Mother & Daughter Survivors Treated for Breast Cancer One Year Apart, Inspired By Deceased Relative’s Fight…

Keisha Pooler, her mother Mary Marshall and Keisha's daughter

Keisha Pooler, her mother Mary Marshall and Keisha’s daughter

Hello World,

I could not let the month of October go by without acknowledging that this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I lost two of my Delta line sisters to this hideous disease so this is a cause that is very dear to me. When another one of my sorors Keisha Pooler shared on Facebook that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and began posting pictures of herself at her chemotherapy treatments, I was inspired by her openness and bravery so I thought I would tell her story here. I hope her openness and bravery inspires you as they did me.

Jacquelyn Pullins aka Aunt Jackie

Jacquelyn Pullins aka Aunt Jackie

As an invincible and healthy college freshman at Morris Brown College in 1992 with nothing but time ahead of her, the last thing on on Keisha Pullins’ mind was breast cancer. But an arbitrary search for a pen in the lingerie drawer of her Aunt Jackie Pullins, who the Dublin, Georgia native lived with while enrolled in the Atlanta school, put her in the path of the deadly disease in a way that forever changed her trajectory. “I was digging in her drawer, trying to find a pen, and I ran across her prosthetic. It was shaped in foam and had a nipple on it.  I asked her, ‘Jackie, What is this?’ She said, ‘It’s a fake titty. What do you think it is?'” Her aunt’s clear-eyed, straightforward answer was representative of the sister relationship that Keisha had with her mother’s baby sister, who was in early 40s, who Keisha saw as mostly a sister but a sometime surrogate mother. Her Aunt Jackie also told her niece to not tell anyone as she did not want anyone to worry about her. However, Keisha was worried. “Her diagnosis changed my life. It was representative of something that could transfer into death in my home, in my family.” From then on, at the recommendation of her Aunt Jackie, who found the lump in her breast, Keisha began doing self-exams and has ever since. While Keisha kept her Aunt Jackie’s secret, her secret revealed itself when her aunt came home to Dublin several months later by the end of Keisha’s freshman year to go the the funeral of Keisha’s stepfather. “At the funeral, she became very ill so she started chemotherapy in Dublin. She never made it back to Atlanta.”

While Keisha continued at Morris Brown College, she returned to Dublin periodically to check on her Aunt Jackie and go with her to her chemotherapy treatments when she could. “She was not married, and she had no children so my sister and I were her kids.” After her treatment, her aunt went into remission for roughly four to five years but the cancer came back in 1997 or 1998. She was told she had months to live, but she didn’t want to go through chemotherapy again. Despite her prognosis, she didn’t pass away until 2001. During that time, however, she continued to live and deliver her deadpan humor. When Keisha asked her Aunt Jackie why she was adamant on getting a loan at one point, her Aunt Jackie replied, “Keisha, I’ll be dead before they get the money back.” “I remember thinking that in that moment, she was laughing and dying simultaneously.” However, there were serious moments too. Her aunt made her the beneficiary of her life insurance policies and showed her where to find all of her important documents. Although Keisha’s mother was her Aunt Jackie’s official caretaker, she felt like the then 25-year-old Keisha would be more responsible. “My Aunt Jackie was adamant about my mom getting a mammogram, but she never did. She always said she was scared to find out.”

Keisha and her husband at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk on Saturday, October 24.

Keisha and her husband at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk on Saturday, October 24. Their daughter is in the background.

In fact, Keisha’s mother, Mary Marshall, would not have a mammogram until she was 68 years old, in May 2013. It was recommended that she get a mammogram as part of a all full-body exam after she got sick with shingles. Keisha was concerned when her mother called her after her mammogram and told her that a biopsy was the next step. She called the medical center and asked about her mother’s results. “I said, ‘I know you’re limited in what information you can give, but do I need to make a trip to Dublin to see my mother?”’ She was told that she should come to Dublin so Keisha and her sister made the trip. The same doctor, Dr. Samson, who took care of her Aunt Jackie during her breast cancer treatment was the same doctor that told Keisha’s mother Mary Marshall in front of her daughters that she too had breast cancer. “My sister had to leave the room. I took out my pen and started taking notes and asking questions. My mom took a deep breath and said, ‘Okay, what do we do next?’ There were no tears. She was stoic.” She was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer in June 2013, and six months of chemotherapy followed by four to six months of radiation was recommended for treatment. Mary Marshall says she cannot pinpoint exactly why she waited so long to have her first mammogram except to say that she saw what her sister went through and did not want that for herself. “I just put it out of my mind.” However, her sister’s example came back to her when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. “In my mind, I said, ‘I’m going to be strong like Jackie. ‘”

In fact, her sister’s strength inspired Mary Marshall so much that she urged her daughter to have a follow up exam after Keisha’s first mammogram at 40 years old revealed that she had some cysts that needed to be further evaluated. Keisha delayed making and keeping the appointment for roughly eight to nine months. While she spent spring break with her daughter in Atlanta earlier this year, she told her that she would not leave until Keisha made the appointment. “I had that feeling that she might follow in my footsteps so I said, ‘Keisha, have you gone?'” So Keisha made and kept her follow up

"The beautiful thing about breast cancer is that puts you in a sorority you never asked to be in."

