Category Archives: Relationships

Posted on

Two Steps Forward…One Step Back.

Hello World!!!

A friend of mine told me last night that he noticed I hadn’t been updating my blog as much as I usually do. I was so touched. Someone missed me…I hope you’ve missed me too! I haven’t been updating as much as I should this month…maybe more about that later 🙂

So here’s the topic – What is your secret struggle? What is the area of your life in which you take two steps forward only to take one step back? For the divine Ms. O, Oprah Winfrey that is, her weight is her not-so-secret struggle although she wishes it were a secret!  She recently admitted that she has gained 40 pounds since 2006 which puts her weight at a solid 200 pounds. On the January issue of “O” magazine, it features a picture of the 200-pound Oprah looking at the 160-pound Oprah! I really, really, really feel for her!

I have never been obese, but I have struggled with body image issues pretty much since I realized I had a body! I apologize to those who knew me from age 20-25, my favorite question to ask was, “Do you think I look fat?” I swear if I could retrieve the brain cells I devoted to my weight, I would probably have enough to have won the Pulitzer Prize by now! Thank God I now I have a reasonably stable body image, and I no longer feel the need to weigh myself several times a day!!! How did I get rid of this demon? God..and like Forest Gump says, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

So again, what is your secret struggle? I love the story about the  woman at the well in the Bible!  It seems that she was a love and relationship addict! (Theologians, you will correct me if I’m wrong, I’m sure!)  When she met Jesus, she had already had FIVE husbands, and the man she was living with at the time she met the Lord wasn’t even her husband!  She thought her issues were a secret, but the Lord called her out! That day, that woman thought she was coming to the well to get regular old water, but instead, her thirst for real love was quenched that day…Praise Jesus!!!

I think Zacchaeus had a Napolean complex.  As a result, he had chosen a career in which he dominated people, but secretly, he longed to have self esteem that was based on his inner worth rather than his job. And Jesus, being the Lord that He is, got it.  He told him he was worthy of salvation! Praise Him 2x!

I think the man with one talent had the insidious habit of comparing himself to others. It seems to me that he constantly compared himself to the man who had five talents and the man who had two talents. Rather than get into the comparison game, these two men worked hard with what they had and were able to double their talents. The man with one talent, however, seemed to be ashamed of his one talent and hit it in the ground. Unlike the other stories, however, this story didn’t end well. The one talent the man had was taken away from him and given to the man who had 10 talents because he failed to use it.  Sad, huh!  (My father’s antidote to this behavior is, “Keep your eyes on your own plate!” But Praise God 3x anyway just because HE is WORTHY!

So again, what is your secret struggle? And how do you deal with it? Please post your comments!!! You don’t have to post your name!!!

Any Thoughts???

(Aside: If you’re in the Denver, Colorado area, check out my friend, Soul Daddy!  His album release party is tomorrow!!! Congratulations!!! You go boy!!! 🙂 )

P.P.S. I have included a Rev. Paul Jones classic, “I Won’t Complain.”  It doesn’t fit this post, but for some reason the song is on my mind this morning. According to what I read, this amazing talent was killed when he was 30 years old!

Posted on

Love Actually…

Hello World!!!

I have missed you sooo much! I’ve been working on a freelance assignment that has been sucking all of my creative juice and left me little time to wax whimsical on this blog. But this morning, I have put my foot down. I must write. You need for me to write…not hardly, I know. I need for me to write….

Anywho, if you haven’t noticed (I’m sure that you have.), it is now “the most wonderful time of the year” also known as the Christmas season. It is the season that everyone races each other in the malls to see who can get the biggest and brightest baubles and assemble them under the Christmas tree. It is the season in which families strive to put grudges aside to have that perfect Christmas. It is the season in which you are likely to hear the strains of Christmas music everywhere you go whether you want to or not. It is the season that new couples fall into like, lust or love. It is the season that old couples rekindle old flames. It is the seasons of really good Christmas plays and really awful ones. It is the season in which we are celebrate the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ!

I love Christmas! I really do, but if you’re anything like me, you can get lost in the festivity and by the time January rolls around, you wonder if you’ve even remembered much less pondered the real “reason for the season.” Being the romantic that I am, my mind always drifts to love during this season. I would like to say that I am thinking about the love of Jesus, but the Lord knows my heart…I am typically thinking of the love between a man and woman and how nice it would be to experience all of the sights and sounds of Christmas with my boo.

I remember one Christmas in my ’20s, I was dating this creative type. (I won’t tell what type of creativity he dabbles in lest those who know me guess the identity of this man.) Actually, we had just started dating that November to our surprise. (We were friends and happened to fall onto each other’s lips one night!) Anyway, it was all turning out beautifully. He escorted me to my company Christmas party without me having to twist his arm. We drove all around Atlanta going to malls and looking at stuff. Neither of us had very much money then so a lot of our dates consisted of window shopping.

We weren’t actually going to see each other on Christmas day as my family typically travels to see family. But I asked him to come over just before we left because I wanted to give him a gift. I wasn’t sure if he had gotten me anything, but I hoped he had. Since we had just started dating a month earlier, I wasn’t sure what to get him. If I got him something fairly expensive, he might think that I was into him too much. And if I didn’t get him something fairly nice, he might think that I didn’t care very much about him at all. I think I got him a couple of gifts. One of them was a skull cap. I used to date hip hop guys back then so it fit into his wardrobe. It was personal without being too personal, I figured. I could hardly wait to see his gift for me and figure out what it meant.

