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New York Times Bestselling Writer Margot Starbuck Releases ‘The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating!’

Join ME at Her Online Launch Party on Thursday!!!

Hello World,

If you’ve been a subscriber of this blog for some time, you know that I’m passionate about OWN’s Greenleaf, but you also know that I’m passionate about dating. Just use the search bar on the right to dig up the almost innumerable posts I’ve crafted on the topic since launching this blog in 2008! And my debut novel, which was released in December, was about this very topic. So whenever I find a new book – fiction and nonfiction – that I feel adds value to this topic, my goal is to share it here. My new friend New York Times bestselling writer Margot Starbuck has written a must-read for mature women who are considering getting modern with their dating: i.e. online dating. Below is the synopsis for The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Lessons Learned While Swiping Right, Snapping Selfies, and Analyzing Emojis which will be released on Tuesday! Also, check out my interview with her below. Finally, and here is some big news: I will be at her online launch party on Thursday!!! And you can attend and virtually meet me 🙂

Does the thought of joining a dating site invoke feelings of fear and anxiety—or, worse, insecurity or unworthiness? If so, then The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating is the book for you. With practical advice about how these sites work, what to expect, and when to join and quit, along with proven tips for making the most of them, The Grown Woman’s Guide equips readers with all they need to take the plunge.

Four years after an unexpected divorce, bestselling writer and funny lady Margot Starbuck found herself venturing into the unknown waters of online dating. What she discovered surprised her—and changed her. With her signature sharp wit and a solid biblical foundation, Margot shares what she learned, including how to:

  • determine which sites are best and what to expect;
  • write a first message that is most likely to get a response;
  • avoid common pitfalls in creating your profile; and
  • live out the truth that you are God’s beloved.

So dive into embracing your true value and drawing closer to God even in the midst of fear and questions. Because whatever your endgame might be, richness awaits. Margot promises, “You got this, girl!”

1. In the beginning of your book , you write that dating is different for “mature” ladies approaching their fifth decade and that you are the girlfriend that you needed when you first jumped into the “online dating trenches.” What is the most positive thing about online dating as a divorced grown woman and what is the most negative thing? 

Ooh! Great question!

I think there are a few benefits to dating as a woman who’s a bit more “seasoned.” Lol. First, I know who I am. Comfortable in my own skin, I have less of a need to be who others—family, friends, men, culture—want me to be. I know who I am and I like who I am, which is a win for everyone. Second, I’m more self-aware. Because of God’s gracious healing, through prayer and therapy, I can notice some of the hurts I’ve endured in the past—in childhood and adulthood—and they don’t have to be the boss of me. Finally, I’d say that the rose-colored glasses I might have worn as a younger woman, have been removed! I’m keenly aware that we are all broken people, recipients of God’s grace, who have to work hard to love one another.

As for the most negative thing
hmmm
I think it’s the same thing younger women face as well, which has to do with the “culture” of online dating. Without shared friends or colleagues or acquaintances, there’s no accountability for poor behavior. So rather than treating others with dignity and respect, a lot of folks take the easy way out: ghosting, breadcrumbing, and even “blocking” others because it’s easier than having a conversation that’s grown.

2. You’ve tried 16 dating sites. What are your top three dating sites and why? 

I’m glad you asked! In a distant third place, right now, is eHarmony. This site lets you identify how important faith is, in a match, and I really appreciate that! I think that helps me find folks who are likeminded in that way. Bumble is in second place for me. When both people swipe right, Bumble matches you up, and the woman must send the first message. Because it does give that agency to women, I make up that it weeds out some guys who couldn’t handle that. And
drumroll
my #1 fave right now is Match. I love their versatile “search” function that lets me set all of my preferences for geography, age, faith
everything. And there also seem to be a lot of folks using Match. It’s been the most fruitful site for me to connect with folks.

3. You wrote, “Research shows that 33 percent of women have sex on the first encounter with someone they’ve met online. So as you’re getting to know a new man, even one who shares your faith, at some point you’ll need to discuss sex.” You’re a Christian and you mentioned that one of your girlfriends, who is also a Christian “has met over a dozen Christian men online and not one of them shared her value of waiting for marriage to have sex.”  That was an issue for me too while I was dating. What’s up with that?  

