Posted on Sunday, March 13, 2016

The Top 10 Christian Clichés to Congratulate Christian Couple Russell Wilson & Ciara on Getting Engaged!!!

Hello World,

Everyone loves a good comeback story! I think that’s part of the reason the Innanet went crazy on Friday when Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson announced that he and singer Ciara are finally engaged!!! They’ve been on everyone’s radar since they showed up at the annual White House Correspondents’ dinner last April together. From the beginning, they seemed to be a couple that makes sense. According to the ABC News article “Inside Seahawks QB Russell Wilson and Ciara’s Relationship,” Russell said, “She’s been through some heartaches, I’ve been through some heartaches. I was married before. I married the person I was with in high school.”

And they truly have been through some heartaches for all of the public to see unfortunately. Ciara and her former fiancé rapper Future got engaged in October 2013 (She even appeared on the cover of Brides magazine in August 2014), she announced she was pregnant with their baby on The View in January 2014 and by June 2014, the couple broke up allegedly because Future cheated on her. Meanwhile, although Russell Wilson and his ex-wife Ashton Meem were high school sweethearts and had been together four years when he proposed in August 2010, they divorced after two years of marriage in April 2014. There have been rumors that his ex-wife had an affair with one of his former Seahawks’ teammates.

Last July everyone marveled when Russell revealed in an interview with Pastor Miles McPherson from The Rock Church in San Diego, California that he and Ciara had opted to be celibate in their then dating relationship of five to six months. He explained his reason for wanting to be celibate. “For me, I knew that God had brought me into her life to bless her and for her to bless me and to bless so many people with the impact that she has, that I have. We’re not gonna be perfect, by any means. Life’s not perfect. Nobody’s perfect, but he’s anointed both of us, and I know that He’s calling for us to do something miraculous, something special. I said to her, and she completely agreed: ‘Could we love each other without that?’ If you can really love somebody without that, then you can really love somebody.”

Everyone including Ciara’s ex had something to say about it. In a Huffington Post interview with Marcus Lamont Hill, Future said that while God never told him to wait for sex, Ciara did say she wanted to pray when the deed was done. “God told me something else. He ain’t tell me to wait. I guarantee you that,” Future said. “We prayed afterwards though. After we did it, we prayed. That’s a true story.” And Future kept talking too after that interview, criticizing Ciara for having their son Future Jr. around Russell and her parenting skills. Basically, he proved the lyrics of her song “I Bet” to be true. And Ciara is not having it!. It was announced last month at Ciara is taking Future to court, suing him in a $15 million lawsuit for libel and slander.

Whew…that made me tired from just typing all of that…

But despite the relationship drama that both Russell & Ciara have been through in their past, it looks like better days are ahead since they are engaged. And since Christians come up with the best clichés or slogans to explain away rough times, I thought I would list the most popular ones to congratulate the cute couple!

5.6.7.8. 9.10.

Below is the Instagram Russell posted on Friday of their engagement…so sweet…

She said Yes!!! Since Day 1 I knew you were the one. No Greater feeling… #TrueLove @Ciara

A video posted by Russell Wilson (@dangerusswilson) on Mar 11, 2016 at 12:33pm PST

Won’t He Do It For Real?!

Any thoughts?

Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Seven Oh So Necessary Things You Must Be Prepared To Give Up if You Turn Away From the Lord…

For My Wannabe Black Atheists Who Haven't Thought This Through...