Within the first chime of the doorbell, I opened the door to let my creative type in. After exchanging a few pleasantries, we exchanged gifts. And we opened them in front of each other. He really liked my gift. His gift to me, however, left me unable to speak for a minute. He got me the “The Best of Donny Hathaway” tape. He instructed me to listen specifically to  “A Song for You.” His gift had trumped mine as far as meaning and intention. Just in the few months I had known him, I knew that that Donny Hathaway was one of his favorite, if not all time favorite, singers. As soon as he left, I listened to the song in my Walkman. Here are a few lines from the song.

I love you in a place where there’s no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Y’all know I was so gone, right?  I knew he wasn’t saying that he loved me or anything, but I knew he could go there. To this day, it was the best gift I’ve ever received from a guy! (Shoot, maybe I need to go back to creative types!)

But I know that romantic love isn’t the reason for the season although it’s a wonderful time to be in love. The reason for the season as well know is Jesus! This verse gets me in the proper Christmas mood!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

I suspect that that being in a long-term romantic love relationship is similar to having a lifelong relationship with the Father. You have to find new ways to jazz it up or it gets boring and stale. Here’s the truth of the matter. I’ve been in and witnessed countless Christmas plays. The whole Nativity scene…just doesn’t do it for me really. (Please don’t throw rocks at me!)  A few years back, I decided that instead of focusing on God’s gift to all of us, Jesus, I would focus on giving gifts back to Him. I decided that I would give Him three gifts – one for the Father, one for the Son and one for the Holy Spirit. Of course, I cannot physically hand gifts to the Father, but I do come up with ways to show that I care for Him and others. I won’t tell you exactly how lest I be guilty of Matthew 6:1-4. I don’t do this every Christmas, but when I have, I feel an overwhelming love in my chest that even trumps romantic love. I wonder if it is an inkling of what the Father feels for us…

I doubt I will experience romantic love this Christmas. Some would say this is a choice I’ve made, but I won’t get into that here.  🙂 But I do plan to experience love this Christmas – the love that you feel when you focus on giving rather than receiving.

To borrow a line from my favorite Christmas move, “Love Actually,” “if you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

I so love Christmas!

Any Thoughts?

P.S. A friend of mine recently told me that Christmas songs after 1985 are no good. That may be generally true, but I love this one! And it came out in 1994! Thanks MC!

Posted on

Lead By Example – Black Men Represent, Represent!

Hello World!!!

I love me some black men! I will say it again: I love me some black men! Now before you think this is a post about dating, let me stop you right now! No, it isn’t. However, the subject of love and relationships may enter this post. But as much as I love the brothers, I feel like SOME of the brothers could do better in a few areas. Read on before you get mad. 🙂

I, like many other black Americans, am still grappling with the fact that the president-elect of the United States of America is a black man. (Yes, I know that he is officially biracial as many would like to note, but y’all know the deal…) And so, there must be a legion of lessons to glean from this most incredible moment in history.

What comes to mind at this moment is how President-Elect Barack Obama’s background mirrors the stories of many in the black community and he has still managed to make it to the highest office in the land. First of all, he is the product of a single parent household. I cannot vouch for other areas of the U.S., but in the A, many, if not most, of the black men I come across are the product of single parent households. Though my father is Jamaican, he is also the product of a single parent household. And by single parent, I’m talking about a single mother. At various forums and in personal conversations, I have heard and believe that growing up without your father, particularly for men, can really impede a person’s progress in a variety of areas. But with Barack’s example, I hope that black men who suffer from this deficit realize that they, too, can rise above their personal history and “jump at de sun.”

With Barack as an example, I hope that black men start to realize that marriage isn’t the kiss of death. According to a very vocal and dear friend of mine, she thinks there is some sort of disconnect when it comes to black men and marriage. She constantly tells me that in working in her profession, she has noticed that marriage for white men is like a rite of passage starting anywhere from age 25 or so and up. It’s just understood that an average white man will get married, and marriage is probably a rung on the ladder of success for him. For black men, she noted, marriage is like a hit or miss endeavor in which an average black woman has to engage in a game of “catch me if you can.”  Well black men, take a look at Barack, having Michelle at his side has definitely been an asset – don’t you agree?

And while we’re on the subject of our First Lady-Elect, Michelle Obama, I want to point out a gripe I’ve heard from black men. I was told very recently by a black man that part of the reason that black men sometimes don’t want to get married in the same way that white men get married is that black women tend to be unwilling to submit in a marriage whereas white women are more compliant. Umm, I don’t know for sure obviously, but I don’t think that Mrs. Obama is waiting for husband to get home so that she can say “whatever you like” like that woman in the movie, “Coming to America.” She may even be “running things” while making her huzzband feel like he’s really the one in charge. (Aside: If I were Michelle, I would go on up to my nearby flea market and order me a red baby doll T with words ‘Mrs. Commander-In-Chief’ printed on the front, but I digress, I digress.) Here’s the deal, due to slavery and other remnant societal conditions, black women have had to be more assertive and black men have been made to feel less than, but we can still do this. Yes, we can!

And let’s put this baby mama and baby daddy stuff behind us, if you big and bad enough to make a baby with somebody, be big and bad enough to stay with that somebody and create a family. (I know this is impossible and even unfavorable in some cases, but do your best.)  Being a part of an intact family is truly a beautiful though imperfect thing. Even at this age, it’s comforting to know that I can stop by our family home and that both my Mom and my Dad will be there to support and encourage me. Families are the fabric of this society, I am starting to learn. And don’t we have the most precious first family! (At least as of Jan. 20!) Sasha and Malia are sooo adorable! Every child deserves to have the covering of a mother and father!

I could say a tad more, but I’m sleepy!

Any thoughts?

P.S. This poem by one of my favorite poets, Nikki Giovanni, is a bit outdated, but I love its message. I love black men. Take a listen. Ms. Giovanni once sent me a card in which she complimented a poem I wrote about being stood up. I was in early ’20s. It really happened:)