I imagine there are a few reasons for this.

First, the word “Christian” means different things to different people. Some men who check the “Christian” box on a dating profile might mean that patterning their lives after the person of Jesus is the most important thing in their lives. And other men who check the “Christian” box are indicating that their grandparents were believers, and they were forced to go to church as children, and so they identify as “Christian.”

Secondly, in 2020 there is a broad spectrum of Christian views on sexuality among those who are committed to their faith in Christ. And that’s exactly why I think it’s so important to be able to discuss it.

4. You had a conversation that forever changed your approach to dating with an Uber driver, but you discovered that he was a doctoral candidate in relational psychology. How did this encounter impact your first impressions of potential dating partners or did it? 

I’d noticed that, again and again, I was attracted to the same kind of guy, and that it never worked out! I kept connecting with guys who were at a geographic distance and were often emotionally unavailable. So when I discovered my Uber driver was a relational savant, I demanded that he tell me why I was—and plenty of others were—broken like this.

Len says that we’re attracted to the person who has the qualities of the parent who gave us the hardest time growing up. My dad lived out of state, and so I was always trying to get his attention and show him that I was worth loving. (When Len unlocked it all for me, I may have even heard strains of my childhood theme song, in relation to my dad, who lived out of state: I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.) If my dad, or if this guy in Utah, knew how awesome I was, I’m sure I could make them love me. Lol! Len says that what drives us is the wish, “Maybe this time I’ll get the love I need and justly deserve.” Powerful, right?

5. One of the things that I enjoyed in your book is the diversity of quotes from notable women, how did you come across this quote from Lil’ Kim and why did you think it was necessary to include it? (All my life, men have told me I wasn’t pretty enough—even the men I was dating. And I’d be like, “Well, why are you with me, then?” It’s always been men putting me down just like my dad. To this day when someone says I’m cute, I can’t see it. I don’t see it no matter what anybody says. —Lil’ Kim) 

Well, I’m sure I was not searching for dating wisdom from Lil’ Kim, but when I came across it online, I thought it resonated with the experience of so many of us! I’m a big believer that what we experience from our earliest caregivers shapes us in powerful ways, like my dad living out of state when I was a girl and me falling for guys who are “out of reach” or “unavailable.” I thought that connection Lil’ Kim made between her dad putting her down and then her “ending up” with men who treated her the same way was so powerful.

I encourage any woman who’s dating to pause and really take a hard look at what they learned about their “lovability” from their earliest caregivers. As someone who was relinquished for adoption, and then endured the divorce of my adoptive parents, as well as their divorces from their subsequent spouses, all before I was sixteen, what I learned was this: I’m not worth showing up for. I’m not worth sticking around for. I’m not worth knowing. I’m not worth loving. And my husband leaving me seven years ago to be with a man did not help! God has been so gracious to replace those lies with His truth. God’s Spirit helps us notice those naughty lies and replace them with what is most true.

6. As a white woman seeking love through online dating, why was it important to include the advice from women of color seeking online dating in your book? And I agree with this paragraph “Some men want to experiment dating someone they consider ‘exotic.’ Some men, often white ones, have heard rumors about what it is like to be with a woman of another race, so they’re interested in ‘trying’ it. These men may be more interested in using you, in ways that may or may not include sex, than in truly getting to know who you are.” 

The short answer is that my hope and prayer is that my book will be read by women who are and are not white. Lol. That said, I have obviously only dated as a woman who is white.

7. At the conclusion of your book, readers will learn that you’re still waiting for Prince Charming and that it has been years. For one of your friends, it’s been 55 years! Some people may think what I do have to learn from her about successful dating. She’s still dating?  What do you say to those people? 

That. Is. Fantastic! When I started writing the book, I had definitely planned to be booed up by the time the book released. But
no such luck.

Don’t buy and read the book if you think it’s going to have the magic secret to meeting and marrying the man of your dreams yesterday. But if you want a friend who’s been in the trenches, and who believes that she is worth loving, and who has listened and learned from other women on this journey, and thinks about identity and dating theologically, and is convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are loved and worth loving, then this book might be for you.