Hello World,

So last week I was reading one of my favorite blogs VSB (Very Smart Brothas) which is by no means a Christian blog or a religious blog or a spiritual blog so if you know me here, don’t go over there expecting to be taken to church…It’s not gonna happen, but these very smart brothas are always good for a chortle or three and a fresh if not irreverent, well-written perspective on pop culture…so I appreciate them…So imagine my chagrin when I did come across this religious blog post “Six Foolproof And Effective Things To Do To Bring Atheists Back To The Lord” by Natalie Degraffinried last week…Judging by the title alone you could probably think that this blog post would be weaponry we could add to our arsenal because all my Christian soldiers are forever trying to bring back atheists to the Lord (because we are on the battlefield for my Lord), but knowing the very smart brothas as I do, I knew the content that followed this title would be anything but foolproof and effective things you can do to bring atheists back to the Lord…It seems that Miss Degraffinried recently revealed to her black mama (by the way Miss Degraffinried is also black) that she is an unbeliever and her black mama has pretty much gone ballistic…Because we all know that most black mamas (unless you a millennial) are believers…Here is one tactic her black mama tried…

“…my mother watched more Christian programming than I had ever seen in the days to follow. And not just the Black pastors, either—she watched the little wrinkled old White men who emulated the Black preachers, too, spreading the word of the lord to little southern middle-aged White ladies. In fact, she would very deliberately change the channel to it when I would come into the room, glare at me, and then sit and watch.”

Aside from what her black mama did, Miss Degraffinried goes on to illuminate the six MOST effective foolproof and effective things you can try to bring atheists back the Lord: Say “You’ll Turn To God When You’re Down On Your Luck,” Ask “What Made You Stop Believing In God?”, Ask Them A Bunch of Probing Questions, And Ignore Their Answers, Praise God…All the Time, Say the Same Things Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again.

Actually, I like her list because it gives me some insight about what not to do obviously… and thankfully, as far as I know, I have never done these things…But don’t get it twisted…I haven’t tried any of these things not because I am enlightened…It’s probably the opposite…When I am come across an atheist – well really, black atheists in this country, I’m pretty much dumbfounded…everybody knows that the Lord is how we got over so when I meet a black person who must know that AND has a black mama, I really don’t say much of anything…In fact, I may just walk away mid-sentence and conclude he or she must be from the North because here in the South even the most backslidden believer with Hennessy in one hand and weed between his fingers on the other will call on the Lord when necessary…which brings me to the point of today’s blog post…I’m a much better writer than I’m a speaker so after thinking about Miss Degraffinried’s blog post for a few days, I’ve come up “Seven Oh So Necessary Things You Must Be Prepared To Give Up if You Turn Away From the Lord” blog post because a looong comment on VSB just wouldn’t do…So Miss Degraffinried, this blog post is dedicated to you and all my people who are thinking of becoming atheists…

If you are thinking of becoming an atheist, you must be prepared to give up:

1. Martin Luther THE Kang...Everybody knows that Dr. King, the father of the Civil Rights Movement, was down with G.O.D.(yeah, you know me…I know…I’m corny…Forgive me, I’m not a millennial) If you become an atheist, you relinquish your right to revere this man (as much as you can a man anyway without being sacrilegious…oh wait…never mind…) because he trusted in the Lord as his King and Jesus Christ was his Savior and both of them as well as the Holy Spirit guided him on how to get our civil rights…And you pretty much have to give up coming to the A too because we are all about the Kang in these parts…We are so Kang, we are building a monument to MLK on top of Stone Mountain (because he’s been to the mountain top) to make up for the fact that Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis are etched on the side of it…

2. Your affiliation with your HBCU…While we are on Black History, many HBCUs were founded by people who believed in the Lord…Bethune-Cookman University, Clark Atlanta University, Dillard University, Meharry Medical College, Paine College, Rust College, Morehouse College, Xavier University…I could keep going…If you’ve got a degree from any of these institutions, you better get on your knees and thank the Lord because He opened the doors for these schools to be founded…

3. Pastor Shirley Caesar, Yolanda Adams, Cece Winans…In other words, you must give up gospel music…That may not seem like a big deal now…but when you are going through, you will be forced to either Bow Down to Beyoncé, Roll With Rihanna or worse- Elevate With Enya…You know as well as I do when you are going through, none of these ladies can lift you up like the aforementioned gospel greats…Read my blog post “Breaking Down the Holy Spirit/Why Beyoncé Did Ledisi A Favor…” and you will see what I mean…