“The beautiful thing about breast cancer is that it puts you in a sorority you never asked to be in.”

appointment. An ultrasound was done, and a more in-depth evaluation was recommended. She was told she get the results in a week. “I went about my life, but I felt like I was in a cloud like when you see a character in a Spike Lee film and their feet aren’t moving. It felt like I was floating,” says Keisha, who is an instructional coach at Maynard Jackson High School in Atlanta. When she got the call, she was at the school. The news wasn’t what she hoped for. “I stopped breathing for a second. I went outside and sat on one of the benches and took my legs up under me. I asked the doctor, ‘Am I going to die?’ He said, ‘I’m not telling you that is going to happen. Let’s take one thing at a time.” Keisha was reassured when her doctor told her he would be meeting with a team of medical professionals to immediately work on a treatment plan for her stage 1 breast cancer. She was also encouraged when he told her that not all breast cancers are the same as Keisha has borderline triple-negative breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy in June and started chemotherapy in July. Now, she is undergoing radiation. She did not hesitate to share her story on Facebook with her community of friends and has shared photographs throughout her treatment. “I’ve been given the gift of speaking and writing. I think I got it from my mother’s father who was a preacher. He was so influential in the community, and he was always being vocal. It something sits inside of me, it sickens me. And I feel like I am soldier on the front lines, and if I kept it to myself, I’m not only doing an injustice to myself but to Jehovah Jireh.”

After she was told about her diagnosis, she told the news to Marcus, her husband of 16 years. “He said, ‘We’re gonna kick cancer’s @$$! You’ve seen your mama. You’ve seen your aunt.'” The couple then told their 10-year-old daughter. Although her eyes were filled with tears, she said, “‘Okay, mama we got this!'” She gave me a high five, and she gave her daddy a high five.” Providentially it seems, after Keisha’s diagnosis, her husband broke his hand in a car accident and as result, he has had to recover at home with Keisha.  “I feel like I am a seed that was planted, but I was not meant to be buried, I am planted to bloom.”

Any thoughts?

Do You Believe In Married Sex Fasts, Married Sex Given Grudgingly or Marital Rape?

Hello World, the crews

Far be it from me to judge what married and consenting adults do in their bedroom, but I have come across three articles that have got me thinking about sex, sex fasting and consent from a Christian perspective. A few days ago, actor and former football player Terry Crews got folks talking when he told The Huffington Post that he and his wife of 25 years, Rebecca, fasted from sex for 90 days!

Below is the video.

Crews, who is a Christian, said the end result of the 90-day sex fast was that he was “more in love” and “more turned on” than before and that the couple’s emotional intimacy deepened. The Bible does address marital sex fasts. Check out the verse below.

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5

Do you believe that married couples should undergo sex fasts periodically to strengthen their emotional intimacy? Have you ever tried a 90-day sex fast as a married couple or for any amount of time? Did the marital sex fast work for you?

Now let’s switch it up a bit. What if one may want to fast from sex but is willing to have sex with his or her mate although grudgingly? After seeing the story “Christian Website: Don’t Look at Your Wife’s Face During Sex to Enjoy It Even When She Resists” on rawstory.com, this copulation conundrum piqued my curiosity! According to the post “How a Husband Can Enjoy Sex that is Grudgingly Given by His Wife” on the website biblicalgenderroles.com, if the wife isn’t really feeling sex at the moment but is still willing to get it on, the husband should focus “on her body, not her face.” The wife’s face (who is obviously giving the gas face because she doesn’t want to be having sex) is compared to Medusa’s face as ‘sin is ugly. Your beautiful bride’s face becomes ugly during this sinful time that she is grudgingly giving you sex as she grimaces wanting you to ‘just hurry up and get it over with.”’

Another biblicalgenderroles.com post was pointed out in rawstory.com as well. In the post “Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex With His Wife When She is Not the Mood?” ,while a husband forcing himself on his wife or abusing his wife is not advocated, “despite American laws to the contrary, Biblically speaking, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape.’ In the Scriptures, the only way rape occurs is if a man forces himself on a woman who is not his property (not his wife, or concubine). A man’s wives, his concubines (slave wives taken as captives of war or bought) could be made to have sex with him, no questions asked.”