Join me at Margot’s launch party!!! See the details below…

During a pandemic, what’s better than girls night out? Girls Night In!

Get comfy in your favorite p.j.s (don’t worry, you won’t be on camera), pour yourself a glass of vino, and unwind with the girls. The excuse is the release of Margot Starbuck’s The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating. But this night is about YOU!

  • Gifts & Prizes
  • Margot’s Standup Comedy on Dating
  • Special Guests
  • Digital Goodie Bags
  • And more!

You’re Going to Love Our Special Guests…

Who? All The Single Ladies (And Our Married-Lady Friends)

What? FREE Girls Night In with Margot & the girls.

When? Thursday, August 13; 8:00-9:00pm EST (5pm PST)

Join us for pre-party at 7:45pm!

Got a conflict? When you register you’ll receive a link to view after the event!

Where? We’ll email you a link before the event!

When you invite three friends you’re entered to win a guest Zoom visit with Margot and your book club or girls group! (Just email grownwomansguide@gmail.com to let us know you invited your girls)

REGISTER BY CLICKING ON HERE ON EVENTBRITE.COM!!!

Any thoughts?

 

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Greenleaf Recap Season 5 Episode 7: The Seventh Day


Hello World,

I’m nearly in tears as I write tonight…I shoulda seen it coming…Seven is the number of completion and something was most certainly completed in tonight’s episode…But let me not get ahead of myself
And let’s not wait another second to get into another exhaustive and entertaining Greenleaf Recap Season 5 Episode 7: The Seventh Day
Trust me on this: You will not need to read another recap after reading this one here…

The Seventh Sin…

Thankfully, Darius is not dead! After last week’s episode, I wasn’t so sure. This episode begins with Grace and Darius in the Memphis Police Impound Lot as Grace had to bail Darius out of jail and apparently Darius’ car had been impounded in the process. Yes, Bob and nem had Darius thrown in jail! We are all sinners but Bob and nem are among the worst…But even being jailed isn’t stopping Darius from chasing the story so that the truth will come out. After he is let go, he still plans to interview the source that Yusef gave him.

Grace is working her angle as well. She and Aaron are trying to get an injunction to temporarily stop the demolition by proving that the land that Jacob and Kerissa sold to H&H was done under false pretenses. Grace and Aaron believe the couple didn’t know that the true buyer was H&H as another name was used as the buyer. Those of us who have watched the show know that this angle aine goin’ nowhere. But more on that later. Also, Grace tells Darius that Bob plans to make a big announcement at the demolition. He’s treating this like a “ribbon cutting ceremony,” Grace says.

Bishop isn’t thinking about Calvary at all…at least for the time being. He shows up in his bedroom with a warmer (is that what it’s called?) presumably to serve Lady Mae breakfast in bed. She says, “Have you lost your mind?” He tells her that although it is demolition day at the church, he doesn’t intend to “sit around and mope all day. New Church, New Life.” When Lady Mae opens the warmer, she discovers the very first ring that he gave her. Although Lady Mae had told Bishop she would remarry him on Flag Day, Bishop says, “I thought the right ring might inspire you to push the date up.”

It does make her melt, but you know Lady Mae is all about the terms and conditions. She tells him that before they are remarried, they have to be on “one accord.” She wants to work out a plan with Tara. “I won’t plant a church in the shadow of another scandal,” she says. She proposes selling the property and giving the money to Tara. Bishop says, “I’m not offering Tara anything because it’s like I’m admitting I’ve done something which I didn’t.” And just like that, Bishop is back to square one. “Then this has to wait until Flag Day.” At this stage in her life, Lady Mae is putting her foot down when it comes to Bishop and keeping it there.

Speaking of putting a foot down, Zora is still trying to move to NYC and now that her parents are separated, she’s trying the divide and conquer approach, but it doesn’t work. She never cancelled her flight for that night. “I’m trying to be nice to you, but you need to be patient,” Jacob says to his petulant daughter.