4. The word “blessing” or “bless” or “blessed” etc.…Blessing means “God’s favor and protection.” So no more hashtags #blessed…And if you like Big Sean’s song “Blessed” and the remix, you’ve got to give up both of those songs too…I would guess that Big Sean aine in church ere Sunday but I would bet he believes in God and his black mama is working on getting him back to church ere Sunday…Kinda like when Marion Winans was rocking with Diddy back in the day…I’m sure the Winans were having prayer vigils trying to get him to leave the world alone and fully commit to Christ…And what are you gonna say when something good happens to you? Us believers say it was a blessing…Something about the double “s” makes you feel happy…What do unbelievers say? And you can’t even curse someone out without them knowing it anymore…That is what “bless your heart” means by the way….

5. Grace…And while we’re on the subject of blessing, you cannot bless or say grace over your food because you don’t believe in that… Miss Degraffinried says she told her black mama that God doesn’t fit in her life while they “waited at the window of an Arby’s drive-thru” where she ordered “beef n cheddar sandwich, curly fries, and jamocha shake.” I’m assuming she didn’t pray over that because she’s and atheist an all, but if it’s anywhere you need to say grace, it’s at a drive-thru…There and over your old auntie’s potato salad that used be so good you wanted to do cartwheels after the first bite but now since she gotten old, she doesn’t know how to season anymore but no one has the heart to tell her that she should probably stop cooking…

6. Getting married in a church…If you become an atheist, you have to give up getting married in a church…If you don’t believe in the sanctity of the church building, why bother honoring the sanctity of marriage there?…of course, you can always get married on the beach, a backyard, etc…And I will concede that getting married in a church is not necessarily any more holy than getting married anywhere else since God is everywhere…(if you believe) But here is the flip side, not only should you not have your wedding there but you can’t have your funeral there either…And nothing is more depressing than having a funeral at a community center or any other nondescript place that will host an atheist funeral…I know you’re probably saying why I should care, I will be dead, but think about those that have to go to your funeral…Are you really going to subject your family and friends to sitting in uncomfortable folding chairs while ignoring the fact that they smell old gym shoes mixed with Pine-Sol. And on top of that, they are forced to listen to Enya because of course, you can’t have hymns at your funeral…

7.Christmas cards…Atheists cannot send Christmas cards…”Christ” is smack dab in Christmas so why would you want to? So go ahead and start stockpiling your Merry X-mas cards which are pretty much stupid…What is X-mas? Everybody knows that X is supposed to be either a substitute for “Christ” or you just don’t know to spell…You would do better to get some Santa Claus cards…But then again, if you believe in Santa Claus over Jesus then I really can’t help you at that point…You are beyond saving…Just kidding…

So there you have it…before you black atheists turn your back on the Lord, you many want to reconsider…Christians of other races, please feel free to modify for your own culture….

Any thoughts?

Posted on Thursday, September 3, 2015

Does Technical Virginity Exist? : ‘Born Again Virgin’ Season 1 Episode 6 Recap…

Hello World,

Disclaimer: This episode of “Born Again Virgin” was a wee bit more risqué than previous episodes so if you are shy about sexual topics, please stop reading now.

This episode was aptly and euphemistically titled “Secret Garden” so that should give a huge hint as to the direction of this post. In this episode, Jenna’s followers have asked her if you can have oral sex and still be a virgin. First, she discusses the issue with her roommates Tara and Kelly. Tara believes that oral sex is simply foreplay, but then she jokingly accuses Jenna of trying to find a “loophole in the virginity clause.” As Jenna realizes she is unsettled on the matter, she decides to seek out an expert opinion and meets with a woman who calls herself “The Headmaster” as she teaches a class on oral sex. And this is where things get interesting if you love the ’90s like I do! Remember the white lady on “In Living Color,” the hilarious sketch comedy show that introduced us to comedic geniuses like Jim Carrey and Jamie Foxx? Her name is Kelly Coffield Park (trivia sidebar: She was in my high school English’s teacher’s wedding according to him! Hi Mr. Stephens 🙂 ), and she portrays the

