Posted on Sunday, July 27, 2014

Couples’ Night – Going From ‘Single Lady’ to ‘Smug Married’…

“In my heart, I will always be a single girl.”

Check the uncomfortable heels, the short skirt and the sassy pose – a single lady pic fo sho…I was on a cruise with other single ladies too..

This on point observation was offered by a married friend in my book club after she read one of my many, many, many single girl/lady blog posts a few years ago. I didn’t know quite what she meant at the time because I was not married, but now that I’m married, I do get it and I so agree…

Two weeks from today, I will have been married for a total of one year!!! Wow, my head is still spinning because I’m such a single lady in temperament, training and time lived on this earth. So in honor of my wedding anniversary, I have decided to devote three Sunday blog posts to going from a single lady to being a smug married. First of all, if you are unaware of the pop culture references I’m making when I say “single lady” and “smug married,” let me illuminate that for you. In many ways, Beyonce’s 2008 supa dupa hit song “Single Ladies: (Put a Ring on It)” captures one of the goals of many single women: getting a man to put a ring on it. “Smug Married” is a term from the wonderful 2001 movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary” in which Bridget, a true single lady, talks about her dislike of married people who see singlehood as a subservient state.

Now that I have defined those terms for you, let me get to the subject of today’s post: Couples’ Night. To date, I’ve been to three Couples’ Night/Excursions and each one makes me feel like I’m in elementary school. And I guess I am in elementary school of sorts. If being single was college, I would be Dr. Jackie and on a speaking tour. And if being married was college, I would be a kindergartener learning my colors and maybe my letters.

1. On my first Couples’ Night last September, three couples went to a club/restaurant type of establishment. I had been at a convention all day so I didn’t really feel like going out and if had been single, it would have been one of those nights that I would have stayed in. But since I’m now part of a team, I took one for the team literally and figuratively. I must confess, my look for the night was lackluster. I threw on some jeans, a cute but not slay-worthy top, some flats and headed out with the hubby. We ended up in Atlantic Station on the same weekend as the BET Hip Hop Awards. You already know. I felt like Mrs. Frump or President Obama in his mom jeans. And as I looked at the collective of us, we all looked pretty comfortable if you know what I mean or least suburban.

The club/restaurant was filled with young hotties whose skirts were short and heels were high. Lustrous hair flowing all the way to the floor it seemed was atop everyone’s head. And their makeup was shoot ready. In fact, I felt like I was an extra extra extra in a rap music video shoot except I didn’t make the cut. The next day on the way to church, I told my husband how I felt. He made some comment about how a 40-year-old woman shouldn’t look like they could star in a rap video and who wants that kind of woman anyway. I smiled with gratitude, but this is what I was thinking:

At this age, no, I don’t want to star in a rap music video, but I at least want to look like I could be asked…

Maybe it’s a stereotype, but coupled people tend to look comfortable. When a dude used to hit the gym a few times a week and be on the go, that same dude, once he gets married, starts finding excuses to not workout or stay at home because it’s less expensive. When a lady used to get hair done done on the regular and wear the latest, hottest outfits, that same lady, once she gets married, tries to hold out a little longer between hairdos to save some money and wears flat because heels hurt. My mom told me that my grandmother told her a few years after she got married that she needed to keep herself up so my father’s eyes wouldn’t stray. (TMI yes! But my mom heeded her advice.) The truth is: we all tend to get more comfortable, the older we get (single or married), but for some reason, being married seems to accelerate the process…

2. On our second Couples’ Night/Excursion, four couples traveled to Chateau Elan to celebrate Valentine’s Day or as some people say Single Awareness Day since Valentine’s Day is more of an event when you’re single. Even though it was meant to be a relaxing weekend, I must confess I was so nervous. Instead of spending just a few hours with couples, it was an overnight trip. As I said before, I have a doctorate degree in being single. When you’re single and traveling with your girls, there are various behaviors and or conversation topics that are acceptable. For example, if you want to go off by yourself and explore, that is perfectly acceptable on a single girl trip after all you are single. Or if you want to stay in one night and watch television, while not optimal, that’s cool too. And while we can talk about anything, inevitably, the conversation will shift to men and we compare notes, get updated, laugh about them, cry, swear them off, etc. But on a married couple trip, it seems like you must be grouped in two at all times. And no one really gets into the nitty gritty of their relationship because for the most part, what happens in a marriage stays in a marriage…It’s real pc and settled like….But I’ve only been on one couples trip so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about yet…