Once Bishop goes downstairs, he sees his oldest grandchild A.J. “Isn’t today the day?” he asks. But Bishop isn’t going to succumb to sadness. “Today is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Amen, Bishop. But Bishop knows that A.J. didn’t show up just to talk about Calvary’s demolition. He tells him that he will meet him in the garage in half an hour.

At Calvary, the plans for the demolition continue to proceed. Phil, Judee & Fernando are there, and Grace and Aaron show up. The half siblings announce that because Jacob and Kerissa were not aware that they were selling their land to H&H, it was real estate fraud. “My brother is willing to testify under oath.” Fernando, with his greasy self, says that Kerissa knew all about it and that she “enjoyed it immensely.” Of course, Grace calls Jacob who says he will call Kerissa. We know that Kerissa knows. SMH. He is crestfallen when he calls her and she admits that she knew. He realizes then that her betrayal was worse than he thought. Now, he is really glad that they are longer together.

Back at the estate, Tara shows up. “Is Bishop willing to part with the land?” she asks. She tells Lady Mae that Rochelle won’t even be satisfied with that. “She wants him brought low” while Lady Mae and Tara want “peace.”

Seven Faces…

Bishop meets A.J. in the garage. “I was just about to get started.” Bishop laughs as he is not convinced. He knows good and well that A.J. is intimidated by this task of putting together a Pontiac GTO from the parts as he was and still is. “Should we pray for strength?” he says. “It’s been over 40 years, and I still haven’t found the strength to open it up.” Remember the car is in parts in a humongous box. For Bishop, praying practically comes natural but A.J. wasn’t raised in church and is not a Christian. But Bishop says he can easily get saved by saying a “simple prayer” and get removed from the “destroy your soul pile.”

A.J. isn’t ready for all of that at the moment, but he does listen when Bishop says, “There is a God. A world like this just doesn’t happen. He sees you and he loves you.” Although Bishop doesn’t force God onto A.J., he says he looks forward to the day when he is saved because the smile on A.J.’s face will be “equal in beauty to 10 Grand Canyons and 100 sunsets.” Wow, that’s beautiful, right?

So the angle that Noah had been working on works out! He finds the caretaker, an elderly white gentlemen with one of those wizard beards. Noah and Grace meet with him at his home somewhere in the country it seems. He tells him that this “Negro” had a close relationship with Loretta Davis. “She let him walk all over her.” Apparently, they used to fuss and fight so much that she would tell him not to come around any more. But he always came back. “Do you think they were lovers?” Grace asks. Taken aback, the caretaker says, “They were not lovers.” “Who was Darryl to Ms. Davis?” Grace asks. He says he was her son. What?!!! Apparently, this Mrs. Davis has a public face and a private face. The unmarried woman had a black son! (But I’m a little puzzled. How did she have enough money to buy a house of that stature without a husband during that time period? She must have inherited some money herself, maybe from her father…) But isn’t all wild?

Via the news, the family discovers that Bob Whitmore plans to announce his candidacy for Senate at the demolition. “The man is pure, unmitigated evil,” Bishop says. Grace tells her family what she has discovered.  When Charity hears the news, she is more determined than ever to stop the demolition of the church. “If we’re about to lose our house, I’m not giving up the church without one last fight.”

Bishop finally wants to meet with Rochelle and Tara, and they show up at the estate. Lady Mae breaks the news to the sisters. “Ms. Davis may have been your grandmother. That’s the only story that makes the first will plausible. If this is proven, your blood ties preceded our legal ties.” But as Tara said earlier, that news doesn’t satisfy her sister. Rochelle shouts, “All I want is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.” Bishop gets up fed up. He promises to reveal all the truth “the whole God blessed thing.”

Speaking of the whole truth, Charity has done a thing as well. She emailed Calvary church members about Bob and Eden Vale Lending and told them they could hear the whole truth if they showed up at the church. Jacob found out about the email and told his parents so of course everyone is on the way to Calvary for a showdown!

At least 100 or so members have shown up and the room is buzzing. Bob gets in front of the church and accuses Charity of digging up a “bunch of old news.” But Bob is confronted by the whole truth which includes low-interest cash loans to an 100 percent black clientele. Nearly 300 of these loans defaulted and Gladys DeMars, Phil’s mother, was the signatory on each and every one. None of that sounds good and Phil, with his two-faced self, has to speak out as well.