Kelly Coffield Park

“The Headmaster” in this episode. Obviously, their conversation, which Jenna is videotaping for her blog, goes over the top very fast! For example, the Headmaster says that “oral sex is today’s good night kiss” and takes out sex toys during their very public conversation in a restaurant. Well, alrighty then…

Kelly is having an existential sex crisis of her own when her mother mistakenly texts her sexy i.e. naked pictures of herself. When Tara sees the pics, she notices two things: that Kelly will age well as her as her body is concerned and that someone else must have taken the pics because she sees Kelly’s mother’s hands. So not only is the naked thing irritating to Kelly, the fact that her mom has finally moved on after her father’s death is also troubling. So Kelly decides to visit Historic Grant Park where her mother lives to see what is going on up close and “in living color” so to speak.

Tara, who thinks she is the hottest roommate of the three, is insulted when after bringing her latest dude Bruce home, she realizes that he has already dated Jenna when they were in college. He refers to her as “Jenna & Juice,” and they laugh it up. By the way they interact, it is obvious that what went down is that they obviously got down when they were in college.

So after Jenna meets with the Headmaster, she decides to ask random strangers in a restaurant about their views on oral sex. They agree to discuss their views on camera, and their answers runs the gamut. She realizes that for some, there are different degrees of virginity similarly to different degrees of vegetarianism. For some vegetarians, eggs, for example, are okay but for others vegetarians, they are not. Jenna realizes that oral sex is not something she wants on her menu and decides to adhere to a more traditional view of virginity. What is your take?

When Kelly arrives at her mother’s house, she meets Rob i.e. her mom’s sexting partner and new live-in and much younger boyfriend! Kelly questions her mother about her boyfriend and being faithful to her deceased father (whom she was married to for 30 years) to which her mother replies, “If you want me to kiss your father, I would have to dig him up. And he wasn’t that good of a kisser when he was alive.” She also explains that after Kelly’s father died, she joined the church and got a hobby among other options she tried to keep her occupied, but none of the options kept her “warm at night.” Just uhhh…Who wants to hear all that from your mama?! When her mother leaves the room, she has some real talk with Rob, asking him if he a gold digger or truly interested in her mother. He tells her that wonders of wonders, he is actually interested in Kelly’s mother and that she will have to get used to it. Kelly’s mother also tells her that she is partly to blame for her new relationship as Kelly’s main form of communication with her is via text as she is busy pursuing her pr career and isn’t really there for her. Kelly realizes that she should spend more time with her mother even if now she has to share her with Rob.

After Jenna’s uncomfortable reunion with Bruce, Tara has some real talk of her own with Bruce about what actually happened with Jenna. She tells Bruce that she doesn’t understand how he can like sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie, and that black people only say they like pumpkin pie to appease their white friends. (It is true that black people, for the most part, eat sweet potato pie while white people seem to favor pumpkin pie. Why is that?) He is obviously confused until she explains that she is sweet potato pie and Jenna is pumpkin pie. He says that he actually likes both. But his answer does not satisfy Tara’s ego, and she decides she just cannot see a man who has seen her roommate naked.

At the end of the episode, Jenna, Kelly & Tara dish on oral sex, Kelly’s mama’s delicious new bae (before anyone else…So I learned what bae means in this episode!) and sweet potato pie versus pumpkin pie in the kitchen. Jenna’s mom, whom we find out is white (so maybe she really is pumpkin pie), discovers Jenna’s blog and is mortified. I’m predicting some mother-daughter interaction with them in future episodes. Kelly realizes that her and her mother have the same taste and had she met Rob first, she would have sampled him too. Ewwww….Tara creates a poster board which she posts pics of her previous boyfriends and Jenna’s previous boyfriends to find out if their paths have ever crossed before the Bruce revelation so that they can prevent future relationship reunions and break the bonds of Eskimo sisterhood.

Any thoughts?