Now, the verse before the Scripture I referenced above states:

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.1 Corinthians 7:4

So whaddaya think?

Any thoughts?

 

 

 

Resilience & the Bible: How to Use Scriptures to Bounce Back From – Rebellious Teenagers

bonita 2 resized

Hello World,

Today is an exciting day for me! I’m launching a 7-month interview series entitled “Resilience & the Bible” which is about how Scriptures can be used to bounce back from the trials we all have to go through from time to time. Once a month, I will feature someone who has used Bible verses to bounce back! If you know of someone who has bounced back using Scriptures and would like to be featured on my blog, please e-mail me at jacqueline@afterthealtarcall.com.

How to bounce back from rebellious teenagers is the focus of this month’s “Resilience & the Bible” blog post. I am pleased to introduce Dr. Bonita Senior, who raised two sons, who are nine years apart, as a single parent. While both of her sons, who are 30 and 39, are doing well now, they both rebelled as teenagers despite how they were raised. Dr. Senior credits three Bible verses for helping her to deal with her rebellious teenagers.

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.  Proverbs 22:15

And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Hebrews 12:13

For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. Philippians 2:13

Please read her story and be encouraged and inspired!

Please describe the rebellion of your oldest son.

His rebellion started when he finished 12th grade. He finished with a partial book scholarship. He finished with a certificate of being a hard-working average student, and he was accepted to Savannah State University. So I sent him off to college. I don’t think he finished a semester before he said it wasn’t for him. So I was like, ‘Cool. Then you need to go to work. College is not for everybody.’ He came back home to live with me. Then I started seeing signs of drugs in my house. I would be gone to work about eight or nine hours so he was left to make decisions for himself. And he didn’t have school to keep him occupied. So I would come home from work, chilling out, and I would see the evidence of marijuana. I would see evidence of cocaine. I would see the little razor blades, etc. I confronted him, and of course, he denied it and said, ‘Oh no, mom, I’m not doing a thing.’ I knew what I saw. I stood on that. You are getting with the wrong crowd. And that’s the other thing I saw in his senior year in high school. He would hang out with the guys who were on the wrong track. I even had teachers who would tell me, ‘Bonita, he does not need to be with that group.’ I would talk to him and talk to him, conference with him in hopes that he would listen, but he didn’t. He started hanging with that crowd and from that crowd came the drugs.

And what happened from that point?

From the drugs came the selling of drugs. And from the selling of drugs, I remember getting into my car one morning, and my seat had been adjusted. I went under the seat to readjust it, and there was a gun under the seat. I was in so much pain because I had raised him alone and the last thing a single parent wants for her son is to be that statistic. So I was hurt, devastated, but I continued to do what I had learned from the Scriptures, from church, from my spiritual groups which was confront it, say something so kept confronting it, saying something. At this point, he’s 18, he’s 19, he’s continuing to do it. There was nothing I could do. He decided I’m going this route regardless of what mother says. So what I did was continue to go to church, continue to talk to spiritual people, cry, pray, but not enable him. I did not clean up his messes. When he would go to jail for speeding or being caught with drugs, I didn’t get him out. He would stay in jail, but then my mom would go get him out. I would ask her not to, but she would go get him out. I tried to tell her, ‘This is what is called tough love.’ I know how I raised my son. If I clean up all of his messes, he won’t get the message. But she would always get him out so he didn’t get the message. I would say to him, ‘You know you were raised. I do not agree with this, and I’m not going to support you with this.’ So he went through that for about two or three years.

The last time he got in trouble with drugs, he didn’t get out of jail quickly. He was sentenced to two years, and he had to do those two years because my mom couldn’t get him out of that. She would get lawyers for him and everything. I told him I raised you to be a contributing citizen of society so I went on with my life. But I did cry just about every other day. I literally had to sit on my hands some days. I would go to church and talk with my minister and cry. And I remember one day, my minister told me, ‘Bonita, get out of God’s way.’ My minister said I was still holding on, trying to turn him around. In other words, let go and let God.

How did you use Scriptures to help you with your situation with your son?

These Scriptures, like the foolishness is bound in the heart of a child and that God would drive it far from him, that helped me because it told me that it’s not unusual for a child to make wrong choices, but that God could drive it from him. And I think that’s why my minister was saying, ‘Get out of the way. God is going to have to handle it. You’re not capable.’ And Hebrews 12:13 with the straight paths for your feet, I looked at if as if God was saying, ‘I can straighten this out.’ He could straighten my son out and get him to go in the right direction. My job is to trust.