“Gladys DeMars was my mother,” he says to the church. He explains that while on her death bed, “she seemed concerned that God couldn’t forgive her.” She didn’t reveal what she needed forgiveness for, but now he knows why she was concerned. His mother was a crook! Bob attempts to stop Phil from revealing his truth and calls him, “son.” “I’m not your son.” Next, in front of everyone, he says to Judee, “Give me my mother’s ring back, Judee.” Judee is shocked but recovers quickly enough to drop his “stupid ring” on the floor. Bob still attempts to save the situation. “Let’s stop focusing on the past. Let’s focus on the future.”

7th Heaven…

But the true shepherd of Calvary has shown up and he’s ready to come all the way clean. Bishop and his family come in the sanctuary and Bishop walks up front. He says, “I took advantage of your faith in me, and I got fat and happy in the process.” He explains that the only reason that the church even exists is that he was able to construct the building by using his home as collateral to get a loan from the bank. He was told by Mac that Ms . Davis was childless after Darryl James died in the fire and that she could be convinced to will the home to him.

His ambition blinded him to the connection of the fire and the destruction of the first will. “I was too enchanted to consider the cost and who had paid it.” Apparently, Mac with his evil self must have started that church fire or put everything in motion for the fire to happen. “I know that’s not what you wanted to hear Rochelle but that’s it’s true.” Yes, Rochelle and Tara were present. (Aside: I think Tara and Jacob are going to get together in the final episode…What say you?)

Bishop continues. “I’ve got a few more sins.” He admits that he was seduced by the demon of wealth and power. “I lost my way and you paid the price, and my family paid the price, and I’m so sorry. I dragged you into captivity by this monster. All I ever wanted to show you was what was possible with God, and all I showed you was what was inevitable without Him.” Whew, that’s a line for the ages, right? He finishes with “Bob, I told you your days are numbered.”

As Bishop finishes, Charity begins singing “Amazing Grace” and the whole family including A.J. surround him on stage. When they sing the line, “Grace will lead you home,” I’m reminded that Grace came home for the whole truth to be revealed and by God’s grace, it finally was. Somebody needs to shout!!!

At this juncture, Rochelle sees her way out, but Grace follows her into the hallway. “You happy now?” she asks Rochelle. Rochelle says, “I never wanted the house. All I wanted was what I got today.” Grace then reveals that she knows it was her who put A.J. in contact with Noah which ultimately led to them to being reunited as a family. Rochelle tells her that she wanted her dirty laundry to be aired out like she was doing to everyone else and in the end it worked out for Grace’s good. “God can use anybody,” she says, “even a mean old sinner like me.”

Another pair have to settle a score as well. Phil walks up to Charity and says, “You’re right. You didn’t deserve any of that from me. I love you.” Staring him down, Charity says, “Not even the father of my son broke my heart the way you have. I will never trust you again.” Wow! For once, Charity has had the right reaction to man and his misplaced overtures. There’s hope for her after all 🙂 She smiles as she walks away, not even bothering to look behind her. Phil was fine though. I must admit. Hopefully a man that fine but with some character is in her future.

Back in the sanctuary, Bob steps down from H&H…as if he had any other choices at this point.

Grace and Darius discuss what has happened as he drops her off at the estate. CBS will be running the entire story about Eden Vale Lending! They share a passionate kiss that leaves Darius wanting more. “We just can just go to my place,” he says. But Grace says, “Maybe tomorrow.” Bishop dropped a bomb and the family needs some time to sort through the wreckage so to speak. And Sophia needs to discuss something with her as well…

Sophia, thinking that Zora has told her mother about topless photos, tells her mother that she was wrong for sending topless pictures to Dante. “What pictures?” Grace asks. Zora didn’t tell on her cousin after all…Hmmm…

And now…here’s the moment that I was wholly unprepared for although I should have been…considering my interview with Greenleaf Creator Craig Wright and Executive Producer Kriss Turner Towner…

Darius ain’t the only one feeling lovey dovey. Lady Mae, dressed in her finest lingerie, comes behind Bishop, who is sitting on their bed and says, “Oh James, my darling, let’s get married tomorrow.” But when she hugs him, she realizes he is stiff and can barely move. Something is very wrong. It appears that Bishop is having a stroke! (Oh Bishop, why did you skip your physical?!!!) She gets ready to call 911, but Bishop, who has an open Bible on his lap, motions for to get a pen. He scribbles the words, “I do”on a piece of paper. She hugs him and says, “I do too, my love.”


