thanksgiving 🙂

Any thoughts?

Posted on Sunday, November 16, 2014

Submission & Stove Buying…A Newlywed Story…

Hello World,

My all-time favorite TV newlyweds…Dwayne Wayne and Whitley Gilbert Wayne from “A Different World”

I wonder how long you are a technically a newlywed…According to Psychology Today, two years is the maximum to be considered a newlywed…That’s good because although Robert and I have been married over a year now, I’m experiencing new things all the time with him and have no idea how to navigate the newness…

One area that I am ever considering is the dreaded s-word…If you are a Christian wife, you already know…I am referring to SUBMISSION (yes Jesus…the word that scares me more than a Stephen King movie…And the only reason I can sleep in complete darkness now is because I have someone sleeping with me…so I’m a scary person by nature…) Ever since my pastor, who you know is my father if you have read my blog posts for any amount of time, preached on submission this summer, I have been wondering just what it means in my marriage or any marriage…

After I got over the weirdness of thinking my father preached that sermon directly to me (since he knows firsthand that no one but God is the boss of me), I started considering just what it means to be a submitted wife…I’m still not sure, so I kinda moved on in my head…(read: relegated it to the recesses of my mind) but when I saw a FB post by FB friend and fellow author Demetria Lucas D’Oyley, also a newlywed, I began thinking about S-word again in earnest…Basically, she said was wondering about the term and noted that it was a concept that rarely came up as she consulted with various married couples leading up to when she got married and that submission seems to be only a Christian concept…She got 146 responses from that singular post…I even commented a few times…

I made a few a definitive statements probably leading people to believe that submission makes me feel like this…

But the rest-my-hand-on-the-Bible truth is that submission makes me feel like this…

I want to speak in tongues and run all up and down the church aisle because seeking guidance from God because I just don’t know what to do ~~sometimes..~~.

Case in point…Yesterday hubby and I went to stove shopping…We agreed on a budget…That part went smoothly…But the rest of it…not entirely smooth…

First point of contention…Hubby and I have known for several months that we needed a new stove so because hubby is always excited about buying new gadgets even domestic ones, he researched various stoves that he thought would be a good months ago….Me, ever the procrastinator, didn’t start researching until yesterday…that’s right the day we had designated to shop…

Second point of contention…When I did started my research, I started with Clark Howard…He represents all things good when it comes to lovable geekdom and saving more and spending less…He recommends that you should NEVER buy an extended warranty on appliances because they are basically useless as most appliances are pretty reliable nowadays…Hubby disagreed with Clark…

Third point of contention…The bells and whistles…Hubby has duly noted that I…and I hesitate to admit this…am not a domestic goddess…Cleaning anything (except my body) is usually not my first thought…Should we pay for additional bells and whistles like self-cleaning and what not? Hubby said yes…Me…see above…I’m all about that saving more and spending less even if means that I only clean the stove if I think someone will see it…

By now, you are probably wondering did hubby have his way or did I? I won’t share all of my business here but I’m happy to say we are the proud owners of a brand new stove…the first time I’ve ever bought a major appliance even…

But this morning, I’m wondering what was the submissive thing to do in this situation?…

If you are unfamiliar with the term submission, below is how it is mentioned in the Bible…

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24

Below are a few stories, interviews and blog posts I have found about submission that I plan to read and think about…

“What’s So Scary About Submission: Six Secrets About What the Bible Really Teaches?” by Kevin Miller on todayschristianwoman.com
“5 Christian Men Talk Candidly About ‘Distasteful’ Women, Submissive Wives and Why Sex Is So Important” by Nicola Menzie on christianpost.com
“The Top 10 Things That Submission Is Not” on warriorwives.net
“7 Misconceptions About Submission” by Mary Kassian on girlsgonewise.com
“Liberated Through Submission With Bunny Wilson” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss on reviveourhearts.com

So how do you define submission, and what has it meant in your marriage? Does submission only work for Christian couples?

Any thoughts?

Posted on Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Can the Black Church Cheat Black Women Out of Marriage & Kids…

Hello World,

If the election results in your state didn’t go quite the way you voted, shake it off today…God’s mercies are new every morning…Stay engaged, but more importantly stay prayed up…Okay, off of my political soapbox and on to the issue of the day on this here blog…

This week I have happened upon three articles about black relationships that have caused me once again to lament the messages that are being disseminated about the state of black on black love…

On Sunday, I read this article “No Scrubs? The Dilemma of Modern African-American Women” by New York Post reporter David Kaufman….According to this misguided writer, the choice of Rachel Noerdlinger, chief of staff for City of New York First Lady Chirlane McCray, to be with ex-con boyfriend Hassaun McFarlan is proof that black women have nobody to date and must date ex-cons if they hope to be with black men at all…and that the only choice for black women at this point is to boo up with white wen…I know Rachel Noerdlinger assists the wife of an elected official, but who elected her Black Women’s Dating President…I am reasonably sure this is not a title she even wants…Obviously this woman likes a “bad boy” for whatever reason…She is not the first one and she won’t be the last one to like a rough neck…and that goes for women of all races…

A day later, I see this – “Well-Traveled, Intelligent Black Man, 34, Seeks ‘Sista’ OK With Him Making Less Money” on theroot.com…Jermaine Terrell Star says the sistas ain’t checkin’ for him because although he “spent all of [his] 20s traveling around Eastern Europe—mainly through Peace Corps, Fulbright and language study-abroad programs—and earning degrees,” he wasn’t making moves on the career front, relegating him to a lower salary when he finally did enter the working world…making him not the optimum choice for black women who entered the working world when they were in their ’20s and have the salaries to prove it…

So which is it? Are black women forced to choose from ex-cons or not willing to date black men who don’t quite measure up financially? I just don’t think both can be true…

Now on to the article that made me have to gone head and whip up this blog post…“How the ‘Black Church’ Cheated this Woman Out of the Possibility of Marriage With Kids…” Raina T. Shaw on beyondblackwhite.com said that while she was yet holdin’ on for a black man in the church since she was 19 years old (praying, tithing, believing and serving/volunteering in the church), — the saved and sanctified men eventually passed her up for “someone that wasn’t even in church. Usually, it was somebody that they fornicated with and got sexually turned out. After that they didn’t care if the woman was “saved” or not. He was going to make a convert out of this freak of the week with three kids! The men talked holiness, chastity and celibacy but wanted the same thing that other non-Christian men wanted after all. The church girls got tricked and are tricked on a continuous basis to this day.”

Then she went on to say that the black church encourages black women “to settle for under achievers, ex-cons, drug addicts, men on the downlow that are fighting the feeling, men with many divorces and children, under and unemployed but they get a pass from the saints because they know all of the scriptures.”

Finally, she broke it all the way down and said she does not regret “passing on marrying and having children with dysfunctional, unmarriageable men but, I am absolutely sure that had I not limited my dating pool to so called ‘saved,’ “Christian” men in the black church and black men in general, I would now be a wife and mother.” Oh yeah, she is also looking forward to “tak[eing] up with a non-black gentleman that recognizes and appreciates a black queen like myself when he encounters one.”

You may also want to check out similar commentary on “Honest Question: What Do Folks Expect Quality Black Women to Do? Shrivel Up and Die?” which is about Jacque Reid’s quest to find a quality man…

Now, let me be clear…I’m not against interracial relationships…wherever you find love or love finds you is beautiful… but I am against black women being cast as desperate and without options and black men being cast an ex-cons or not marriage material altogether…What say you?

Any thoughts?