So what happened when he got out of jail?

Well, during that two-year period, by not being able to be influenced by those boys, I guess God was able to work with him. I used to go visit him ,and he would tell me, ‘Mom, most of these people down here didn’t come from a home like mine. I’m just so sorry for thinking this was a better life than what you gave me.’ So something happened in those two years he was in prison. He was about 22 years old when he got out. When he came back, I let him live with me, and he was through with that lifestyle. All I can do is give the credit to God! From there, he got a job. Then he got married. And he has spent the rest of his adulthood up until now being a great husband, raising his two children, being a coach, and he did it himself. All I did was continue to model for him what a healthy life looks like. You know you go to work, you set goals, you find your niche. He left that lifestyle totally alone. God is so good! He and his wife just bought a house with five bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms. I’m amazed every day!

And what happened with your youngest son?

My youngest son was an ideal child all the way through high school. Every now and then, he would get in trouble for talking or conflict with his peers, but other than that, he was an ideal child. I got my master’s, my specialist’s and doctorate while raising him. And he said he saw what my older son went through so he knew not to try it (laughter) because I didn’t back down from what I expected. Well, then I sent him off to Columbus State University in Columbus, Georgia. He was 18. And again, the every day influence of mom was not there. So he got with the party crowd, the being popular crowd and the grades were secondary so I would get calls from the dean saying, ‘Your son is not coming in by curfew or he is sneaking girls in the dorm or he is drinking too much or being the party guy.’ I was always being called by the dean. And the girls just swarmed at him so he had a big head. All he wanted to do at Columbus State University was be popular, and it got him in a lot of trouble. He would sign up for a class, and if he saw that he was going to fail it, he would withdraw right before the deadline.

What did you do at that point?

I remember going down there and meeting with the dean and one day, she looked at me and said, ‘You know Bonita, I like you. So what I’m going to do is show you his grades. And I’m going to tell you the truth about what your son is doing. He is not focusing on his classes. He is drinking. He is partying. And you don’t even know it.’ So she pulled his transcript and that was it! I told my son, ‘Look, either you go get some counseling or take six months off, but emotionally something is off because you’re drinking too much. You’re getting in trouble.’ He would get into fights. He would get stopped by the police, and there would be marijuana in the car.

How did you cope?

What helped me with him was the same scriptures I used nine years before with his older brother that said yes, they rebel, but if I kept my faith in God, He’s going to help my child. I did the tough love thing again. I took the car. I started taking things away. Again, I cried, I was heartbroken. So the school finally kicked him off of campus. So he got an apartment with some friends close to the university, and the grades were going downhill. So I finally gave him an ultimatum. I said, ‘Go get some emotional counseling or take a semester off.’ He told me there was nothing wrong with him. ‘You can just do whatever Mom. I don’t like you.’ He blessed me out. My last conversation was him was, ‘Call me when you’re ready for help, but I’m not going to participate in your drama. It may be one year, or two years or three years. I didn’t participate in your brother’s drama, and I’m not going to participate in your drama.’

How did he respond to your ultimatum?

Within a month or so, he called and said, ‘Mom, I thought you never ever step back from me like you did with my older brother.’ I told him, ‘That’s what you don’t understand, I love you both. I have two favorite sons.’ From then, it was an upward climb. He got serious, started going to classes. He cut out all of the poor choices. And he graduated in 2008 with a bachelor’s degree in sociology. Now, he’s gotten his master’s degree in community counseling. And he is a therapist, and he is going back to school to become a school counselor!

Below are three principles she used to help her with her rebellious teenagers.

  1. Trust in the power and word of God and not focus on the rebellion.
  2. Rely on your relationship with God and the experiences you’ve had with Him prior to the rebellion.
  3. Have compassion on your children and continue to love them as advised in 1 Corinthians 13. Be long-suffering.

bonitaDr. Bonita J. Gay-Senior is a recently retired teacher support specialist and department chair for the Cobb County School District in Marietta, Ga. She is now the director for Global Tech Academy/Toomer Elementary School with the Atlanta Public School System. Bonita mentors women by sharing her journey out of abuse, addiction and family generational curses to success and abundant living. Her book “From Doomed to Doctor” is scheduled to be released January 2016. She has been interviewed by the online magazine “Women of Distinction.” This article will be available late fall of this year. In addition, a front cover, more in-depth article will be published in January 2016 from “Women of Distinction” with the sole purpose of encouraging and healing others.

For more Bible scriptures online, go to BibleGateway.com.

Any thoughts?