He appears to ascend to Heaven right there in her arms, but I’m hoping it’s like the near death experience that A.J. had a few episodes ago. We thought he was dead, but he wasn’t. Did y’all notice that Bishop was adorned in a purple robe? It’s been some time since I’ve seen him in purple I think. Purple is the color of royalty. It seems to me that once he told the truth, he was reinstated to his royal position as the shepherd of the sheep at Calvary…Y’all, it can’t be just one episode left, but alas it is…tears…

Well, eight is the number of new beginnings so I imagine that the new Calvary or a brand new church altogether will open its doors next week…I pray that Bishop will be there to see it…

Thank you sooo much for reading my Greenleaf Recap Season 5 Episode 7: The Seventh Day
 and my other recaps so far. If you would like to keep up with OWN’s “Greenleaf,” and my recaps, please click on this link to subscribe to my blog 🙂!

Any thoughts?

 

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The Vendor Blueprint: The Home-Based Entrepreneur’s Guide to Representing in the Marketplace -NEW BOOK ALERT!!!

Hello World,

Last Friday, I introduced you to a fiction book, and I hoped you enjoyed that post.  Today, I wanted to share a nonfiction book with you that I hope you enjoy as well —  The Vendor Blueprint: The Home-Based Entrepreneur’s Guide to Representing in the Marketplace by Dr. Anissa Short. As the coronavirus crisis continues, many people are working from home now more than ever. The Vendor Blueprint is a guide designed to help home-based workers and companies. Below is a summary of Dr. Short’s book followed by a few tips from Dr. Short.

Now that you’ve made the decision to begin your home-based business or made plans to take your business to another level, it’s time to share yourself with the world. Are you ready? Are you fully prepared to move ahead? Could you use a little reassurance that what you’ve been doing is productive, or maybe a little direction on how to improve upon things?The content in this book provides a step-by-step guide on best practices for representing in the marketplace.

Tips for Thriving in a Home-Based Business

  1. Protect Your Space — As much as within your power, eliminate all negativity. Turn off the television, limit interaction on social media, and distance yourself from drama. Nothing good can be birthed within an atmosphere filled with negative vibes.
  2. Read, Learn, Grow – Use this time to learn a new skill. Read books that feed your mind. Take a few refresher courses. If an activity serves to foster your growth spiritually, mentally, socially or emotionally, go for it.
  3. Support Others – The law of reciprocity is always at work; therefore, be intentional in your support of others. What you make happen for someone else, God will make happen for you.
  4. Get Your Systems in Place – What have you been putting off? Now is the time to get it together whether it is the hall closet, your inventory, your prospect list, or your office. Get it done.

Dr. Anissa Short, #TheWorkFromHomeCEO, is an advocate for the home-based entrepreneur as a business owner, workshop presenter, a podcaster, contributing writer, and best selling author.

As a leader in a top direct sales company, Dr. Short has been extremely involved in the E3 process of – encouraging, educating, and empowering. Her passion is to assist female entrepreneurs, and she has done so diligently for over a decade. Additionally, she has built an organization with coast-to-coast clientele and features other female entrepreneurs in multiple states. As an independent contractor, she has partnered with several entities. They include, but are not limited to the following: community colleges, publishing companies, and marketing corporations. She has also spearheaded trainings and think tanks to organize, facilitate, and awaken the aspiring entrepreneur. Her events are geared towards success and nothing less! Dr. Shorts hosts a weekly podcast, #TheWorkFromHomeCEO.

Prior to dedicating her life’s work to entrepreneurship, she was employed for 20 years in varied business-related industries, including employment with the federal government. In 1998, Dr. Short married her biggest supporter, Alphonso Short. They reside in North Carolina.

Any thoughts?