3. My third Couples’ Night was last Saturday. It was a game night. Every couple had to bring a game. I, in true single lady form, brought my “Sex and the City” trivia game. Hey, what can I say? It was a nice night. There was a personal chef who cooked Asian food that rivals if not beats the best Asian food I’ve ever had. It was in a home so there was pressure to BET rap music video worthy. It wasn’t an overnight trip so there was no pressure to figure out what to do or talk about for hours and hours. But then we played a marriage game in which couple had to guess the favorite video, food, etc. of their mate to get points. (We did something like this in premarital counseling.) It was the last game of the night, and I thought everything was going pretty smoothly until then. When you’re single, you’re expected to be an expert on nobody but yourself. But as a married person, not only do you have to know yourself, you have to be an expert on someone else. I don’t know about you but I’m still figuring out myself. It was only 10 years ago that figured out that I’m a commitment-phobe in most areas of my life and that was only because of counseling. So hubby and I got three out of six questions right. That would be 50 on a test. An “F” in other words…Hey, we’ve only been married for months…

Since I pray I will be married for many more years and or until death ( 🙂 ), I hope to experience many more Couples’ Nights and learn all the rules of this new fraternity of sorts that I have joined…

But as today, I still feel more like a “single lady” than a “smug married.”

Any thoughts?

Posted on Sunday, June 22, 2014

From Righteous to Ratchet – Your Christian News Roundup…

Hello World,

Every once in a while so many Christian news stories cross my path that I cannot devote a singular blog post to any of them…I MUST include them ALL…What you will read next ranges from righteous to ratchet…Some of the stories may inspire you and some may just cause you to shake your head…All of them are worthy of perusal to read on…

1. Jeremy R. Meeks aka Fine Felon aka #FelonBae aka Dreamy McMug Shot has been blowin’ up the Innanet since the Stockton, California Police Department posted a mugshot of the 30-year-old felon on its Facebook page on Wednesday. The picture of Meeks, who was arrested for felony weapon charges, was posted as a part of the department’s Operation Ceasefire enforcement mission. Little did the department know this post would have fired up a viral storm of women from all over the world declaring their “admiration” for the blue-eyed, gun-toting, practicing Christian of seven years…At least, that’s what his sister said…Yes, the fine felon is also saved… Hallelujah! Say Amen! LOL…Read more at The Christian Post…

2. There is almost nothing more unsettling than a Christian crook…especially one that that uses the church to steal money…And then again, the first treasurer of the church, Judas, was a Christian crook and stole money…Thankfully, there is one less Christian crook stealin’ folks money through the church…It was announced last Tuesday that Efren Taylor II was arrested on a federal indictment…According to an article on ABC News, “some congregants from some of the most prominent mega-churches, including Bishop Eddie Long’s New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in Lithonia, Ga., and Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church in Texas, turned over their life savings to Taylor. The DOJ claims that more than 80 people from Georgia alone lost more than $2 million because of Taylor’s scheme.” I don’t want to judge, but I have to wonder did the Holy Spirit tip any of these Christians that this man was a thief…What about the gift of discernment?

3. While Actress Meagan Good was promoting the movie “Think Like a Man Too,” which came out this weekend, she also discussed her forthcoming book with husband DeVon Franklin, a minister and vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, entitled “The Wait” on Jimmy Kimmel…Good and Franklin waited until they were married to have sex…Simultaneously, Good has been criticized for her sexy attire and belief that Christians can be sexy…Rolling Out has a new interview with Good in which she fleshes out her belief…Do you think that Good can promote being sexy yet advocate being celibate unless married at the same time?

4. Apparently, Frank Schaeffer, son of famous American evangelicals Francis and Edith Schaeffer who founded Switzerland’s L’Abri, is now an atheist who believes in God according to his new book “Why I aAm an Atheist Who Believes in God,”…I actually enjoyed Schaeffer’s book “Crazy For God” in which which he reveals his conflicted views about the church…but now he is saying he is an atheist?! That’s just asinine…Read more at The Huffington Post…

5. In other atheist news, “Tim Lambesis, lead singer and founder of Christian metalcore band As I Lay Dying, recently confessed that he and other members of his band had become atheists but kept claiming to be Christians so they could keep making money selling records to Christians,” according to an article on The Christian Post…Lambesis, who was recently sentenced to prison for attempting to order a hit on his estranged wife (Yes, I actually typed that), said that most Christian bands he met had similar beliefs!!! Again, I’ma need my fellow Christians to pray for more discernment…

6. In positive Christian news, have you ever heard of the new GSN dating show “It Takes a Church” The show, hosted by Natalie Grant, debuted earlier this month…Here is the description from the website : Each week, IT TAKES A CHURCH visits a congregation from across the country to surprise one unsuspecting single with the news that they’re about to be saved from the dating world. The church’s Pastor will task their congregation of cupids, to find the best possible matches for the dater, but in the end, our single will decide which suitor to put their faith in. The congregant who brought the chosen suitor will make a difference to their church by winning a donation on its behalf. The new show already has a lot of fans including Gospel Artist Donnie McClurkin…Here is Elev8’s article about the new show…

7. President Obama showed up in the most unlikely way at the The Faith and Freedom Coalition’s Road to Majority Conference on Friday…According to TIME Magazine, “small figurines of Obama’s head, first spotted by the Huffington Post‘s Igor Bobic, were placed inside the urinals in the mens’ restroom outside the conference hall.” One has to wonder what faith these attendees have if they allowed such a filthy and degrading depiction of our nation’s president to be a part of the conference?

Any thoughts?

Posted on Sunday, June 15, 2014

The Giving Away of a Daughter – A Father’s Day Meditation…

Hello World,

As you hopefully realize, today is Father’s Day! Last month, it seemed the world over celebrated their mothers for Mother’s Day with unabashed praise and adoration, but for many, Father’s Day is decidedly less shiny…If Mother’s Day is a sun high up in the sky, brilliant day. Father’s Day is a sun behind the clouds day, a day that could go either way…Maybe it’s because Father’s Day dredges up painful remembrances of fathers that did not live up expectations for some…(Hallmark has even created a Father’s Day card for black women 🙁 )Or maybe Father’s Day is not as shiny a day as Mother’s Day because although children are created by mothers and fathers, mothers literally bear a more tangible connection to their children…

Thankfully, I cherish my mother as much as I do my father…I have written about my father in “Color Him Father, Color Him Love (An oldie but goodie…)” and “Reflections on being a Preacher’s Daughter Without the Reality Show…” and now I have a new memory to share…As I was preparing to get married a year ago, I was not only aware that I was taking Robert’s hand to walk with him for the rest of our days, I was also keenly aware that I was letting go of the hand of the man that had loved me best…My Dear Ole Daddy :)…And it made me sad even in the midst of my joy…And I was nervous too…Although I had been living on my own for many years, I always felt that my Dad was watching out for me…While we did not expressly talk about all of this, I think he was processing his own set of feelings too…Sometimes I would catch him looking at me. And though his eyes were directed toward me, but they would be focused on something or maybe some place else…

When it was time to actually plan the events of the reception, I waffled about asking him to dance with me at the reception…After all, this was the same man who showed up at one of my high school dances wearing his pajamas and a trench coat to drag me out of there…But my mom suggested I ask him anyway…I was surprised when he said, “yes.” Our Father-Daughter Dance was kind of awkward, but I think it illuminated what was going on in our hearts…I imagine it’s incredibly awkward to give a daughter away after you remember when your daughter was just a thought and then that thought became a tiny human being that you watched grow into a woman…And as much I looked forward to moving forward with Robert, it was awkward to realize another man would be the keeper of the treasure trove of my heart…

And although that transition is taking shape every day that passes by, I’m glad I’ve (or rather God) chosen a man that possesses the kindness of my father…My father makes the effort to be kind to all living creatures from animals to human beings…I remember when I was in fifth grade, I had a fluffy black dog named Buffy and she would follow my father and I as we walked to my bus stop each morning. One morning, after I was picked up from the bus stop, a car hit Buffy and she died. My father carried my bleeding, dead dog all the way from the bus stop down a hill to the back yard of our home where he buried her…I see that same kindness in my husband when I feel like I’m about to unleash hell with my mouth until I look at Robert…He doesn’t even have to say anything. With his eyes, he tells that he doesn’t want to fight…And nothing makes you feel more savage than picking a fight with someone who refuses to do so…

According to the June 12 The Atlantic article “Masters of Love,” research has demonstrated that “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.” I’m so grateful that I have a kind father and now I have a kind husband…

Wedding planning for a woman, like no other event, forces you to reflect on the relationship you have or don’t have with your father…And now that I have planned a wedding, I’m drawn to wedding planning…I’ve been watching the wedding planning of Real Housewives of Atlanta star star Kandi Burruss to Todd Tucker…In last week’s episode, Kandi and her father discussed their troubled relationship which included him being absent from her life for a year at a time sometimes…Still, she asked her father, who is now a pastor and presumably a changed man, to officiate at her wedding…See the exchange below…

Tonight’s episode ( Bravo, 8 pm EST) promises to be just as if not more dramatic as Mama Joyce, Kandi’s mother, has a showdown with Todd Tucker’s mom…You remember that I wrote about Mama Joyce and her now legendary disapproval of her fiance’ in “Mama Joyce Gets Us Straight…And Steps Back…And Keeps Stepping…(MY INTERVIEW).”

So to all of the fathers, I wish you “Happy Father’s Day.”

Any thoughts?